One day, Jennifer Lopez woke up and looked at herself in the mirror. She gripped the sink in both hands and leaned forward, slowly, to look herself dead in the eye, and say: “Nobody will even remember Beyonce’s Lemonade after me.”
Then she spent twenty million dollars, and she told herself, “I’m Gene Kelly. I’m Janet Jackson in Rhythm Nation. I am a giant mechanical hummingbird. I am a lesbian heart factory. I am a visionary.”
And Ben Affleck replied, “I will support you in this if we never make eye contact again and I can wear Donald Trump face paint.”
For an hour, Jennifer Lopez goes to therapy.
Fat Joe listens to her attentively. So does the Zodiac Counsel. For some reason Sadhguru is Pisces. Sadhguru is an actual irl guru and also he is standing beside Sophia Vergara who says “sometimes I eat my own hair.”
“Solipsism? I was going to include her, but her agent said she was too busy for the shoot,” JLo says with enormous doe eyes and a fake-AI version of her face.
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I’m so supportive of a delusional milf wasting her money on self-aggrandizing nonsense.
Every minute of “This is Me…Now” that is over-stylized chaotic nonsense is perfection. You should know I just gave five stars to Chopping Mall. That’s where I come from when I say this is perfection.
Lots of this is boring. About seven hours into the sixty-minute film, I got very tired of JLo, innocent victim of love addiction. Then I reached the final number and I wished it was boring again because someone who cannot dance should never, ever evoke Gene Kelly in a professional setting. I support her delusional bad-dancing in most scenarios, i.e. bad-dancing in the kitchen while making cookies. Twenty million dollars of delusional bad-dancing in Gene Kelly style is asking a lot. Even from me. Who mostly wanted to motorboat her.
“I can fix her,” I whispered at the TV, a lot. JLo is so beautiful. I think? We didn’t really see her face at any point. The Snapchat filters were almost as busy as the autotune in this. Also I was very distracted by the heart wedding dress that aaaalmost flashed her JLussy at us.
AI-generated JLo looks incredible in every single incarnation, whether she’s Heart Maintenance Dyke or if she’s Flying Off a Motorcycle or if she’s Watching Sadhguru Marry Her Friends or if she’s in Abusive Boyfriend Bondage Gear or–
Oh, the intro of this twenty million dollar video is absolutely AI-generated. Can you imagine? Twenty million dollars and she mostly spent it hiring Kim Petras to be Virgo, the virgin. (I’m sure Kim Petras finds this as funny as I do.)
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James Cameron is not a milf and he spends many more millions (billions) of dollars on racist, self-aggrandizing nonsense, inflicting upon the world a franchise which is deeply derivative and forces us to attempt to take CGI teenage alien Sigourney Weaver seriously.
Darren Aronofsky makes the most solipsistic, self-indulgent crap like mother! and then he gets Oscars for a spectacularly fat-hating movie.
Someone gave Zack Snyder a lot of money to make Rebel Moon. On purpose.
Not a one of them is an extremely hot milf that I want to motorboat. They might as well shove their bloated budgets up their bungholes for all I care.
Let Jennifer Lopez be delusional. Let her make a terrible auto-tuned album about how she’s learned she needs to love her Thanos-snapped-flower-petal child version of herself burn in an all-women heart reactor in the Love Factory. Let the lady dance badly!
I would have given this steaming load of nonsense five stars if the intro and credits aren’t AI-generated. I believe in Women’s Wrongs. I’d much rather have a fully authentic-to-self, batshit insane, completely off-the-wall music video that is boring for a solid 30 minutes and ridiculous for the other 30 than another mother!. That said, forcing me to listen to Neil deGrasse Tyson should actually be a war crime, and I hope her next project is in a women’s prison to atone for her sins. I’ll be waiting for her there. (I can fix her.)
