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    Punxsutawny Says Spring

    Posted on 2/2/24. Facebook.

    I am so obsessed with 9yo Sunshine’s energy and confidence. I found a school paper that he graded for himself. He only spelled 2 out of 8 words correctly. He graded himself with an “F+” and then wrote “bad but still good” next to it. He can’t even fail himself without getting cheerful about it. He invented F-plus! lmao

    He’s got a little speech about how nobody is perfect, which means he cannot be perfect, but to him that seems to mean that being 70% awesome is actually 100% awesome and the other 30% is just inevitable humanity.

    I had really really awful self-esteem for most of my life. I felt absolutely radioactive until I met my spouse, and even then it took over a decade to genuinely internalize my self-worth. I don’t think Sunshine’s ever going to deal with that. It’s a massive relief, and also extremely charming.

    (I spelled perfectly at his age, fyi, and got 100% regularly, and I was an absolute wreck disaster human. I prefer bad grades from a happy kid than good grades from a miserable kid.)


    Posted on 2/3/24. Facebook.

    You know what’s funny? My older sibling tells me that I was the first in the family to “come out,” but I have zero recollection of it. Apparently I formally told my mom that I liked girls before my siblings did. (I’m the youngest.) I declared myself bisexual.

    I don’t even know that I’m bisexual now, lmao. My younger, forgotten self was so confident. I got crushes on girls and boys and That Was That.

    It was probably so unremarkable because I wasn’t afraid of my mom’s reaction. I DO remember her telling me that she would always love me, no matter who I loved. I was very young in this memory. I think we were playing with Barbies. I was probably doing something weird and gross and unselfaware, like making my mom watch two Barbies scissor. Parents know! Kids can’t hide for crap.

    This is odd to me, I guess, because my sibling is transgender and I’ve always just thought of them as The Queer One, placing them up on a rainbow pedestal in my heart. They are the one who asked for different pronouns; they are the one who made it clear their bio-sex was not just wrong, but an uncomfortable fit; they crashed against homophobia all the time just for existing. I advocate for them at the doctor’s office and step in to enforce proper pronoun usage with other people and do whatever I can to protect my sibling’s right to be themself.

    I take my own queerness for granted because I camouflage. I’ve dated women, but I’m married to someone AMAB with a beard; I married him wearing white and we made babies together. Neither of us tell anyone IRL that neither of us consider our genders to align with our sexes. Not that we’re hiding. It just seems irrelevant, and anyway, nobody seems to understand if we try to explain it. I think you can only start to grasp exactly what a gay relationship we have after spending a while with the two of us. Sometimes we are like a sapphic relationship, both of us women. Sometimes we are gay as fuck, like two dudes. We virtually never fall into m/f style roles, except by accident. Our fluid gender identities are part of our couple identity, too.

    My beloved sibling calls me Woman+ in terms of gender. I like being a woman. I am not only a woman. If gender identities could be written down like states on the map of America, my location would not be a dot like a state capital, but a blob of weather that encompasses the entire west coast with fingers across the northeastern seaboard. I am a woman in the most basic of ways, and then something happens and you’re suddenly hanging out with a Reddit neckbeard who talks like gay Dane Cook.

    I am most often a man in romantic situations with women; I’m a gay man with men; I am jarred and confused when I meet men and they treat me like a ~woman instead of a masculine peer. But in social situations with women, I’m a woman. I also definitely do not want to look androgynous. I want to look feminine, but get received as a man. I feel silly trying to explain the amorphous boundaries of my gender. Like, nobody’s even gonna take me seriously. Why bother? People don’t think my climate is even real. “All women feel like that,” say people who have no idea what I’m talking about.

    So I just don’t bother, really. I’m just Queer and that’s that. But somehow, when I was young, at a time I don’t even remember, I knew that I was bisexual enough to announce it and then forget about it, and I think that is SO INTERESTING. Some critical piece of personal history I’ve got no memory for.


    Posted on 2/5/24. Facebook.

    I’m on day 10(?) without weed. I’ve been having emotions all day and haven’t wanted to relapse. I started *really* over-using when my first cat died, so it’s a testament to the coping skills I’ve been working on.

