credit: Concorde Pictures

Movie Review: Chopping Mall (1986) *****

In Chopping Mall, a 1980s shopping mall buys a three-robot police force to protect capital from ~thieves~. A lightning strike makes the robots go on an overnight killing spree. A bunch of horny young people who stayed in a furniture store for an orgy and excessive use of hairspray get targeted by the killbots, and only the least-horny ones survive.

If that paragraph sounds good to you, then this is a five-star movie. If it doesn’t sound good, there is nothing in the movie you will enjoy. Nothing.

Director Jim Wynorski has never met a boner that didn’t turn into a film pitch. This is the man behind 2016’s “Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre,” which is like a less-horny version of his pitch for unmade cinema classic “Prison Planet,” all about naked prisoner women fighting mutant alien naked women. He had the idea for Sharkansas in the shower. Yeah, he was definitely doing what we all think, and then he was like “I’m going to find a producer for this!” after hosing his Jimshot off the wall.

So when I tell you this man boner’d his way through 80s slasher horror, you can imagine how many shots of boobies the movie features. A *significant* portion of the movie is horny hooligans in a furniture store. If he can think of any excuse for the women (and the men too, to be fair) to be partially nude, entirely nude, showing boobies, or showing butt, then HE WILL DO IT.

Everything about Chopping Mall is perfect.

Here are some snippets of dialogue to prove my thesis:

“I guess I’m just not used to being chased around a mall by killer robots in the middle of the night.”

Guy: You smell like pepperoni.
Girl: Well if THAT is how you feel–
Guy, more sexily: I like pepperoni.
Girl: In that case… (she gets her boobies out)

“You know Brennan, you’re becoming a real candidate for prickhood.”

Guy: Jesus! What’s that?
Another guy: Robot blood.

The character Allison Parks is literally named after a porn star. Whose name was Alison Parks.

As horny as Wynorski was for Allison Parks (and her actress, explicitly cast because Wynorski wanted to bone her, according to IMDB trivia), Chopping Mall nonetheless follow horror movie rules. There is a final girl, and she’s the one who doesn’t whip out her titties. I think she’s supposed to be ugly, fat, and smart? I’m never sure when the 80s intend for me to regard a character as fat and ugly because I think everyone’s hot. But she’s got cheeks and keeps her shirt on, AND she’s forced to date the nerd guy, so I’m pretty sure she’s fat and ugly.

The reason that Chopping Mall is ideal as a Valentine’s Day movie is because the final girl also gets her final boyfriend to survive at the very end. Isn’t that so cute and wholesome?

My absolute favorite moment in the movie is when a girl falls down holding a gas can, and her friends watch with extremely mild concern as a robot laser-blasts the gas can. The girl immediately turns into a flaming stuntman (quite burly) wearing a blonde wig while her screams play over his thrashing. I’m convinced the only reason that this character ever put on clothes was for this moment. Wynorski didn’t want to see the stuntman naked. Gross!

If reading this review didn’t convince you that Chopping Mall is great, then it won’t be. But I’m telling you this is CINEMA. REAL CINEMA.

(image credit: Concorde Pictures)

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