• sara reads the feed

    Disease, raw eggs, and raw billionaire

    I’ve been watching *so* many movies lately, but I haven’t been writing longer reviews for them. I’ve been too busy doing the actual work required in fulfilling a Kickstarter, launching a new horror novel, and editing another book of mine…while trying not to burn out. That means aggressively allocating time to Normal Life as well as Work and Work-like Things. That means fewer reviews!

    Still, I am watching lots of new-to-me favorites! I loved the original Night of the Living Dead. Although it wasn’t as good as the first one, Scream 2 was a hoot that made me want to watch the rest of the franchise. And I can’t stop thinking about Rec!

    Also on my list of worky stuff: trying to get a TikTok account to the size that I can actually put links in my bio.

    ~

    There’s a new 4K restoration of Tarsem Singh’s The Fall that we need to watch. (The Film Stage)

    ~

    Apparently Cape fur seals have an outbreak of rabies. (AJE) This is kinda scary to read. The seals bit five people before they identified them as rabies-infected. Luckily, no humans contracted rabies from the bites, but still.

    The interaction between diseases in animals and diseases in humans is generally scary. Smithsonian Mag notes that infant mortality is higher in places where bats have white nose syndrome.

    Also, someone caught H5-type bird flu without animal contact in Missouri. (Ars Technica) Bird flu has reached California dairies. (Ars Technica)

    And salmonella has been found in some eggs (NPR), but not in Nevada, so I’m still eating raw cookie dough.

    ~

    A study suggests that vaping screws up your lungs just as much as smoking. (The Guardian)

    As a piece of total anecdata, I definitely found this was true for me. Sometimes vaping was way worse for my lungs. Kinda depends on the vape.

    ~

    “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?” almost stayed on the cutting room floor of the Lion King. (Variety) It’s bananas to consider we almost didn’t have the sequence with the horny lioness gaze.

    Other strange cinema history: The sexy piano scene with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere in Pretty Woman was improvised. (Vanity Fair)

    ~

    Selena Gomez is a billionaire so we gotta eat her too. (Variety)

    ~

    We might as well note that The Graveyard Book has been delayed (Variety) because of allegations against Neil Gaiman because I predict there will actually be no long-term consequences for his predatory behavior.

    ~

    Bad news for publishing. Apple Books has had one of the best teams in the industry, but Apple failed to recognize it and laid off a bunch of staff. (Ars Technica)

  • credit: Focus Features
    movie reviews

    The exquisite terror of Coraline (2009)

    My spooky season starts in August every year. Halloween is my favorite aesthetic, I’m low-key goth anyway, and I never run out of horror movies to watch.

    I’ve already been watching so many movies.

    I used to be easy to scare: basically, if it had ghosts, I was terrified. This still works on me a little bit — I struggle in particular with the suspense leading up to a ghost reveal — but for the most part, nothing scares me anymore.

    Being afraid isn’t the only emotional experience you can have with horror, though. There’s sad horror, like The Sixth Sense and Martyrs, and there’s exciting gory horror like Saw. You can experience dread and nostalgia and anger and a genuine self-questioning depression.

    Yet there’s one movie that nails fear in a way that nothing else does — a primal fright that makes me feel small and helpless like when I was a child, unsafe in your own home, and where nothing is the way it seems.

    That movie, of course, is Coraline.

    It’s a classic setup: a young girl and her family move to a house away from the life she used to know. It’s an old, scary sort of house, where she lives in close company with total strangers. Her stressed, busy parents don’t have time for her.

    When she explores, she finds herself in — essentially — the most horrible portal fantasy you can imagine. She has to overcome fable-like trials in order to save herself, her family, and her friends.

    This story is familiar. You’ve read it in a lot of fairy tales and coming-of-age stories about that weird, difficult time in a kid’s life where they shed the last trappings of young childhood and start hurtling toward adulthood.

    That familiarity is why it’s so effective, in part: we all read stories like this as a kid, and it takes you right back to childhood to read them again. More than that, growing up is a universal experience, and the metaphors at hand are terribly effective.

    I was already a proper adult when Coraline came out, but I’m still not immune. Being a child was a scary experience. Far worse than being an adult, where my problems are much bigger, more tangible, and higher stakes. Childhood is a time of being very small with very little control. When your parents aren’t friendly, there’s nowhere safe to go.

    There’s so much more to Coraline than its flawless execution of ancient tropes, though. It’s one of the most beautiful movies I’ve ever seen. The stop-motion animation is incredible. The art direction is unmatched. The eerie, lovely score matches the beauty-terror of the rest of the movie.

    Coraline also pulls no punches. It knows kids can handle the worst of the worst, and at times, it savagely attacks with imagery that still chills me.

    It might be a movie made for young people, but it’s great at any age. If you let it take you on the journey, you might find it’s one of the genuinely scariest movies you’ve ever seen.

    (image credit: Focus Features)

  • image credit: Neon
    movie reviews,  movies

    The Sin of Arrested Development in Longlegs (2024)

    I bled…bled…bled…bled…

    Giving birth is body horror.

    The first time I made a human, they became stuck inside my pelvis. My vagina was stretched around their head. Despite the needle jammed into my spine, I could feel it: the tearing, the pressure. They stayed there for so long. The nurse put a hook into the baby’s skull to track the heartbeat and make sure we weren’t dying. I reached down and touched this hairy bulging thing coming out between my thighs and I kept crying because it wouldn’t come out.