    I’m still not very thinky. A lot of the fog from weed has passed, but my emotions are very surface and it’s taking a lot of effort to write anything that makes sense. (Which you might not be able to tell by the amount of posts I make…lol)

    The main thing I’m doing to pass the time is hanging out on sobriety support forums to talk with people. I always find congregate therapy settings valuable. I’m not doing stuff IRL right now, but online is basically as good.
    Mostly people in group therapy need validation, and peer validation is really effective. There’s really nothing so loving as a recovery group. And I’ve made it so that if I feel a craving, I just…go online and talk to people about how to manage cravings.

    I am extremely sad and crying a lot because of my cat, and all the associated feelings, but I also feel really healthy about it so that’s good I guess.

    Thank you to everyone who has been sharing love and support. It means a lot to me.

    ~

    King Charles has been diagnosed with cancer after his prostate surgery. They haven’t released details on his prognosis, but it is serious enough that his estranged son is flying out to visit.

    I think it’s interesting that this does somehow align with Nostradamus’s predictions, if you squint. Here’s the relevant quatrain, which some have read to mean King Charles:

    Because they disapproved of his divorce
    A man who later they considered unworthy
    The People will force out the King of the islands
    A Man will replace who never expected to be king

    So…if you squint.

    I don’t hold any opinion on Nostradamus because I am currently in flux (kind of in the “I have no idea what I believe about anything” place) but this has often been read to mean that Charles would be unpopular, abdicate, and someone not-William would inherit.

    Interestingly, Prince William has been saying things that indicate he *isn’t* interested in the traditional monarchy, including being head of the Church of England. But he has also shown signs he would like to take over for his father on his own terms.

    I don’t think Prince William’s personality would permit him to willingly step aside, though. There were whispered rumors of William & Kate divorcing – which would be unpopular after her hospitalization – so Nostradamus’s quatrain could also potentially apply to Wills.

    Or it could all be UTTER NONSENSE and it’s just interesting to watch history happening in real time and we could probably bend/stretch/squeeze this prophecy to fit *literally anyone*. I mean, if the new King of Denmark divorced his wife (who would probably be happy to escape the dude), this could also apply to them. yk? and the monarchy in Denmark has been “slimmed down” so I could imagine odd succession happening there.

    I truly cannot imagine a likely scenario that would lead to King Harry and Queen Meghan, but you’re going to see people talking about this a lot in the weeks to come anyway, and this quatrain is a significant reason why.


    Posted on 2/6/24. Bluesky.

    freestyling about how much i love my nebulizer while assembling a new mouthpiece

    i love my nebulizer
    love a bronchiodilator
    iprutropium bromide for
    making me breathe more
    yeah
    take my albuterol now
    like i’m a boss who breathes now
    yeah

    …sorry i’ll stop


    Posted on 2/8/24. TSFKA Twitter.

    i wasn’t going to see dune 2 in the theater because i’m a fussy bitch about splitting movies into episodes released years apart (how dare). but. the dune 2 popcorn bucket is gonna make me do it. and i’m mad that i’m this cheap. stupid dune 2 popcorn bucket.


    Posted on 2/9/24. Bluesky.

    New cat owners are so funny. I keep coming across posts where people are like “what’s wrong with my cat? It will push everything off my lap and climb on my face and never stops rubbing on me and meows at me every time I move.”

    It’s love. Your cat loves you. Lmao

    The more annoying a cat is, the more they love you. Rub them and talk to them in a baby voice. Accept your servitude. Your lap is theirs. This is why you got a cat.

    “Why does this cat purr the instant he sees me even if I’m not doing anything?”

    YOUR CAT LOVES YOU, this is supposed to happen! I think new cat owners expect their cats to be aloof, sort of decorative, and just aren’t ready for the fact cats are clingy little weirdos (which is why I love em)


    Posted on 2/11/24. Facebook.

    Two weeks sober now. Woo woo! Mostly unremarkable. However, I spent the last few years only having one kind of dream (travel dreams), and now I’m having all sorts of bizarre dreams.

    Like I dreamed about having four boyfriends last night. Four BOYfriends. Wtf is my brain even thinking?
    ~

    (I am definitely also attracted to men; I just have way more exacting standards and don’t trust dudes easily, so the idea of finding four men I’d bang at once is ridiculous to me! OTOH if four women were like “join us Sara” I wouldn’t have enough a brain to even ask questions.)

