• bluesky,  facebook

    ̶m̶a̶r̶c̶h̶ every month is madness

    Posted on 3/13/24. Facebook.

    I’m still on Windows 10 and the urgings to upgrade to Windows 11 are getting more demanding. I’m like, nice try. I would still be using Windows XP if y’all hadn’t forced me to Windows 7, and I’d still be using Windows 7 if you hadn’t forced me to Windows 10, and we are WELL ESTABLISHED NOW that I am not going anywhere until someone shows up at my house and shoves a new computer into my arms.



    you can tell my husband loves me because he laughs at my really bad jokes

    me: next play-thru, i’m gonna respec everyone into bards and call it Barder’s Gate

    him: genuine hearty sustained belly laugh

    that’s true love

    Posted on 3/14/24. Bluesky.

    the anhedonia is STRONG today

    Posted on 3/15/24. Facebook.

    Thank you all for the birthday wishes. ❤ I spent my day disassociating tbh. Dealing with a lot of anhedonia and mortality-related anxiety. But mostly feeling nothing at all, except when I saw all the lovely birthday wishes of course! Definitely a bright spot in the ten-thousand-yard stare of death at my wall, wondering wtf life even means.

    I’ve always been really weird about birthdays. I had my first mortality-related meltdown when I was like, nineteen. Nuts, right? It’s some kind of anxiety trigger.

    I feel bad because I wanna show my gratitude for all the effort people put in around my birthday. I recognize it and genuinely appreciate it so much. But I feel uniformly horrible on the days surrounding my birthday. (It’s gotten markedly worse since 2020, when my birthday was the beginning of lockdowns!) My difficulty showing gratitude and pleasure is not at all a reflection on the love I receive; I just don’t have a filter and can’t conceal how dead I feel.

    Anyhoo, thinking about my 2020 birthday, I was just telling 13yo Moonlight how the person I was in 2020 doesn’t exist anymore. Much of my days are occupied with crochet and plants now. I did not have *either* back then. I devoted a LOT of time to dieting and exercise. I also never played video games at length because I was always stressed out in a working frenzy. I worked hard and played hard. Basically 95% of my time was mindless frenzy, and 5% was getting wrecked on vacations. Now I am sober (!!!) and extremely moderate in my behaviors. I am a whole different Sara, which has been a lot of work to achieve.

    My progress has been, in a way, a lack of progress – comfort treading water, finding smaller joys, spending time with my kids growing SO fast. It’s extremely strange to be an entirely different person every few years. This version of me is good too I guess. I’m still feeling pretty empty right now. Emotions will be back later, I assume.

    Posted on 3/15/24. Bluesky.

    i’m watching paula pell on seth meyers, and i’m wondering if sixty looks young to me these days because i’m getting older, or if people really just don’t age like they used to

    like she looks sixty, but…not an old sixty?? idk, my mom is also sixty and i swear sometimes she looks younger than me.
    i just got off a video call with my mom the other day and it was like this

    me: byyyeeee love you mommy

    *hangs up*

    me to sibling, in a monster voice: WHY THE FUCK DOES SHE LOOK YOUNGER THAN US

    Posted on 3/16/24. Facebook.

    I am not sure if anyone is okay. Are you okay? I often am not. But I strive to be loving, purposeful, curious, kind, nurturing, and overall authentic – a good mother to life and a good roommate with myself.

    Posted on 3/18/24. Bluesky.

    My 9yo introduced me to skibidi toilet and the phrase “sticking out your gyat for the rizzler” and I feel very, uh…educated?

    Posted on 3/19/24. Facebook.

    Breaking news: Writers ain’t robots. If it’s taking a long time to get a book out, we’re not happy about it either. It’s not about torturing you.

    Posted on 3/20/24. Bluesky.

    I’m out walking my dog and some car drove by with the window rolled down

    A masculine voice catcalled me

    He said “I RESPECT YOU!”

    it was my husband on the way to work.


    Little Sunshine is so thoughtful. I told him I was feeling all crampy from my period, and he ran downstairs to heat up a rice sock for me. 🥹 Didn’t even ask, his own idea, SO SWEET


    i’m trying to finish creating content for my FILTHY ASS interactive novel (just need a few more scenes and drawings and then to code it out), but i simply wish i would stop embarking on projects with key fetish content when i know i never wanna finish it. lol

    whatever my tolerance for writing/drawing sex is, it’s always about 50% of what i feel like a fetish-themed story demands narratively. my author sense says “i need scenes x, y, and z” and i’m like “woo, scene x!” and then “sigh, scene y” and then “i’d rather die than finish scene z”

    Posted on 3/20/24. Facebook.