    I did bleed.

    The second time I made a human, some vessel on the outside of my uterus ruptured. My abdominal cavity flooded with blood. Myself and my baby immediately began to die. They performed full-depth cuts through every layer of my body, ripped me open wide, and yanked the baby out.

    He was dead. They woke him up.

    I needed a transfusion.

    I was a handful as it weres. Momma always hated me ’cause how I’d come out wrongly when I was borned. Bled her up too much.

    You go through the horror of it because you get a baby at the end.

    What a reward for the pain: something so small, so needy, so dependent upon you. They love unconditionally. They know none of your flaws, and they give you purpose.

    They don’t stay babies.

    Someday, in a time that arrives so quickly, the little ones grow up. You can watch it happening day to day. Sometimes it seems like they take a longer nap than usual, and when they get up, they’re just about an inch taller.

    Sometime around nine or ten years old, they’ve lost all the baby parts. All the squishy cute pieces are gone. They’re starting to think for themselves, turning to the world outside, and having lives of their own.

    They don’t need you as much.

    They start to get long legs.

    I can’t believe it’s gonna be your birthday again so soon.

    Dolls never grow up.

    They don’t have needs.

    But if you want your child to stay a doll — if you want to keep them from reaching adolescence and adulthood — there’s only one way to really go about it.

    You can’t let them grow.

    If you accept the state of frozen development, you’re accepting destruction of the child, the baby you made, the sacrifice it took from your body. You’re accepting the annihilation of an entire family.

    You’re not a child because you were allowed to grow up. This is a cruel world. Especially for the little things. Not all of them are allowed to live.

  • sara reads the feed

    The ocean eats a billionaire, mosquitoes eat humans, Boeing should eat dirt

    I’ve been watching lots of movies lately, but writing many fewer individual reviews than usual. I do write something short on Letterboxd. I just have a lot of work to do right now, and reviews have to take second place, sadly.

    Prepping and running Kickstarters is a lot of work…theoretically. I haven’t actually been doing a lot of promoting my current Kickstarter. I’m using this as a trial run for Kickstarting a new book next, which I will want to push harder, and I’m preparing that project while this one runs.

    In order to have the new book come out, though, I have to finish editing it. And this book is markedly over a thousand pages.

    Woof.

    Reviews are secondary, bummed as that makes me. I love writing movie reviews.

    ~

    It sounds like a tornadic waterspout helped the ocean eat a billionaire. Hmm. (Smithsonian Mag) Real hand of god stuff there, yeah?

    ~

    This is scary. A town has a mosquito-borne illness that kills 50% of the people who contract it. (Ars Technica)

    EEE virus is spread by mosquitoes in certain swampy areas of the country, particularly in Atlantic and Gulf Coast states and the Great Lakes region. Mosquitoes shuttle the virus between wild birds and animals, including horses and humans. In humans, the virus causes very few cases in the US each year—an average of 11, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. But given the extreme risk of EEE, health officials take any spread seriously.

    It’s rare, but West Nile Virus is not quite so rare, and climate change is helping it spread in America. (Scientific American)

    Mpox is also getting around, becoming a global health threat. (AJE)

    Unfortunately we’re still dealing with the last mass-disabling event. Numbers of Long COVID in North England are breathtaking. (The Guardian) Luckily, we have a COVID booster coming in the USA quite soon. (Balloon Juice)

    I think I might have mentioned previously that slapped cheek virus is also getting around kids this year. (NPR)

    ~

    Variety’s review of “Evil” reminds me I need to finish watching it. It feels like another lifetime where I watched the first season, but now the whole thing is done, so I oughta plow through the nuttery.

    Besides their own worst instincts — Kristen once killed a guy with an ax! — “Evil” pits its central trio against Leland Townsend (Michael Emerson), a smirking, bespectacled figure who’s far more menacing than some of the show’s traditional terrors. (Though Kristen’s literal sleep paralysis demon wearing her late mother’s wig certainly got the job done.) One of the many theater legends who populate the Kings’ New York-area sets, Emerson could easily toggle between the banality of the eponymous concept and its giggling, hysterical extremes. It was Leland who stole one of Kristen’s eggs to become Timothy’s biological father, and Leland who Kristen nearly strangled to death in the finale when he breaks into her home. Only the intervention of Ben and David, her better angels, keeps Kristen from crossing the line again.

    ~

    I keep thinking about this. The USA is working on a protocol for all the vehicles on the road to talk to each other, which will make driving safer. (Engadget)

    V2X enables vehicles to stay in touch with each other as well as pedestrians, cyclists, other road users and roadside infrastructure. It lets them share information such as their position and speed, as well as road conditions. They’d be able to do so in situations with poor visibility, such as around corners and in dense fog, NPR notes.

    On one hand: good.

    On the other hand…we’re really committed to this whole individual vehicles on roads thing, aren’t we? Not gonna have a comprehensive rail system in the next couple lifetimes?

