Love Actually (credit: Universal Pictures)

Review: Love Actually (2003) **

I think we’ve all agreed at this point that Love Actually isn’t a good movie, but hopefully we can agree it’s kind of a great movie. If I were to edit it to suit specifically my preferences, these are the parts of each story I would chuck or keep:

Hans Gruber Cheats on His Wife

This whole story goes in the bin.

The Writer & The Housekeeper
The cheating ex-wife goes in the bin. After that, everything except the mean jokes about the woman’s sister can stay.

Liam Neeson & His (Step-)Kid
In the bin.

Rodrigo Santoro & The Adorable Office Lady

Everything stays up until the moment she picks up the phone the second time. We assume that her brother has sufficient care at his home, and that she has healthy boundaries, and that she nails Rodrigo Santoro. good for you, adorable office lady.

Teenage Kiera Knightley and Her Stalker
Everything the bin, except perhaps one quick shot of the breasts covered in tiny santa hats, as well as the “to me, you are perfect” sign, cropped to exclude the holder, and moved directly after the Prime Minister’s dance scene.

The Prime Minister & His Assistant
The Prime Minister’s dance scene – with zero other context included. Everything else in the bin.

The Actor Stand-Ins, Colin Frizzle, and Billy
Every second: no cuts, no comments.

Image credit: Universal Pictures

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