    Charlotte Brontë and I are very excited to go through this New Surrealism book. It’s a really good read/flip-through so far. The binding is divine. I appreciate that it included a bit on dadaism so that I could use it as a homeschool lesson.

    My only complaint: I picked it up partially because I love Miles Johnston, but the Johnston pieces included are absolutely not his definitive work, nor my favorites, and I’m like. why these? WHY? This big beautiful printing doesn’t include the stuff that made him a notable name in surrealism. One of the paintings is a really nice one tbh, but I literally see movie posters emulating some of his more iconic work, none of which they included. Bah!

    Surrealism is a really fun art movement to approach with a teenager who isn’t sure about fine art, btw. Moonlight confessed they’re 50/50 on “fine art is good” vs “this is nonsense and you’re pulling my leg,” but I think that the internet’s love of memes, random humor, and dadaism helps sway them toward understanding surrealism.

    Posted on 3/21/24. Facebook.

    I have been escorted out of a coyote’s territory before. It’s super cool, kinda haunting, so magical. These are my favorite wild animal that live in my neighborhood (although the hawks and corvids are up there too). I am always surprised how many people *hate* coyotes.

    Bear in mind the statistics show overwhelmingly that coyotes do not present any threat to humans; last I looked, there had only ever been one recorded death of a human by wolves in the Americas (a solo female who broke her leg hiking), while coyotes haven’t killed anyone.

    If you dislike coyotes because of their risk to house pets, I will gently inform you that you should not have outdoor cats. They devastate the local bird populations. Your cat is *perfectly happy* indoors, no matter how much that liar tries to yell at you about it. Also, pet dogs belong inside, too, especially the cute little (delicious) ones. Cats and dogs have a lovely symbiosis with humans over the millennia; it is better for everyone involved if we keep them close.

    When you’re escorted or have a sighting in a populated area: I recommend coyote hazing. That means shouting, waving your arms, throwing rocks near them. You don’t have to hit them or anything. You just want coyotes to continue feeling like humans are scary and hostile and that we shouldn’t be sharing spaces. It will help avoid tragic interactions.

    Large predators are really important to a local ecosystem. We are also part of this ecosystem. It befits us to live alongside coyotes, wolves, predatory birds, etc. Don’t be afraid. Don’t hate. Just respect the delicate interconnectivity of nature and do your part by spooking the coyotes properly.

    Posted on 3/24/24. Facebook.

    Tom Ellis was really born to play Lucifer.


    There are so many things I’ve never done sober. Like Beat Saber. The game where you swing laser beams around to slice blocks in time with music. Never done it sober until the last week or two.

    Turns out I am so much better at Beat Saber while stoned. You wouldn’t think it, but there you go.

    Posted on 3/25/24. Bluesky.

    stepping away from my interactive novel’s code for two months while i was distracted/finishing the novel means i have absolutely NO IDEA where anything in the code is, or what it means, and i hate Past Sara sooo much


    i still can’t get over my 13yo being taller than me. i’m 5’10”. they’re at least six feet now. i don’t know what to do with myself. THAT CAME OUT OF ME.

    Posted on 3/26/24. Facebook.

    You know what kind of day it is? I had my phone pinging my headphones, and I could HEAR THEM, and I was looking for them everywhere. But the sound seemed to move.

    Because my headphones were in my pocket the whole time. Yyyyyeeeppp. It’s THAT kind of day.

    Posted 3/27/24. Bluesky.

    I need Kristen Stewart to dress me like a lesbian

    Posted on 3/30/24. Bluesky.

    I’ve been enjoying Beyoncé’s Jolene but I can’t stop singing “Gay Dean” from Community

    🎶 your lifestyle is alternative, your influence is positive 🎶

    Posted on 3/31/24. Facebook.

    Man, spring break is always chaos. Totally throws me off my stride…whatever little stride I’ve had this year, lol.

    But it really strikes me now that my kids are growing up so fast. 13.5 and 9.5 years old. They’re so much easier than they’ve ever been. They can entertain themselves when I need to take care of myself. Emotional self-regulation is at an all time high. Taking care of them when they were small was like getting emotionally run over, lol. Small kids are hard! Big kids are an absolute dream.

    I’m okay getting my “stride” thrown off ad infinitum for a few more years while they’re still mine.



    I got cactus spines in my hand and THIS TIME I remembered not to pull them out with my teeth (thus transferring spines to mouth)

    Please clap

    Posted on 4/1/24. Facebook.

    I’m reading THE BELL JAR for the first time and wondering if I should worry about how relatable it is

    Posted on 4/4/24. Facebook.