    ~

    How are we getting the Boeing astronauts home? There’s been a lot of talk about sending them on Dragon, but their space suits aren’t compatible. (Quartz)

    There’s still a chance of coming home on Starliner, but I reeeeaaally hope they don’t do that. (The Guardian)

    In much cooler space news, there’s a new theory about the Wow! signal. Nobody ever really thought it was aliens, but they couldn’t figure it out anyway. Now they’re guessing it’s from magnetars (like quasars) passing a cloud of hydrogen that refined it into a sorta laser-tight signal. (Ars Technica)

    ~

    I guess it shouldn’t be surprising, but one of the “better” artificial sweeteners (erithrytol) has been linked to thrombosis. (Scientific American) Darnit.

    Artificially sweetening things is hard. A lot of our options still impact blood sugar levels or cause digestive upset. Erithrytol was one of the good ones. Thrombosis isn’t worth it, though.

  • A baby nursery on a security camera. image credit: Paramount Pictures
    movie reviews

    MOVIE REVIEW: Paranormal Activity 2 (2010) ****

    Paranormal Activity 2 is a really clever follow-up to its predecessor. In the first one, we met a couple being tormented by a demon; the second is actually a prequel that helps establish and contextualize the first one. These aren’t expensive movies, so I’d have expected the execution to feel cheap. It’s not! It’s really nice to see Katie again. Micah is there too. I wasn’t thrilled to see him again, but his presence did emphasize the extremely distinct characterization relative to the dude in the new family.

    Yet again, we have one of the sisters (Kristi instead of Katie this time) with a demon hanging around, and the demon is only slightly eviller than her husband. It’s a solid formula! PA2 demonstrates that the makers of PA1 understood what made the first one work. They don’t mess around getting back to business.

    While Micah’s obsession with his handheld camcorder was the entire excuse for having the first movie’s “found footage,” the second has home security cameras indoors and out as a reaction to a robbery. So we don’t need a dreadful personality like Micah’s again in order to make sure we have footage of every moment — although handheld cameras are also used, so it still gets to feel intimate and immediate.

    The explanation for the demon’s origin is lightly handled. I expect the third movie will get more into the reason a demon goes after Kristi and Katie, but they provide sufficient explanation for the demon’s existence within the context of PA2 as well. Research from teen stepdaughter shows that demons can be summoned to give power and success to men in exchange for their firstborn son. Classy! Dad is a tasteless crapsack.

    The crapsackiness of Dad is a throughline here. He doesn’t really believe Kristi at any point. When his daughter gets involved, he becomes more rageful. Gaslight, gatekeep, get attacked by demon! And he makes the biggest crapsack of all crapsack decisions to help set up PA1 as well. It’s extremely satisfying from a narrative standpoint.

    The slow build is very similar to the first movie, and it gets very exciting in a similar way too. The most obvious demon influences feel a lot more high budget. I won’t spoil you — it’s fun to be surprised! They get a little carried away with the shaky camera and night vision, like they aspired to be as good as Rec, but I’ll forgive them. I’d badly emulate Rec too.

    One jumpscare in this movie actually worked on me.

    All in all, it’s extremely fun to watch and yell at it with your family. The Paranormal Activity movies just do such a good job establishing their goals and meeting the goalposts. It’s quite a flashback to the year 2006 in terms of fashion and home design, too.

    If you’re like me, and worried about the safety of the baby and dog: Baby is menaced but never in much danger, and dog gets injured off-screen but does survive. I was not bothered by the baby and dog elements of the horror. Truly, this is a great horror flick to watch with the family. We’re looking forward to the next one.

    (image credit: Paramount Pictures)

  • facebook,  social media crossposts

    a summer on social media

    May 8th

    I love the thing where I remove my bra and I can inventory everything I ate earlier today by what falls out. ~

    I got myself a foot bath to celebrate publishing a book the first time in (cough cough cough) a few minutes. One of those things where it heats up the water and has massage rollers in it. Aside from wishing it had a wider stance (my feet don’t like to be this close together), it’s really nice. I’m sitting here with my feet marinating right now.

    Normally I don’t do a lot of sitting. I’m either walking outside/on treadmill, using my standing desk, or lying in my bed. So my feet are tired from all the standing up. Cooking them is really nice. Also my feet aren’t cold for once, which is also nice. I wonder if it’s safe to put magnesium salts in? I should probably open the manual.

    I’m gonna try writing like this for a minute and see how it goes. I might be too sleepy/cozy to actually get words out lol

    ~
    Today I was wearing leggings for the first time in a while, and I caught a look at my backside in the mirror, and I was like, “hey gurl whassup”

    My wardrobe became mostly maxi dresses and flowy yoga pants the last couple years. I was a total fashion doll for a minute there. Really enjoyed some funky queer fashion. Nowadays I’m all “Hello, the Lord of Comfort has arrived, and I shan’t be bothered by plebeian things like WAISTBANDS”

    (Rejecting waistbands is related to digestive health issues which I shall not discuss to spare y’all the TMI)

    But I have been doing a lot of minor hikes (couple miles, no noteworthy elevation gain) and walking the dogs, and I think that just moving my butt has made my butt Perk Up. There is something resembling shape going on. And I am definitely prideful enough to give myself an eyebrow-wag when I notice I’m packing junk in the trunk.

    It’s really frustrating how much you really do need exercise — even the smallest bits of it — in order to look good and feel good. Who made THAT rule? Not the Lord of Comfort, that’s for sure.

    May 11th

    Note to self: whenever I’ve been cutting my hair for a minute, and I think I should stop, but then think “how much worse can I make it?”