    ~

    I was finally honest with myself and bought MARRY ME with Jennifer Lopez and Owen Wilson. I didn’t think it was a very good movie the first time I watched it. It’s all I want to watch right now, and frankly Jennifer Lopez romcoms are all I want to watch about 60% of my waking hours.

    When I say “Jennifer Lopez romcoms” I do in fact mostly mean THE CELL (2000). It’s a romcom between JLo and ME.

  • image credit: Universal Pictures
    movie reviews

    Movie Review: Marry Me (2022) ****

    In Marry Me, a pair of characters best compared to IRL Jennifer Lopez and Bad Bunny agree to get married on stage during a concert, but the dude popstar turns out to be a cheater, so Character JLo marries an audience member on a whim because he’s holding a “Marry Me” sign. Much to her benefit, this audience member turns out to be Owen Wilson, who is very good at “I’m in love with this woman”-face.

    As it turns out, Owen Wilson is a humble single dad math teacher. He respects the hell out of JLo’s character. He’s one of the nicest romcom heroes, and I just always love nice dad heroes. The match-up between a fabulous globe-trotting pop star and the Extremely Common Dude creates plenty of insecurity between them. Of course it all works out nicely.

    That said, I was not terribly impressed the first time I watched Marry Me. I’d have probably given it a knee-jerk two stars of “what is this crap?” This was my first rewatch since release two years ago, and I loved it a lot more.

    In the intervening years, I’ve watched a ton of romcoms, high and low budget. I also watched a movie with a similar hero/heroine duo, but at Christmastime, and with Freddie Prinze Junior: Christmas With You. I gave that one five stars because I was in *such* a Christmas romcom mood and it made me so happy. Marry Me isn’t quite as much of a happy-glow vibe for me, but it’s also way better than two stars now that I can compare it to many more flicks in the genre.

    Where Marry Me works, it works very well. I like JLo romcoms because she puts her whole doe-eyed heart into them. She has outstanding chemistry with Owen Wilson (kachow!). I believe that both of them have reasonable motivations to make a sincere effort to have a successful marriage with a stranger from disparate life circumstances.

    This movie also features young Chloe Coleman as Lou, the daughter. You might recognize her from Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves as Chris Pine’s adorable daughter. This lass has enormous talent, and she’s been exercising it since she started in 2013, locking in thirty roles on IMDB. Can you imagine a career starting on Glee and crossing through “daughter of Captain Kirk and Lightning McQueen” before you’re an adult? Although I *always* worry about kids working so much, I’m also impressed when kid actors are good enough to meet (possibly exceed) the abilities of the adults surrounding them.

    The casting in general is notable for a romcom that feels a bit Hallmarky. Sarah Silverman gets to be the chaotic lesbian best friend, Samwell from Westeros is the manager guy for JLo, Maluma played Bad Bunny* (*not really), and Jameela Jamil even shows up for a minute with hardly a single pomp OR a circumstance. I was just looking at the casting for JLo’s upcoming music video movie, and it’s got an even more stacked cast list, so I’m thinking JLo has a lot of famous friends?

    On a less glowing note, the setup stretched credulity a *little* too far. The whole wedding flipperoo early on still just feels extremely contrived to put these people together. I wouldn’t mind if the movie’s energy went a little harder in general–more stylized, more silly, more *something*. Matching the extreme sincerity of JLo’s interest in the “I still have hope for love” narrative (which is charming) with this concert wedding that suddenly involves a total stranger just doesn’t quite work for me personally. But I bet that’s the element that makes this a perfect fantasy for someone.

    The soundtrack is solid if you like pop music, the chemistry and performances are worth the price of admission, and I genuinely enjoy every single look JLo’s character wears in Marry Me. I’m glad I spent eight bucks to buy this one because I know I’m going to keep rewatching it when my brain doesn’t want to brain and I just want to say “Wowwwww, kachow!” every time Owen Wilson is on screen.

    Okay, but now let’s imagine that the “Hansel” theme played when Owen Wilson went on stage to marry JLo. That would have made this a six star movie, bare minimum.