    I took Stoker on a walk early this morning, since it’s getting warm during the day. I try not to walk him when it’s more than ~65F outside because he pants too hard. He’s a French bulldog, and that means his sinuses are dreadful, his paws are delicate, and he’s a FANCY BOY who needs pampering. So we were out around 7:30 today (it gets more like 6am in the summer).

    Lately I’ve heard dogs barking in back yards long before I approach with my dog, but I don’t see anyone else out walking. I haven’t been sure what was getting the dogs wound up. Maybe just a morning bark?

    Today I saw the cause: A big ol’ coyote. She’s smaller than my pitbull and shaped more like a cat, and she moved like there’s no gravity. Just effortlessly bounding over sagebrush and slipping under trees. She kept looking at me over her shoulder as she ghosted into the fields.

    No wonder the dogs have had so much to say!

    I know there are coyotes on that trail because they mark it with scat and hear them crying at night. They sound like little babies. It jolts through me every time because I think I have to go check on one of my children…but they are big now and don’t cry out like that.

    Sometimes I’ll see coyotes off other trails carrying rabbits in their mouths, but I think I’ve only *seen* a coyote on that trail once before, and only at night. What a beautiful animal. I feel so lucky. ❤ I hope she’s enjoying all the rabbits because we had a warm, wet winter and everything is kinda overgrown!

    The toads in my backyard are also extremely numerous this year, which means I’m going to have even more garden snakes, which means I’m going to have even more red-whatevered hawks. (I can’t tell the species tbh.)

    I LOVE this time of year.

  • bluesky,  facebook

    end of winter ramblings

    Posted 2/25/24.

    I’ve seen art students go from stick figures to fully rendered oil painting style in less than four years of study. Most people don’t need to get that good, and you’ll start getting drawings you like a LOT sooner, and you also get loads of dopamine from the process.

    AI feeds into your insecurity. So many people are like “I’m going to sit down and do this!” and then they can’t handle the fact they suck at it, so they quit. To paraphrase Adventure Time, sucking at something is the first step to being awesome at something. You just have to accept sucking a lot for a while. Don’t be a coward.

    Use of AI to illustrate is cowardly and lazy. You’re going to be here in four years; the time will pass either way. Work on your shit. Take classes. Study technique broadly. Practice what you like a lot. (I mostly stick to an illustrative style and it’s REALLY SATISFYING)

    …I don’t like the grumpy tone of my own thread because I want to be nurturing rather than mean, always, but I get SO FRUSTRATED. this AI shit is death by a thousand knives. I struggle to be at my kindest when it feels so awful all the time.

    Posted 2/26/24.

    Why Is My Decade Old C-Section Scar Bothering Me Again? And Other Reasons I Find Body Horror Relatable: A Memoir


    repeating to myself: two dogs is enough, two dogs is enough, two dogs is enough–


    9yo Sunshine told me that emoticons are better than emojis. “Do you know what emoticons are?” he asked me, like I wasn’t using them twenty years before he was born.

    Apparently : ) is better at expressing emotions online than 🙂, which is cartoony and cheesy.

    I birthed tech hipsters.


    My 13yo and I were watching an interview with Biden from last night (the one on Seth Meyers). I knew what Biden was talking about so I could follow him, but it was difficult; 13yo couldn’t follow him at all. Then I put on the 2008 Obama acceptance speech and blew my kid away.

    I’m like, “Can you believe we ever had a president who could actually talk?” and they were like “wtf that happens?” They were born in the Obama era but don’t remember him. As far as they’re concerned, America is defined by Trump. Ain’t that depressing.

    fwiw Obama had a *lot* of problems because, you know, president of an incredibly violent empire, but also, on the shallowest level possible, he was *incredibly* attractive.

    I am biased toward Obama because his administration had such massively tangible helpful impacts on my life. Thanks to his admin, I had insurance through my parents until I was 26; I also *had* to be given space/time to pump at the office. I would not have been able to nurse Eldest without the ACA. I have always been Medically Complicated so I have an emotional attachment to the president spearheading the admin that spared me a lot of active fear and gave me better access to healthcare. god, his admin also passed the laws that let me buy my first house. like! they helped me so much.

    Posted 2/27/24.

    I was joking with my kid about naming our next dog “Jesus” and the idea is so funny to me, I can’t get it out of my head

    Imagine yelling for Jesus at the dog park

    Calling the vet to make an appointment for Jesus

    Posted 2/28/24.