    …the answer is MUCH WORSE. PUT THE SCISSORS DOWN.

    ~
    I have this theory that a solid 75% of relationships are based on one dynamic:

    – Person who loves talking
    – Person who loves that they don’t have to talk

    I’m the talker, but really *only* with my spouse. My spouse is not a huge talker. Great listener. Genuinely loves not having to hold up his end of a conversation.

    This was also my maternal grandparents! My Grandma kissed the Blarney Stone (literally and figuratively) whereas Grandpa would prefer to sit in silence with his roofing tools.

    ~
    Omg. I fell hard while gardening, and my French bulldog dgaf. Didn’t even check on me. Just kept yorping at the neighbor dog. Rude!

    Lassie! Mommy fell down! Get help! …Lassie? LASSIE!

    ~

    My back yard has gotten to be a disaster after a few years of neglect. A beautiful disaster, mind you. Tree suckers everywhere. We haven’t paid attention in so long that we have some big proper trees out of nearly nowhere.

    A new elm – I like it, and it’s somewhere it can stay.

    A Russian olive – the birds must have made that one. I cut it back severely.

    A maple – much too close to our house and must get removed, but at this point we need some heavy-duty equipment because the trunk’s gotten 2-3″ in diameter and the shears can’t do it.

    And then a hundred little elm & maple saplings.

    Plus, the modest lil baby trees that were in our yard when we got it a decade ago have become real proper big trees, and I am humbled in their presence. They’re amazing to experience.

    Still, these things must be tended somewhat. I took big ol chompers to all the little saplings and suckers. I’ve gotten used to (what feels like) cruelty to my house plants, since I know now that pruning and death is just a gardener’s life. I was out there for quite a while trying to open up the paths again, since they’d been overtaken by growth.

    The biodiversity in plants now that we no longer groom/cultivate a “park-like appearance” (like the house listing originally said) is honestly just stunning. I love letting things overgrow. I can’t let it threaten foundations or creep over to neighbors’ yards for practical purposes, but it’s like this chunk of Nevada foothills or something, and it’s mine to take care of. I feel very magical and special about it.

     

    May 13th


    it rained real hard today, absolutely spectacular early summer storm. (it’s early summer by nevada weather standards.) two hours of great thunder and pissing rain! then sun just in time for golden hour. warm night thereafter. we saw SO MANY toads out on a short walk. <33 BIG GUYS. hand-sized.

    May 15th

    Did you know if you want to finish a book, you have to know how it ends?

    You can’t just set a word count goal and meet it? You have to like…actually finish the story?

    May 16th


    Today a woman asked me if my 9yo was my little brother, AND she let me pet her dogs for like 20 minutes, so I’m gonna be riding that energy for at least a week.

    May 18th

    I grew up in the 90s watching a lot (a LOT) of TV, along with my sibling Rory. My spouse did not. He watched Star Trek: TNG and basically nothing else.

    It’s easy to forget we had culturally divergent childhoods (lol) until I’m rewatching FRIENDS.

    theme song: so no one told you life was gonna be this way
    me and rory: CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP
    spouse: ?!??!?!?!?!

    basically every 23 minutes on the dot, we shock him out of his headphones again. hahahaha

    May 19th

    Someone recommended I use emu oil on my gauged ears, so I got some emu oil, and I’ve been using it. And then I was like “huh I wonder what is in this anyway” so I looked it up–

    EMUS! Emus are in emu oil. I have no idea why I thought “emu oil” was like, a brand name. EMU Oil. IT’S EMUS.

    I? don’t? know? why? this? bothers? me? BUT IT DOES. Now I’m like omg I should have just used coconut oil or something. I eat animals, why does rubbing animal oil on my ears bother me?? But it does! I’m floored that I’m rubbing emu on my ears.

    I’m so sorry emu bb

    May 23rd

    Apparently my kid’s school is having a “market day” where we have to provide some hand-crafted thing for kids to buy. With fake money. Somehow this has led to 9yo saying “WE are going to make crocheted keychains,” wherein WE means MOMMY because nobody else in this house knows what to do with a crochet hook.

    My $15/tiny skein furry yarn (for tribbles) and hardware (eyes, keychain) and my labor (PRICELESS) are just like…randomly committed to this market day thing. hours of crocheting. so that children who like skibidi toilet can get the fruits of my work using fake money. these other smelly children at school bully my child, tell on him because he’s not Christian, etc. and i’m supposed to, what, donate crap to these little turdlets?

    look, i am just not that kind of mommy. i am not remotely saintly; i am a feral dirtbag with a vagina. school needs to assign things to children that children can do on their own. if kids are so excited about getting free stuff, they should make the free stuff.

    but apparently every mommy is making something for this market day.

    i am not that kind of human. i got alllll the way through public school without doing homework at home, even once. i did it between classes, mostly, or i didn’t do it at all. solid C-student. you know what they say, Cs get diplomas.

    school has found me anyway. and i love my child *madly*, and i would make him infinite keychains…if he were keeping them…and i spend a whole lotta time with him, doing stuff for him, preparing fun things to do together. making stuff for this is really not outside the realm of normal. but i feel DEEPLY resentful in the context (school assigning HOMEWORK TO ME).

    not looking for advice or fixes, i’m rage-crocheting all day today. i just HAVE to complain about this. i really can’t over-emphasize how i’ve hated school my entire life and it failed to occur to me that having kids would mean i’d be dealing with utter nonsense again.