    (image credit: Universal Pictures)

  • White text on green background that reads: "Rory's 2023: Video games".
    Uncategorized

    Rory’s 2023: Video games

    I don’t track my video games super closely, but I’m playing them a ton, so here’s some quick notes cobbled from memory and my Steam Year in Review!

    Non-Steam highlights

    1. Fortnite Battle Royale (and one random Creative level I spammed for XP): I gave up on the game right before they did a reboot, but it’s impossible to talk about me gaming in 2023 and not bring it up. I loved playing with a squad and the battle pass system, if not the microtransactions baked into the whole thing.

    2. FTL and Into the Breach: I got these through free Epic Games claims years ago and clicked with them in 2023. (I then bought them in Steam so I could do the achievements there, and so I could throw Subset Games a couple bucks.) FTL is a great game, but a bit outside of my comfort/skill level? Into the Breach is way more playable.

    3. Starfield: I played this through Xbox…or I tried, anyway. I gave it about twenty hours of fighting glitches and general problems before giving up. Maybe I’ll try it again in five years, after the modding community’s had some real time with it.

    4. Vampire Survivors: I’ve never not had a big year with Vampire Survivors since it came out, but I got it on Switch for the first time in 2023 and got to play co-op with family members! In regards to the Steam version, I also got the Among Us DLC at the end of the year and was somewhat underwhelmed…for Vampire Survivors, which meant I still liked it better than most existing games.

    5. Storyteller: Did you know that Netflix has app games on mobile? I’m not sure I recommend it because a lot of the games are available through other means, but I got to play Storyteller for the first time through there, and it’s a great play with a touchscreen. And it’s quick! If you have a quiet weekend and don’t know what to do with it, Storyteller’s a great choice for simple puzzles in a fairy-tale style.

    6. The Sims 4: I wish I could quit this expensive, buggy mess. Alas, I love it. Growing Together was a great release, I liked the new lot type in For Rent, and I’ve used build items in Horse Ranch basically since day one. Maybe one day, I’ll finish a 100 baby challenge, but 2023 was not that year.

    Steam highlights

    1. Cookie Clicker: I went on an achievement-hunting tear in the later part of 2023, and I’m sure I’ll be picking up a couple throughout 2024 as well. 505 achievements earned in 2023 while only playing Oct-Dec!

    2. Super Life RPG: I got completely blindsided by this one. It ate my life Feb-Apr until I forced myself to stop playing.

    3. Star Wars Jedi Survivor: Made Starfield look downright functional, but I loved the story and love the characters, so I don’t regret playing it. I do regret paying day-one prices for it. I might go back later and see if it plays any better; it would be fun to hunt achievements.

    4. Oxenfree II: Lost Signals: The ambiance of this series is unmatched. I think I liked the first game better, and I wish I’d known going in that there were multiple possible endings, but it was overall a worthwhile sequel to a very good game.

    5. Payday 2: A deeply silly game of cops and robbers where you play as the robbers. The over-the-top slapsticky quality, combined with a generously low easy mode, is the real winner here. Definitely not free of stereotypes and bigotry, but it’s nowhere near the level of, say, a Grand Theft Auto. (I also tried Payday 3 through Xbox, which was serious and harder. No thanks.)

    6. Don’t Scream: I watched a Let’s Play of this and bought it nearly instantly; the realistic found-footage look is fantastic. This is still definitely an early-access game, though—I didn’t get a lot of the scares that the Let’s Play had—and it seems like the development is going to get bigger going forward. I’ll definitely be revisiting it in Halloween season this year.

    7. Graveyard Keeper: A cozy-style game with a darker aesthetic. Think Stardew Valley with graves. I found the learning curve very steep, but I will definitely be jumping in again when I get the cozy-game itch (and if I’m not playing Stardew Valley or this year’s early winners, Coral Island and Immortal Life).

    8. Baldur’s Gate 3: I feel like the toe I dipped in here in December was a prologue for gaming in 2024. I played some twenty hours, much of it co-op, and felt like I barely scratched the surface of a behemoth. My deepest wish for 2024 is to get a quiet week and just dive in. Maybe late winter!

