This is an ongoing feature recapping episodes of the Greatest Show Ever, ITV’s “Doc Martin.” Please watch the episodes before reading if you don’t want spoilers.

It’s another glorious day in Portwenn. Louisa is joining a surfing club to prove to the kids that she isn’t so old. Martin sees an older fellow in a minor boat crash (he faints out on the water!), and to his surprise, the man identifies Martin as “Little Marty.” This guy has a history with Portwenn! John Slater used to live there, and he took Marty and Joan out on his boat. He’s also not disappointed to hear that Phil, a former partner of Joan, has died.

Martin also gets a patient named Melanie, whose arm was dislocated by her pillock of a brother. When Martin fixes her arm, she goes from hostile to a little too friendly. She hunts him down with a gift of cake. His awkwardness is hilarious, as you would expect. Martin truly does not know what to make of one of the giggling girls who roam the village like feral dogs being flirtatious. He doesn’t even seem to recognize it at first, since she’s so young compared to him. Not that it’s a problem for Melanie.

She leaves him a love card too. And she tells him he’s not Bodmin, but “lovely,” and Martin starts to realize he needs to draw some lines between them. Even he knows that her card (“lots of lurve”) is a bad sign. His “Oh God” made me scream-laugh. He tries to tell her clearly that he’s not interested in her, but she doesn’t want to hear it. And she’s not even sixteen yet!!!

Martin is so concerned about this “besotted” girl that he even seeks out help from PC Mylow, the least helpful person in a town filled with unhelpful people. It’s pretty funny seeing Mylow taking the piss out of Martin, though. Mylow isn’t worried about Melanie, but he thinks Martin should be, because Melanie’s dad is into tae-kwon do.

Anyway, Martin is trying to keep Melanie away in the kindest, most direct way. She takes it very rationally and…shows up naked in his bed!!! She broke in to his bedroom with a ladder!!! She thought it would be like Romeo and Juliet!!!!

The next day, Melanie’s dad shows up!!!! The tae-kwon do guy!

Luckily, Melanie’s (extremely tall) father isn’t coming to beat him up. He totally understanding his daughter is doing a bit of transference and having a phase. It’s not what we expect at all, and it’s nice to see someone who isn’t raking Martin over the coals for the slightest mistake. It’s nice that this is such a fun (horrifying!!!) plot, because everything else going on is sad.

The medical mystery: John Slater is reluctant to be examined by Martin. He also claims he doesn’t have a GP. He lives in Hong Kong! But his flushed face and shortness of breath draw Martin to look into him more closely. John admits that he’s had all sorts of heart problems, like atrial fibrillation and orthostatic hypertension, yet he refused to be sent to the hospital in Truro. He also insists Martin doesn’t tell Joan that he’s sick… Always a bad sign.

Without the patient being compliant, it takes a while to know what’s going on. The lab results he eventually gets are grim. John has rheumatic heart disease. He also has infective endocarditis. It’s terminal, and John knows it. He’s only got six months to a year left. No wonder he’s boating around the world and visiting old loves.

The Auntie: This is a Joan-heavy episode! We love Aunt Joan. She’s extremely flustered to hear that John is back in town and tries to avoid him to no avail. She goes totally heart-eyes at the sight of him. Joan, you dog! He invites her to hang out and visit the old haunts, by which he totally means he wants to bang it out. Who doesn’t want to bang such a gorgeous silver cougar??

Martin is worried about Joan since John showed up. Even though Martin can’t talk about the medical issues, he’s still keen to make sure Joan’s heart is safe. It’s super cute seeing him float around her and trying to get her to talk about it. He’s totally unprepared to hear Joan admit she was cheating on her husband Phil with John back in the day. Joan!!!! You dog!!!!!!

If I’m not mistaken, this is how we learned the method of Phil’s death. She says “motor neurone.” I’m not entirely sure what that is. Maybe he just couldn’t keep up with this foxy babe. Anyway, John is determined to keep up. No matter how she tries to turn him aside, he remains persistent, and even talks her into a picnic date. I’m struck by how cute these sexagenarians are. They’re genuinely gorgeous people. No wonder they fall in love again.

Through Martin’s efforts to support Joan, we learn that Martin’s shitty dad kept Martin and Joan apart at some point because Dad thought Joan was a woman of “gross moral turpitude.” Is this the first indication Martin’s parents suck so bad? Martin is crushed to realize that Joan lost time she could have shared with John on his account — though really it’s his dad’s fault. These moments between Martin and Joan are so sweet. It’s really wonderful to see how intensely Martin loves his auntie.

John totally breaks Joan’s heart. He tells her that he’s still married, and she can’t come sailing around the world with him. But it’s a lie. He’s never loved anyone but Joan, as he confesses to Martin; he just doesn’t want her to take care of him in his last months as he dies. Martin tells her the truth as John is sailing away. Her tears are heartbreaking!