    May 29th

    If I catch myself ruminating on conflicts I’ve had in the past — or insults people inflicted upon me — I now stop myself by thinking, “You didn’t know. And they didn’t know.”

    There is so much we don’t know. We learn all the time. Experiences pile upon experiences. Whatever everyone needed to know to avoid conflict (because I really believe folks aren’t *generally* out for a fight), we didn’t have the information required to avoid that friction.

    I didn’t know how to be better. They also didn’t know how to be better. The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows talks of Énouement: “the bittersweetness of having arrived here in the future, finally learning the answers to how things turned out but being unable to tell your past self.”

    We all go through it. This is part of life. It’s gonna keep happening until this life ends and we have to learn again.

    If you’re one of the people who butts heads with me because I Didn’t Know What I Needed to Know, I’m sorry. That’s just where I was (where I am, where I will be). And if you and I have butted heads before, just know that I’m not super hung up on it. I assume you didn’t know either. We’re all good in my book.

    June 3rd

    I’ve been taking my homeschooled 13yo to brunches and it’s soooo nice, sitting on the edge of a fancy golf course with my lil baby (now 6′ tall baby) with nice table manners having a civilized conversation and eating fancy brunch food. Maybe I can call this homeschool too? Making sure they are suitable for existing in society? lol

    They are so lovely to hang out with though :’))) We walk to brunch and back, so we get all the fresh air and time to chat about their interests. And I get to sneak in lectures, like when I did the hour-long lecture about the politics and production of Fritz Lang’s Metropolis.

    We are still behind on math, but on all the other subjects, I have a very bright kiddo who is extremely interesting as a human.

    (If you cannot imagine someone as feral as me near a golf course, I don’t blame you. But I treat it like attending church, which I have done for research. I cover my tattoos, switch to my least-punk piercings, dress appropriately, and pretend I’m a normie. CAMOUFLAGE)

    June 4th

    I’ve been wondering how AI is going to change colloquial English, and formal English in the long term.

    What AI puts out is either loopy junk or chunks of directly copied text, remixed, but it’s what an increasing number of people are familiar with.

    Kids are having papers written and proofread by AI, on a big scale. On a small scale, a lot of people are getting edited by software that’s frequently *wrong*, but consistently wrong, like autocorrect, spell check, and Grammarly. Folks are learning from this. They are adapting to echo these differences. They’re learning punctuation, syntax, etc from this stuff.

    The more people use language in these ways, the greater proportion of people who use a language in a particular way, the more that language is Just Like That.

    I feel funny about this. I accept languages will change — and who am I to be arbiter of the *way* these things change, really? If it’s influenced in a way that looks like junk to me, isn’t that kind of the history of the world? The old generation thinks the new generations are junky? My generation is annoyed by The Youths’ skibidi fanum tax gyatt and my parents’ generation was annoyed by yolo yeet on fleek. Vibe.

    I love reading old fiction. I can see how conventions have changed over a century or more. The paragraph-long compound sentences with an abundance of commas are my favorite. Heck, I was just reading a 1989 book review from the New York Times and jarred by how formal it was, how long the sentences, how clunky it felt. That’s (barely) within my lifetime!

    So right now AI-influenced or -edited crap feels like crap to me. But I wonder if that’s going to be standard at some point, and the way I write is gonna feel stilted/formal/old-fashioned. Or maybe I already do “feel” that way? I mean, gosh, I spent three years writing elf fanfic about gothic romance. My vocabulary has taken weird directions.

    I’m not saying any of this in support of AI; I remain opposed. I just also think education has left a gap where machines can profoundly shape the way we communicate because people don’t know any better, and will have less reason to know “better” as time goes on.

    I’m comfortable with remaining a relic of my time, but I’m also observing this like, “Huh.” As neutrally as I can manage when my biases are so strong.

    June 14th

    Spotting a used pregnancy test box in the Target bathroom trash can is quite the environmental storytelling.
    ~
    I’ve always had a hard time with self-esteem in the looks department, but lately I keep seeing myself and being startled by how pretty I look.

    I think it’s just that I so strongly resemble my mom and my 13yo, like a perfect in-between of the two of them, and the two of them are the most beautiful people on the planet. So I see them when I look at myself, and I’m like, omg so pretty.

    June 19th

    Sibling: It’s funny that your Spouse was so horrified by Insomniac Cafe. I laughed through most of it.

    Me: I know, he’s so sweet. Spouse was especially bothered when the Phoebe character gave birth to… (*remembers 13yo is sitting in the room*) Well when she gave birth to what she gave birth to.

    13yo: What did she give birth to?

    Me: Dog-sized cockroaches.

    13yo: I’m never asking you questions ever again.

    June 22nd

    9yo Sunshine: Whatcha doing?
    Me: Preparing 8th grade math to continue homeschooling Moonlight.
    Sunshine: Aww, you’re like a little teacher. That’s cute.
    Me: You’re cute.
    Sunshine: You should homeschool me too. I’d be a lot less stressed.
    Me: omg but what about MY STRESS

    I had to come up with a persuasive lecture on the spot about why public school is much more ideal for everyone involved. I think I convinced Sunshine he does not actually want Mommy to be his “little teacher,” although that’s freakin adorable.