    Steam stats (from Jan 1 through Dec 14)

    -40 games played, 769 achievements earned
    -New releases got 15% playtime, games over 8 years old got 19% playtime, games 1-7 years old got 66% playtime
    -November was my busiest month, with 32% of my gameplay for the year
    -I played 12% of the time with a controller

  • image credit: Disney
    movie reviews

    Movie Review: The Marvels (2023) ****

    Hey, I didn’t hate this one!

    Long before I started forming (only slightly) more cogent movie opinions, my rule for answering “Is this movie any good?” was based upon whether or not it bores me. If I wasn’t bored watching a movie, it was Good Enough.

    By 35-year-old Sara standards, The Marvels wasn’t really any good. The story was nigh incoherent. The stakes were flimsy. The movie did not take its own central drama seriously.

    But I was Not Bored in a very pleasant way for most of The Marvels after the first twenty minutes or so, which means there is a solid hourish of watchable movie there. You can’t have any expectations for Actual Plot because, again, flimsy and incoherent. Let me tell you a little secret about American cape comics though: The writing is almost never the strong suit anyway. I don’t really care when Marvel movies are badly written. I’m willing to meet them on their level, like The Eternals.

    What I hope to get is gonzo, Golden Age nonsense, and The Marvels delivered with alien kittens devouring people. Why is there a planet where people have to sing to understand each other? Who freakin cares. Did you notice that Kamala is dancing the whole time? It’s adorable. I want Captain Marvel’s dress. The graphics are pretty. Teyonah Parris. There’s just so much to speak for it.

    Really, I’m mostly here for Baby Lesbian Kamala, who surely leaves The Marvels with a whole lotta brand-new confusing fetishes for violent mommies. I have never seen more of a Flop-Sweat Lesbian Panic than the moment where Kamala realizes that Captain Marvel was actually in her bedroom. That’s how I would feel if Brie Larson showed up in my house too. Kamala has so many fan-drawings of herself hugging/helping/living a beautiful life with Captain Marvel, and I relate so strongly.

    There’s no heterosexual explanation for anything happening with Captain Marvel. She doesn’t have to grapple the generic hot mommy villain so intimately, but she does, and bless her heart for it. There’s no denying Captain Marvel is Monica’s lesbian mommy and they can’t reconcile missing Captain Marvel’s wife. You just can’t!

    Only a lesbian would look at the prince of the magical singing ocean planet and think, “Yeah, let’s make this a marriage of convenience rather than hanging out to rail this hot guy wearing this beautiful dress.”

    Only a lesbian would have this much of her hero arc based upon the activity of an orange cat. If you read that sentence and thought, “But I’m not a lesbian and I’d have a hero arc based on an orange cat?” then you’re a lesbian. I don’t make the rules.

    Baby Lesbian Kamala’s family is also a very sparkling highlight of the movie, much with the family in Blue Beetle, and I was happy to see them even if they got better writing on Kamala’s show. I also really enjoyed Samuel L. Jackson’s commitment to enjoying himself throughout the film. This man is tired of taking life seriously, and I enjoyed the haze of compersion from watching Nick Fury ham it up alongside kittens, family, and my sweet flaw-free niece Kamala.

    This whole thing is really a rollicking good time for families, if you ask me. I rewound the scene with the kittens eating people twice to show my kids. I’ll probably make my spouse watch this later because I think he’ll also love Kamala and kittens. Kamala, kittens, and “this one is for the girls and gays” as an overwhelming priority makes this one of the most tolerable MCU entries I’ve watched since the Kamala show.

    (image credit: Disney)

  • White text on a blue background that reads "Rory's 2023: Books".
    Uncategorized

    Rory’s 2023: Books

    Like with film, all my book tracking goes in one place (follow me on Storygraph!). Unlike with film, I don’t do a lot of reading specific to the release year, so this is a general look back at the books released in any year I read during 2023. But I think my stats got messed up somewhere; despite doing the large majority of my reading digitally, print seems to have won the pie chart, and apparently I read 6000 pages in June? Either way, there are some general trends to coax out.

    General stats

    1. First book finished in 2023 was a reread of Anne Rice’s The Witching Hour. Last book finished was a first read of Lee Lai’s wonderful graphic novel Stone Fruit.

    2. My biggest genre of the year was LGBTQIA+, aided largely by access through Libby to Queer Liberation Library, although my local library has some decent offerings in that direction as well. My second biggest genre was graphic novels. I’m sure the overlap between the two genres was not small.