The Assistant: Elaine is even grumpier and more useless than usual. Hey, remember how she and Al were making out? Elaine broke up with the Greg we never see, liberating her white girl dreadlocks to date elsewhere. Al immediately moves in on her. Al definitely has a thing for receptionists, but also, it’s not like there’s an overwhelming number of girls his age there. He’s a little old for the giggling girl brigade.

They connect over music, but really, they should be connecting over her excellent cable knit sweater. Anyway, they end up snogging in an alley, which the Giggling Girls immediately spot. THEY SEE ALL. THEY KNOW ALL. Elaine says Al has a “lush bum” and I never noticed that, personally, but now I’m going to be looking. He reminds me a lot of my spouse in 2004, tbh. He’s wearing a shirt my spouse wore all the time back in the day. Al is such a catch here, too.

He loads up an iPod with music for Elaine…only to hear her on the phone with her ex Greg. Sad trombones. I guess that relationship isn’t developing. Elaine is the worst of the assistants, by far.

Louisa & Martin: Louisa tells Martin it would be great to see him out of his suit :3 Of course she is inviting him to go surfing (hence needing a wet suit), but that’s really her only scene in the episode. Still, we do hear from Melanie that Martin & Louisa’s romance is known throughout the town, which is very validating this early in their will-they-won’t-they.

The Larges: Most of Al’s plot is wrapped up in Elaine here, but we do get an appearance from Bert, failing to understanding technology. He’s convinced Al is going to irradiate himself with the cell phone. And he needs to be assured that Al isn’t calling into some internet “sex-change room.” Remember when the internet was only for porn?

Favorite Quote: “I was probably too busy wetting myself to notice. Forgive me.”

~

Louisa’s Hair Rating: 10/10. We get a really functional Louisa ponytail in this episode! It’s beautiful to see her less-styled. I hope the actress had a nice week off filming.

Infuriating Level: 0/10. Martin is treated very well this episode, and his plot with the community is hysterical.

Episode Greatness Level: 10/10. It’s soooo sad and soooo funny in turns. Legendary.

This is an ongoing feature recapping episodes of the Greatest Show Ever, ITV’s “Doc Martin.” Please watch the episodes before reading if you don’t want spoilers.

It’s another glorious day in Portwenn. There’s a community dance coming up, the town is a bit misty (lovely!), and we meet a boy named Peter who has a bad attitude. He’s extremely clever and extremely sour about having to learn about birds. As his teacher, Louisa has to put her foot down on his recalcitrance. She leaves him just outside the house with the birds. Naturally, this doesn’t work, and the boy gets up to trouble promptly. Peter Cronk destroys the “bird tables,” which appear to be a mix of bird houses and bird feeders (if we’re gonna be all American about it).

Peter has to rebuild the bird tables with PC Mark Mylow as a punishment, but Peter says he’d rather just get arrested. What a little punk! No wonder his mum is so anxious. Mrs Cronk has absolutely zero chill. Mylow is very kind about the whole thing, which makes Louisa see him in a new light.

In the meantime, it’s off to the moors for Doc Martin. He doesn’t have much success with visits to the moors. I get a strong sense of class concerns in regards to the moors, and the show is usually pretty sympathetic about it. But it doesn’t change the fact that his appointment goes poorly, and he doesn’t make a community dance in time. He’s trapped with the patient while Mylow and Louisa attend the dance together.

While everyone is distracted by the dance (or an appointment), Peter Cronk decides to make a run for it. He doesn’t really have a plan for being out on his own and spends the night eating snacks out of his backpack. When Mrs Cronk realizes he’s not in his bedroom the next morning, she completely loses her cool.

Mylow and Martin spot Peter Cronk trying to hitch a ride on their way back from the moors and bring him safely home. Martin and Peter connect with each other over being weird autistic rude people, too. (This is important later on the show.)

The medical mystery: Martin only has one appointment this afternoon. He has to go see the park ranger, Stewart James, who has been asking for a visit out on Bodmin Moor for weeks. Martin doesn’t want to go. This is a service Dr. Sim used to provide. The whole town expects Martin to act like Dr. Sim, demanding prescriptions that Sim would have given. Since Elaine books the appointment, Martin ultimately has to go see Stewart James.

Stewart James has a creepy little house in the middle of the vast green beauty of the moors. Tall metal fences keep the world locked out…and Doc Martin locked in. Initially, it seems like Stewart and Martin will get on. Stewart’s grumpiness about the village actually makes Martin smile! But then it turns out Stewart wants nitrazepam, a benzodiazepine he claims that Dr. Sim used to give him, and Martin doesn’t want to give it.