    ~
    I’ve been back in the gym for the last few weeks. It feels like a big deal but I’m not talking about it because I don’t wanna curse my new-old routine. I lifted real hard and consistently for almost six years, and now I’ve been off for almost four years. Here’s what I’m noticing:

    My body remembers everything. I lost a ton of squat strength, but for some reason, not a lot of arm strength. The movements themselves are still easier. I don’t feel like a newbie, just like I’m not conditioned. (Which is true, but I thought it would be worse when I’d been sedentary for so long.)

    Muscle size has rebounded quickly, just because of all the initial swelling/water retention/whatever. Especially in my arms, dude. It’s like my arms/shoulders were just waiting for the opportunity to go full gorilla mode again.

    I feel…less neurodivergent? better-regulated? when I’m lifting regularly. I think it’s because sore muscles give me a better sense of my body’s position in the world. Bad interoception can come along with a spicy brain. I’m sure it’s also all the neurochemicals produced while working out too.

    I AM EXHAUSTED. I only lift for 30-45 minutes every other day, but I go as heavy as I can manage with good form. It’s enough to leave me utterly slammed with fatigue. It would be okay if I didn’t have to be on top of my kids. It’s summer break, after all. I can’t nap all day! My 9yo decides I’ve gotten enough sleep at 8am and climbs on me!

    It’s extremely weird going to old gyms where I was accustomed to seeing myself as a size US 4 and now be a size US 16. Same place, same routine, completely different body. And my face is old! Covid aged me! But then I just have to lift really hard until I stop caring and it’s fine again. lol.

    Generally it’s been nice and I feel good and I just want to sleep all the time. I look forward to being able to powerlift heavier than I used to (gimme like six months, I was never very strong) and being an utter tank.

    June 24th

    I’m writing the first draft of a novel in a notebook. I write totally differently in each format (typing on computer, writing by hand, dictation) and handwriting is a slow less-detailed format that somehow feels zero commitment. It’s liberating.

    No idea how many words I’ve written. Can’t make much story progress in a sitting, so I think a lot between sessions. I’ll probably rewrite mostly from scratch when it’s time to type it. I’m not producing anything usable so it feels more fun and less work. I love getting to use pens.

    Dictating is a high-volume method of writing that is invariably messier — not just with transcription errors but because I use way more words when I talk vs type. I do much trimming/editing.

    I’m REALLY practiced writing by keyboard so that’s quick, most polished, and feels like actual work.

    I can dictate a shocking number of words. Like 4k an hour when I get on a roll. I haven’t been doing that much lately because I’m usually working on fantasy with crazy vocab that doesn’t transcribe well.

    My absolute max typing is 3k/hr (but usually 2k) and I would guess I hand write 1k/hr.

    Typing makes the most sense because it’s highest precision with good output, but it’s just not much fun tbh. Like I said…it feels like work.

    I don’t wanna feel committed to this book because I’m now editing Insomniac Cafe (horror satire) and planning to publish ‘Atop the Trees, Beneath the Mountains’ this year. I don’t need another project. But if I just handwrite an hour before bed each day, it doesn’t count! This one is in the same universe as Atop the Trees, but it’s in a different county, different characters, no direct relationship with ATTBTM. You know, like how Rylie used to have nothing to do with Elise. lol

    June 30th

    I’ve been trying to parse what has really changed about me the last ~4 years, aside from gaining a lot of weight and getting sober. I know those are significant things but kinda…don’t explain how different I feel?

    I realized it’s less need for external validation. I kept myself skinny in large part because I liked how being a skinny girl is cheat codes for people being nice to you, and I couldn’t handle people being mean/judgy; I believed all insults (I was also a fat teenager).

    Now I care so much less. I have more self-worth. I don’t *love* being insulted, but I have a vastly more solid idea of who I am, my value, etc – I feel stable. So being fat just doesn’t seem like a big deal anymore.

    That said, insecurity and a desire to prove myself motivated me to do SO MUCH. Now I don’t feel insecure or desirous of proving myself, so I’m generally way less motivated in every way. Like I don’t have a ton of motivation without fear. That’s kinda weird and I’m not sure what to make of it.

    July 8th

    Man, why is time so slippery? I’ve only had a couple days of editing left on this book for ages now. I really only need a few hours to myself. I can’t seem to find it, though.

    I’m basically never alone. NEVER. I use my minimal free time at the gym, but even then, I pop out for a 30 minute workout and then pop back because I am Needed.

    I know I used to have more time. I just can’t conceive HOW.

    It kinda feels like I can’t bear to tell my kids “no, sorry, I’m going to work on my books” because that feels selfish and not like actual work. It used to be actual work. Now it feels like I’m just depriving my babies. Who aren’t babies! They’re turning 10 and 14 in three months.

    They’re so interesting and pleasant and easy to be around, honestly. They also want ALL OF MY TIME. All of it.

    ~
    My dudes, it’s been 104F (40C) a couple days in a row here. Sometimes we get that in August, but it’s weird in July. I totally lose all desire to exist in weather that hot.

    Normally around here it’ll get 97/98 during the day, and then quickly cool into the 70s at night, but lately it’s been over 80 near unto midnight. When the heck do I walk my French bulldog? When do I walk MYSELF?