    If I wanted to give a quick genre overview, I would go with queer, graphic novel, SFFH, memoir, pop culture. Most of my reads in 2023 are two or more of these put together. I think YA and middle grade also show up a lot in my reads, but that’s less personal preference and more because queer lit and graphic novels (and both put together) tend to have a lot of overlap within those age ranges.

    3. My most-read author of the year was Alice Oseman, with nine books. I believe that’s five Heartstopper volumes and four stand-alone novels (Loveless, Radio Silence, I Was Born For This, and Nick and Charlie).

    4. There’s a pie chart to reflect the moods of the stories I read, which is fun to see, but three moods take up about half the chart: emotional, reflective, and lighthearted. 2023 was a transitional year, after a couple years doing the large share of my reading through audiobooks. Going with a lighter mood and reading a lot of graphic novels makes sense in this context.

    This also extends to pace, which is largely medium (49%) and fast (42%), and page number, where books fewer than 300 pages (64%) won the day.

    5. I largely read fiction in 2023 at 76%.

    Honorable mentions

    -I Think Our Son is Gay 1-4: A manga series from the point of view of a mother watching her eldest son on a journey of self-discovery in his high-school years. It’s such a kind series, both for the son and his mother, and highlights one of elements of being an adult that I find joy in: watching younger people’s specific journey through life.

    -It Came From the Closet: Queer Reflections on Horror: Great anthology of essays tying lived queer experience to horror movies. For better or worse, horror is often better at reflecting marginalized experience than other genres, and even when I hadn’t seen the movie in question, I resonated with a lot of the essays here. (Definitely look up content warnings if this sounds good, though.)

    -Hi Honey, I’m Homo!: Matt Baume’s excellent look at US queer rights through mainstream Hollywood sitcoms. If you’re a member of my Patreon, you can see a list of Baume’s video essays you can watch without the book here, but I recommend his YouTube channel as a whole.

    -Pregnant Butch: Nine Long Months Spent in Drag: This comic’s look at pregnancy, queerness, and gender feels like a window into queerness of the past in so many ways, and a massively useful one.

    -Taste: My Life Through Food: This was a good year for me and celebrity memoir, to the point where this would have probably made the top ten in another year. Stanley Tucci painted a lovely picture of the stages of his life through food (or the lack thereof; he had mouth cancer that limited his ability to eat at the end of the narrative). Definitely one to listen to in audiobook form.

    -Pageboy: Another celebrity memoir (from Elliot Page) that would have made it to the top ten in a different year. If you’ve ever wondered what gender dysphoria is like, read this.

    -Where Are Your Boys Tonight?: The Oral History of Emo’s Mainstream: I’ve been a longtime fan of My Chemical Romance, and I’ve made friends with a lot of people by piecing together stories of the band through video and magazine interviews. This book filled in a lot of holes for them (and other bands of interest) while ignoring other spots in favor of dry business analysis. Didn’t super enjoy those last bits, but still, very useful to me personally.

    -The Magic Fish: Trung Le Nguyen’s graphic novel blended fairy-tale elements and reality beautifully. I’m putting the book on my to-buy list because I loved the art so much!

    -Normal People: I read this so I could watch the miniseries that went along with it…and I never got to the miniseries because I kept thinking about how much I liked the book. Note to self: look up more contemporary Irish lit.

    Top ten

    10. Stone Fruit by Lee Lai: As mentioned above, this was my last book of the year, and it was wonderful. Beautiful ink-wash look; resonant story about when to stay connected to family despite messiness and when to disconnect. I love the metaphoric imagery of letting loose when you’re with your young relatives.

    9. Loveless by Alice Oseman: Good coming-of-age story featuring a character discovering her aromantic and asexual identities, and how your friends can be the primary focus in your life. The UK university setting made the story feel more alive to me.

    8. The Woman in Me by Britney Spears: Kudos to a celebrity and their ghostwriter for writing a harrowing memoir with gothic elements (part one). The language in this was simple, and the narrative moved briskly, which is exactly what something this dark needed. I’ve followed Britney’s life and career somewhat, and I was still surprised by some of what happened in this.