So Stewart confesses that the benzo isn’t for him. It’s for “a friend.” Anthony. An invisible red squirrel. He’s out to get the gray squirrels, who are the “squirrel equivalent of the Nazis.” Hey, turns out Stewart James is schizotypal! And Martin is trapped with him inside a locked fence! We get a really fun performance from the actor for Stewart James, Ben Miller, interacting with his friend the invisible 6-foot-tall red squirrel.

Martin does manage to leave, and promptly tries to get Stewart James sectioned (put into a mental institution, presumably). It doesn’t work out. Stewart James is so offended and unmedicated that he comes into town…and wrecks the bird tables! Those poor bird tables don’t deserve better. But it turns out that Stewart’s relationship with Anthony is well-understood in town, and everyone ends up blaming this on Martin for failing to medicate Stewart properly.

This also means Peter Cronk hasn’t been destroying the bird tables. It’s Stewart. No wonder the kid ran away, facing threat of arrest for something he didn’t do.

Looking through Dr. Sim’s notes, Martin realizes that Stewart James has been getting pills: vitamins. The old doctor only told him that they were benzos. So Martin is able to give Stewart James what he actually needs. This is another case where you just can’t handle Portwenn the way a big city would.

Louisa & Martin: Louisa extends an invitation to the dance to Martin, and he immediately gets weird about it, even though she’s so beautiful. Her hair is so shiny! Her dress is off-the-shoulders! I love the doc, but she’s obviously out of his league by about ten thousand kilometers. Anyway, Louisa invites PC Mark Mylow instead, and Mark takes it like an invitation to a date. He has no idea she’s out of everyone’s league.

Mylow comes to Doc Martin to ask for big-penis-pills in anticipation of the dance. He’s worried he’s not normal-sized. Mylow reveals has been buying penis pills off the internet! Which is an even bigger deal now that he has a date with the “woman of his dreams,” Louisa! Martin is so jealous the instant he realizes what Mylow is on about. He pushes him straight out of the office. And Mylow decides to take the penis pills into his own hands.

Louisa doesn’t realize how romantically inclined Mylow has become until they’re pretty much already dancing. What a disappointment for Martin to see Mylow dancing with the woman of his their dreams. He walks away before realizing Louisa is trying to let Mylow down easily, which is a disappointment for both Louisa and Martin. They’re so smitten. <333

The Larges: Bert is the one putting together the dance, which makes me immediately suspicious. Some people really shouldn’t ever have anything to do with business, no matter how innocuous. But this is one of those times where Bert’s event actually goes well. Is this the only time one of his events goes well? Remember, he was just selling bottled water contaminated by calving sheep the other day. He gets a band and decorations and everything. Nothing burns down. It’s incredible.

Favorite Quote: “You’ll get over it, big boy.”

~

Louisa’s Hair Rating: 10/10. How is it soooo shiny? I love the long tapered bangs on her. It hides her eyes a bit, but also balances out her big lovely lips. <33

Infuriating Level: 3/10. This one isn’t very infuriating. It’s tense! The first time I watched it I was actually quite scared for Martin. I really thought he was going to get shot by Stewart James.

Episode Greatness Level: 9/10. The scariness of the encounters on the moors and the whole squirrel thing means this is one of the more iconic episodes. I think back on it all the time!

This is an ongoing feature recapping episodes of the Greatest Show Ever, ITV’s “Doc Martin.” Please watch the episodes before reading if you don’t want spoilers.

Portwenn has unrealistic expectations for our dearly beloved Doctor Martin Ellingham. It’s not enough for him to be a great doctor: he also has to be ready to issue prizes at events, as in episode one, and he’s expected to be a personality on the local radio talk show. He only gives one-word answers on the radio, much to the deep disappointment of Portwenn’s Personality Playlist host, Caroline.

Trying to platform the doctor turns out to be a dreadful idea. Asking for wordier answers means he says “Yes, I do” instead of just “Yes.” And once he gets everyone’s ear on the radio, he accuses the municipal water of being a source of disease, which causes an utter panic. Caroline cuts him off when he tries to issue a boiled water advisory.

In the past, an issue with aluminum suspected in the water nearly shut down the whole town. Portwenn isn’t a rich place. They’d rather be sick than lose their tourist dollars. I admire how the show never turns away from the deep poverty faced in such a setting.

She’s right to cut him off, though: testing the water proves that it’s not the source of contamination.

Roger Fenn, meanwhile, has been undergoing chemotherapy for his throat issues. Fenn hopes that Martin can give him a sick note in order to get the school to pay him for his pension. It would be a big deal for Fenn, who doesn’t have money, but Martin would have to falsify records. Martin’s a stickler for rigid rules. Even being asked for it is offensive to him, and that’s one of those things we love about him, even if Portwenn doesn’t. Martin wants to help if he can, though. He’s willing to look at Fenn’s forms. He’s just not willing to lie.