    I don’t even wanna go to the gym/store/whatever because going between Car and Building is such a drag.

    Luckily our AC is doing its job. Everything *else* in the house is breaking and we’re looking at a summer of five-figure House Fixing Stuff, but the AC is okay…at the moment. Fingers and toes crossed for us please. It’s nasty!

    The AQI hasn’t been good either, but only like 70-90 (we’ve gone off the charts in past fire seasons). Bits of California are burning, but we aren’t getting it all at the moment.

    What a summer, man!

    July 12th


    I love when someone on a local subreddit asks for the best tamales and all the answers are like, GPS locations and times. It’s like trying to find a spy hookup. You know, that one old lady who’s on the corner of x and y, over by z? on thursdays at 7:30pm and saturdays at 5pm but only when there’s a full moon. Get a whole bag of tamales. Tell her Jimbo sent you.

    July 14th

    on this summer break, my 9yo is giddy with the RAW POWER of having mommy at his disposal all the time. it’s like we’re connected by an umbilical cord again. we vibrate on the same wavelength a lot. it’s exhausting because i’m a complete introvert who can’t recharge at all unless i’m alone, and he never tires out. he’s so sweet though. so cuddly and silly and happy to Do Things With Me.

    i’ve enlisted him to help me exercise. i’ve been weight training at the gym but rejecting cardio (as always). i told him i wanted to do a jogging lap around our local park each day, and oh boy, he will not forget to make me do that.

    even though i haven’t had a lot of time to do Thinky Stuff (nor the energy!) i have been reading tons of comic books, which is also Very Nice. i love retro comics. and i am catching up on all episodes of Bluey, which is very cute and unexpectedly emotional. the weather finally dropped under highs of 100F so we’ve had a bit of rain.

    this ends in a couple weeks and i’ll be able to write/edit regularly again. i am looking forward to it. but also i’m gonna miss my little buddy when he’s back at school tbh.

    August 3rd

    I have a Very Lovely Friend visiting from England (she took this picture). I’ve been showing her all my usual haunts around Nevada, since everything Nevada is EXTREMELY weird compared to England. It’s also weird compared to most of America, but especially England.

    I haven’t been getting out much these past few years, though. I honestly haven’t been to places like Virginia City and Truckee in so long, it’s like another lifetime. What’s weirdest is how much I like it here?? I love Nevada???

    I love our wild horses, our haunted everything, our gnarly trees, our many cemeteries, our trashy signage, our charmingly dull museums. Dry hot weather is nice! The desert is beautiful. Finding random patches of vivid green where the creeks run is downright magical. It’s a pleasure showing it off. I’m like Nevada’s proud mom.

    Since I’ve also been muddying around in Death’s Hand again, I’m feeling very nostalgic. I swung by some places in Reno that appear in the book. It’s like visiting myself as a young adult.

    August 4th

    I was feeling pretty good about myself today. Then I was out walking, and some dude stopped his car to congratulate me on my pregnancy.

    I have not been pregnant in a freakin decade. I am just fat and on my period so very bloated.

    I’m actually a little bit leaner atm; I’ve been lifting and eating well. I’m on a slow downslide. Not really worrying about it. Just noticed my clothes are a tiny bit looser. But I have always gotten people asking me if I’m pregnant when I am not! Even when I was at my skinniest, I got that. When I was 19, I got that. It’s just how I store fat. I have a stomach. I am an apple. HE STOPPED A CAR TO SAY THIS TO ME. kms

    August 6th


    I finally watched The VVitch. To answer the goat’s question, yes. I would love some butter and a naked dance party with my friends in the forest.

    August 9th

    13yo: you remind me CONSTANTLY that I am a teenager

    Me: bc I’m shocked that a mother of teenagers can be as cool as me. I’m so sigma. Sticking my gyatt out for the rizzler while he mews at me.

    13yo: mother.

    Me: OHIOOOOOOOOOO

    ~

    Weird dream last night. It was a continuation of a recurring dream theme I have: there is another house under my house (or a house i’m thinking about buying). Somewhere in the home there is another stairwell, and if you go down that stairwell, there will be another house with more stairs leading down. The deeper you go, the worse it gets.

    For whatever reason, all my extended family were trying to live with me in my current house. It was very full. So I said, “Hey, there’s actually another house under my house! If we clean it up, we’ll have room for everyone!”

    So I headed down with a few sturdy guys. My husband had blocked off the stairs for our safety, but it was easy to open, and the first stairs were so much shorter than they should have been — like it wanted us down there.

    It was exactly like I remembered. Just kind of a dim, grungy house that looked real dirty down there. Living room, kitchen, doors to bathroom and bedrooms. I started opening doors to show everyone it wasn’t a normal house. “See all the blood stains?” I asked. “See the windows that don’t go anywhere because we’re underground?”

    The doors tried to close behind us, but I held mine open, and I told everyone to keep them held open.

    “Don’t let it trap us!” I warned. “We’ve just gotta clean it up!”

    Nobody listened of course, so we got stuck. More stairways leading down appeared. When we went into rooms, they got bigger and scarier. More blood stains. More rust. Dolls everywhere. The dolls were moving! They were growing hair out of their noses! The windows were bleeding!

    The party I brought down to clean up the house started freaking, and I was getting REAL MAD about it.