    7. Spare by Prince Harry: Kudos to a celebrity and their ghostwriter for writing a harrowing memoir with gothic elements (part two). I rec the ghostwriter’s perspective on cowriting the memoir and the aftermath, too. Claustrophobic read; I can only imagine how much more claustrophobic the reality was (and still is).

    6. Babel by R.F. Kuang: It seems to be a bit of a trend right now to set fantasy in real-life Western universities (I have Leigh Bardugo’s Hell Bent on my to-read list, after failing to read it while I had it checked out in January). Babel’s historical fantasy is set in Oxford and uses translation magic as metaphor for the abuses of white imperialism. Big tear-it-all-down mood.

    5. Burn it Down by Maureen Ryan: Read this toward the beginning of the WGA strike in the summer, and it was a perfect time to do it. While Burn It down covers a lot of the toxicity in Hollywood from multiple direction, it had a heavy focus on TV writers’ rooms. Even though both the WGA and SAG-AFTRA strikes have ended, we’re gonna feel their impacts on media for the next couple years, so I rec this book for a perspective on why things need a shake-up.

    4. Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner: Intense memoir about culture, food, and the death of a parent. I cried buckets over it, as I will cry at the movie adaptation that is in development if it gets made. This is also a celebrity memoir, as Michelle Zauner is part of Japanese Breakfast, but it’s very different in tone from the other two on the list.

    3. Dark Heir by C.S. Pacat: I read both books in the series (so far) this year, and I’m still not sure if I liked the first one, which felt more like a setup for its ending than a story on its own. I have no such reservations about Dark Heir, which I read in a four-hour burst. Its use of reincarnation and magic in existing systems as metaphor for generational trauma is fantastic.

    2. Madly, Deeply: The Diaries of Alan Rickman by Alan Rickman: As someone who has a hard time journaling consistently, saying “this book got me to journal for months in 2023” sums up my experience reading it. A good look at an actor I admire obviously trying to work through life and better himself, without shrinking away from his flaws. My only regret is that this was published posthumously because it means he couldn’t read the audiobook. I did listen to the audiobook, though, and the narrator does a good job with a dry British tone, even if it isn’t the specific Alan Rickman flavor.

    1. This is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone: The summary is relatively straightforward – epistolary time-travel novella with agents on two opposing sides falling in love. But the experience of reading (or listening, as I did, which I do rec) is rich and complex while still being extremely familiar. Thanks, Bigolas Dickolas Wolfwood!

  • Diaries,  slice of life

    Annie (2008 – 2024)

    I resent that other people have emotions. That they have weight. I resent that other people must need to take space during a time when I cannot hold the weight of my own emotions. I wish I didn’t have to be a mother when I’m very sad. I wish other people would be fine without me. I wish I could just fall into the donut hole of myself and stay there until I feel better. Once the weight becomes not so smothering.

    ~

    Sixteen years ago I got a kitten. She came from a box behind a grocery store. She was riddled with mites and ticks. We took care of her very closely, our first medically complicated mammal-friend.

    She grew up so loving that it was annoying. She couldn’t take no for an answer. I tried to give her to my sister so I wouldn’t have to keep dealing with that tortoiseshell attitude, but at the last moment, I got way too sad. I loved her much more than I recognized.

    So she stayed.

    ~

    I don’t want to remember everything because it just makes me feel sad.

    ~

    The cost of loving very, very much is hurting very, very much when something ends. And everything ends eventually. You know you’ve been lucky if it hurts a lot.

    They say that our little mammal-friends give us the best years of our life, and then the single worst day of our lives.

    ~

    This is the last of the cats my husband and I had before we got married. She was a little box baby found in a Walmart parking lot. We nurtured her through ear mites and ticks and watched her grow into the biggest personality. After I had Moonlight, thirteen years ago, little Miss Annie ate one of their baby bottle nipples and needed $3000 surgery to remove it. I spent a while calling her the other things I could have used that money for. “Little Miss Caribbean Vacation.” “Little Miss Used Car.”

    When Little Sunshine was born, Annie used to curl up in bed with both of us and lick the baby’s head. She would put him down for naps like that. When he went through the grabby baby hand stage, she loved it and would position herself so that he could squeeze her face.