Louisa has another idea to help Fenn. She tries to arrange for him to teach music part-time at the school. Fenn initially resists in the hopes of getting his pension, but in the end, he takes the position.

The medical mystery: Diarrhea has been getting around in the community. The doc isn’t initially concerned when the first patient arrives — a lifeguard at the public pool. The second patient we see also is a frequent swimmer, and this quickly turns into a water-related paranoia.

Martin suspects a chlorine-resistant parasite, and the pool owner is not willing to shut down the pool, shock it, and change the filters. What else is a responsible doctor to do except scream at the children that they need to leave or get sick? Martin has shown repeatedly that he’s not capable of more social sensitivity.

His office is absolutely swarmed by diarrhea cases. More than thirty in two days! Where could it be coming from?

The Assistant: Elaine’s back at work, and she’s still not good at it. She’s talking to her boyfriend Greg on the phone no matter how she gets yelled at and won’t look up anything she doesn’t have to. She’s not interested in improving, either. Martin tries to show her how to fix her computer. He thinks she’ll like the computer more if she understands how it works. I mean, it works for Martin, right? He fixes clocks, and computers are hardly more complicated than clocks. But Elaine would literally rather kill herself (in her own words).

Elaine makes the outbreak of diarrhea worse by refusing patients who have “belly ache.” She’s basically the opposite of a medical professional and absolutely should not be giving medical advice over the phone, even if she regards it as common sense. It means Martin takes more than a day to learn that there are more than a dozen cases of diarrhea in the community.

Mrs. Tishell: This is the first real visit from Doc Martin to Mrs. Tishell, who expects herself to be equal to the doctor in many ways. She wants to do tea and cake. She beats herself up for not notifying him that everyone is having diarrhea, though Martin has not been berating her specifically. Also, we may notice at this point that she’s always wearing a neck brace.

She’s just another member of the community who really expects the doctor to be more social than just a doctor. You’d think it would be a letdown, but then again, you wouldn’t think Mrs. Tishell would turn out the way she does.

The Auntie: Joan is an effective translator between Martin and the town, as usual. She points out that he didn’t test the water before making an accusation. Even when Martin is being reasonable, he’s still gotta do better. Portwenn isn’t like London. Or any sane town, really.

Louisa & Martin: Martin is rendered useless by Louisa’s presence. She shows up to apologize for times she’s been abrasive with him, and Martin promptly spills water all over himself. They cannot have a conversation that actually communicates anything without butting heads, either. It offends her when he seeks to clarify her intentions. He can’t meet her halfway when she’s trying to extend a lunch invitation to him, either. But he *wants* to, terribly so. The man is useless around her! He’s so smitten with Louisa! Who can blame him when she’s so flipping pretty?

It’s cute how Louisa also can’t get Martin out of her head. She notices a coworker, Joan, is looking a bit pale, and immediately gets distracted by the very idea of Joan seeing the doctor. Ahhh, the doctor <333

The two of them actually get to go on their first date in this episode! Which PC Mylow ruins. Very Portwenn.

The Larges: Our favorite plumbers, who are terrible at their jobs, are working on the plumbing at the radio station when Martin is first interviewed. We learn that Al’s mother is dead and Bert has been hanging her ghost over Al’s head to get him to do all the work in the plumbing business. Al doesn’t love it, and he shouldn’t. Al moves out after the tiff.

Bert isn’t sure how to parent. Martin tries to help him with emotional support, but it just makes it worse. The way that Martin is always doing his best and offending everyone feels so relatable.

Honestly, it’s not Martin’s fault in this case. Bert is dreadful. He just sees the water issues as an excuse to sell “French spring water.” Which turns out to be bottled water from Bert’s spring, actually, and the actual source of the parasites making everyone sick. It’s Bert’s fault! Aww, sorta sweet seeing the first time Bert ruined everything for everyone. This man shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near businesses, or money, or…anything.

Bert supporting Al’s interest in computers also introduces Al and Elaine, meaning he gets his first assistant-girlfriend.

I think it’s so cute how Al and Bert are clearly both Alberts. Al looks like his name is spelled: Tall and skinny. The older, wider Bert definitely looks like a Bert.

Favorite Quote: “Take two aspirin and insult me in the morning.”

~

Louisa’s Hair Rating: 10/10. Her bangs are wispy, her hair is long, and she’s got a bit pulled back to create multiple levels. It’s so shiny. She could totally be a hair model.

Infuriating Level: 5/10. I hate how the town is so mean to Martin about his efforts to keep them healthy, but when they need tourism for their jobs, I understand their hostility here. Plus, he’s wrong on this occasion. He shouldn’t have made accusations before testing. Caroline should eat sheep shit, though.

Episode Greatness Level: 7/10. It’s great to see Doc Martin striving to do better and watching Bert screw things up the first time. <3