    “This isn’t hell! It’s just my basement!” I said.

    All the hairy-nose dolls rolled their eyes back and started repeating me: “This isn’t hell. It’s just my basement.”

    And then I woke up.

    Weirdest part? It wasn’t a nightmare. I wasn’t actually scared at any point. I was just SUPER annoyed because I OWN THAT BASEMENT, dammit, and I can clean it up to share with family IF I WANT TO.

    August 14th

    I got to pet six dogs today. Three were puppies. IT WAS A GOOD DAY.
    (I also pet my two dogs, of course. So eight total.)

    Y’all I am having just such a nice harvest this year. My neighborhood grows all sorts of fruit on common lands; we already passed plum and cherry season, but now it’s grapes, raspberries, and blackberries. Apples and pears are still plumping up. Acorns will drop soon. Evening primrose seeds are coming.

    Every time I go on a walk, I get to snack as I go along. It’s incredible. My arms are all scraped up from the blackberry bush and I ~don’t even care~

    Combined with cooling temperatures, adorable dogs, and my children actually being amenable to taking long walks with me, I’m just in heaven.

    August 15th

    Thirty-six years old and I am shaving my chin area on most days. What is up with that? Who gave my body permission to grow the most pathetic semi-beard in existence?

    I’m telling you, I have gotten another hair somewhere weird every year since I turned 30. I get like two hairs on my left boob. Not righty (Fieghan), just lefty (Ewan). I am a boob and chin shaver. I just don’t think it’s FAIR.

    ~

    I took my electric scooter for its first real ride today. I am not good at balancing! It’s sort of funny how sometimes I step on, and I have no trouble staying upright, but I’ll also sometimes step on and wobble straight into the gutter.
    Ducking under low-hanging branches is beyond my balancing ability (for now) so I usually just brake and step off until I pass the trees. But I didn’t realize my scooter has cruise control. At one point it activated.
    So I tried to just step off to go under a tree…and the scooter kept going…and it pulled me ass over teakettle. I rolled quite a distance.
    My palm is now bruised and my knee is skinned. I was wearing a helmet, but I didn’t land on my head. Maybe I should be wearing kneepads too???

    I am 100% okay (wrist is a little hurty) and it’s actually kind of fun to fall down. Adrenaline is fun! It won’t stop me from continuing to ride. I think electric scooters are the perfect transportation around town, since I live in the middle of deep suburbia and everything is like two miles away to start. No need to get in a car. Just step on the thing and zoooooom (and make sure cruise control isn’t going when I step off)

  • A vampire bride sexily intimidates Jonny Lee Miller. credit: Miramax Films
    movie reviews

    Movie Review: Dracula 2000 (2000) *****

    “Presented” by Wes Craven and directed by Patrick Lussier, the Craven-esque playful style of horror is a huge boon to this Y2K take on Dracula. It’s drenched in Millennium aesthetic and design choices: everyone is young and hot, Dracula wanders around shirtlessly, and there are plenty of gooshy bloody deaths. Imagine a then-modern Dracula done in the style of Scream or Final Destination, and you’ve got Dracula 2000.

    It’s not a complicated plot. Dracula comes back, as always, and he’s out for all the babes. He acquires some vampire wives. He kills a lot of people. Van Helsing and company have to kill him. It’s not twisty at all, even with its especially Catholic backstory for Dracula.

    Every actor you ever watched at the turn of the century is in this movie. As my personal favorite: Jonny Lee Miller is a darling 20-something protege of an immortal, Drac-blood-addicted Van Helsing (Christopher Plummer). I’m most familiar with Miller as Sherlock in the fabulous tv show Elementary, so seeing him as an earnest thick-necked Harker-alike is absolutely darling. He’s so clean compared to Trainspotting and so unrestrained compared to Elementary. He actually kind of passes as a twinky love interest.

    But the most heart-throbby character is, of course, Dracula himself. Before becoming Phantom of the Opera, Gerard Butler chews scenery and floats on vapor. He has no idea he’s in a cheesy 2000 vampire movie; he actually acts the hell out of the screenplay with his whole Dracussy. I felt like I was watching a cinematic explanation for the reason that Millennial women all want villain- and monster-loving romances these days. Sure, he kills everybody, but he also bangs babes on the ceiling. His only direct competition for Y2K New Orleans Vampire is Stuart Townsend in Queen of the Damned, and I confess Butler is hotter than Townsend (although Queen of the Damned is still my favorite).

    You ready for the rest of the cast list? Check it out: Vitamin C (seriously), Omar Epps, Sean Patrick Thomas, Danny Masterson, Jeri Ryan, Shane West, Nathan Fillion, and Jennifer Esposito. Every other scene made me sit up and say, “Hey! That guy!”

    If there were an actual God, Jeri Ryan, Vitamin C, and Jennifer Esposito would be MY vampire wives.

    If you like Y2K-era slashers, you’ll love Dracula 2000. The shallowness and easy-to-watch plot are features, not bugs. Lussier knows exactly what he’s doing. He dials it in just right to have a great time. It’s not remotely scary, the sex is brief and inexplicit, and the gore is mostly limited to a lot of red-hued chocolate syrup; I might argue this is actually one of the better vampire movies to watch with the family. Maybe you should watch it as a double feature with Jesus Christ Superstar. Just saying.

    (image credit: Miramax Films)