    We chose not to remove a tumor that developed on her shoulder. It grew very aggressively, and she couldn’t compete with her siblings for food/water anymore, so we gave her the entire spare bedroom as an apartment. It helped her perk up a ton. She spent her last year in there getting multiple daily visits, where I would groom and tend her, and we would snuggle extensively. I loved her more in this last year than I have ever loved a cat. Something about taking care of someone who is sick becomes so intimate.

    Her tumor became so large, it really bothered her. She seemed worn out. I made a little sweater for her with a webbing inside to hold crocheted cotton bandages, that way we could cover the tumor and the kids could still visit. But she was so tired. It was time. I miss her already.

    ~

    There is no dying without regret. It’s one of the things that makes it so hard. You can’t do it perfectly. It’s like how you can make a birth plan when you’re pregnant, listing out all your preferences, but your body and baby will decide how it happens. Death never comes at the right time. It’s never pretty. It is hard and unpleasant.

    ~

    I do think we will meet again someday, somehow, in some form.

    I truly believe that.

  • source: RLJ Entertainment
    movie reviews

    Movie Review: Plus One (2019) ***

    Plus One is about a couple of friends who decide to become each other’s plus-ones at ten weddings over the course of the year. As one would expect with heterosexuality in a romance-oriented movie, it develops into Something More.

    This is about eighty percent of a movie I *adored* and then a massive letdown of a final twenty percent.

    I was poised to love this one, since it has Jack Quaid, who I like to call Twink Meg Ryan. He’s the son of Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid, but takes much more after his mother. He’s got her charisma and good looks and then he’s also tall, which is basically a royal flush for a white guy.

    I wasn’t familiar with Maya Erskine before this, but she became my favorite immediately. Her performance is so funny. She’s got tons of range, great nuance, and she is adorably tiny compared to Jack Quaid. (Height disparity is always cute to me.)

    The problem is that Maya Erskine could have carried this movie alone (like a dirtbag Meg Ryan), but the film was more concerned with Jack Quaid’s character. It felt as though it were written primarily as a vehicle for Meg Ryan’s son to do a romcom. But then it failed to do romcom well: the messy breakup happens, and Quaid’s character makes no grand gesture to earn her love in return. He talks to her briefly after changing his mind, and that’s it.

    We follow Quaid’s character through his personal development. We do not see the reason Erskine’s character ends up with her ex again, or why they break up again in favor of Quaid, nor do we see Erskine’s character arc in regards to her parents completed. Plus One skips over the most critical climactic elements of romance in favor of Quaid’s character piece.

    Suddenly, at the end of the movie, they are together again. There is no catharsis. We are deprived of genuine satisfaction.

    It’s not enough for one person in a romance to overcome their issues. The point of romances is for both people to change through the darkest moment because the other person has what they need, so they grow for each other. Here, all Erskine “needed” was for Quaid to change his mind–at least, based on what we can tell happening on screen. Even Erskine’s family issues ended up serving Quaid’s character: it was only an opportunity to show his fear of commitment, not her growth.

    Keeping their reconciliation off-screen, reflected on in brief montage, is basically criminal. Like, why’d you even make a romcom?

    The first hour-ish of the movie was a hoot. Their relationship was adorable. Only One Bed In The Hotel Room is among my favorite tropes. By the time they hooked up, I was making zoo animal noises and banging around my living room. I was ready to give this six stars up until the moment I realized that, yes, we were going to spend the whole last twenty minutes with Quaid’s character, relegating Erskine to the prize he wins by having a heart-to-heart with his drugged up dad.

    A bad dismount generally ruins an entire movie for me, especially when it feels like they flunked something so integral to the genre. It’s like if they didn’t show Aragorn at his coronation in Return of the King, or The Matrix skipping over a climactic fight scene, or a mystery shrugging off finding the answer. It’s really frustrating how often people make romcoms and don’t actually understand the payoff points of romance.

    Sorry, Twink Meg Ryan, but this wasn’t it. I hope to see him in another romcom because it’s cute watching him Bold Boimler his way through hookups, but hopefully he gets better writing next time. And I’m going to go try Erskine in Mr. and Mrs. Smith, where I hope she gets better writing too.

    (image source: RLJ Entertainment)