    I must come to grips with the fact that I am fully a conspiracy theorist who loves random drama. For instance: I still totally believe in Fake Melania, Disney made “Frozen” so you can’t easily google about Walt being frozen,

    and I am SO eyeballs-deep in Kate Middleton conspiracies.


    snuggly bedtime with my 9yo is still just the best time <33 also brushing my 13yo's hair <33333 ~ I thought I could handle doing a Dark Urge BG3 run if I skewed toward redemption, but there’s no preventing what happens when [SPOILER] joins your camp and they are one of my FAVORITES and now idk I don’t wanna I get really attached to everyone in this game ~ After being off cannabis for a bit over a month now, I think it's safe to say that I am just a silly nonsensical person in general and that's not going anywhere. 😆

    Posted 2/29/24.

    Another smoldering migraine day. Can I just chop my head off maybe?

    Posted 3/1/24.

    I had two writing sessions today. I want to reorient myself toward writing-for-publication, but it’s been hard. I had to learn a lot of new skills to write my gothic fantasy book – it was extremely intense to write, and extremely meticulous to edit so far – but it was really easy to commit myself to writing sessions because it’s all I wanted to think about. Working on ATTBTM feels like a beautiful dark dream.

    The Descentverse never felt like that. It was something I wrote to cope because I didn’t have any coping abilities. You’ll recognize Rylie’s werewolf as a metaphor for mental illness run rampant and autistic meltdowns. Elise represents so much of my anger toward men (fathers in specific). My overwhelm from medical trauma, and a desire to be hurt, is all over Deirdre’s books. And so on.

    But nowadays…I feel better. I have other ways of working on my stuff. Which means I need to find a whole other way to write books that I’m not using to cope, and which aren’t a dreamy love affair like the gothic fantasy book. I want to be able to write projects that I *choose* rationally. I don’t need to do a *lot*. I just need to be able to put out a book or two a year that has some relationship to the market.

    This begins by finishing the most important outstanding projects: Fated for Firelizards and Young Swords. Neither of these scratch my happy itch. I don’t need to hide from reality in them. So how do I build a healthy working relationship with writing instead of… *gestures at the wasteland of my life*

    I think it’s going to involve scheduling somehow. Schedules are hard. BUT today I managed to get myself in for two writing sessions, and that is super good. Longer sessions, or a third session, could get me back to a reasonable rate of writing, but I think it’s gonna be more important to write *daily* since I like to spend whole days crocheting/drawing now. Gotta figure out how to balance it. I’m sure I can do it now.

    Once I’m done with those, I can finish my horror novel, and THEN I can start on the litfic I’ve been percolating. It’s a take on Bluebeard’s wife among the nouveau riche, it’s gonna be a real spicy one! The only other project that jumps to me is a cyberpunk-sorta thing that I’ve been percolating *even longer* (literally a decade now) but I kinda hope that publishing litfic will better position folks to understand what I’m doing with the cyberpunk thing.

    (I think this will also be easier now that I quit weed, but quitting caffeine is a special added challenge lol)

    Posted 3/3/24.

    As a loud, energetic, imaginative youngest child, it took me a LONG time to contextualize the Annoying label. I got it a lot. I still think of myself as annoying occasionally, but it’s okay to be a little annoying.

    I was just talking with my spouse about the labels we’re given in childhood and how they can really stick with us. I was also labeled Liar by my dad. Nothing I said could be believed. I was constantly told I was doing things I absolutely was not. I was an Annoying Liar. Y’all, that is a LOT for someone to come up with.

    I know some of y’all have come up with even more, even worse labels, and I think sometimes those attitudes follow us into adulthood when we should have long since let them go.

    Posted 3/4/24.

    i’m a lil bummed that my most popular review on letterboxd is currently snark about j.lo’s documentary. all the time i’ve spent writing thoughtful review essays, and of course the one that gets any traction whatsoever (still quite minor) is when i’m just snarking about batshittery.

    i remember the first time i read a sarcastic recounting of a movie. it was oooold internet, talking 2002, early livejournal. someone recounted the events of queen of the damned sarcastically. it was seismic! a major influence on how i regard *everything*. of course i also review like that sometimes.

    but i don’t really wanna do that as a THING because it’s also a little bit mean and it plays into our less-favorable instincts as humans. yk? i wanna have fun without the mean bits. it makes me wanna just delete the review. don’t LOOK AT THAT ONE


    Cutting caffeine out of my system has killed me. I am dead. Nothing works. Don’t have words. Life is sleep.

    Posted 3/5/24.

    I wish I had a salon chair at home tbh. I do everyone’s hair and I’ve started also doing skincare for my family, and it sorta feels like tending five people is excuse enough for the setup. I like fussing over everyone. It’s very pleasant. It would be easier if I could just sit them in a chair and recline them to a sink to do the wash/rinse. facials would also be easier like that.

    but salon chairs are not exactly small and it’s not like i can just…leave it in front of my kitchen sink. or any other sink. and once i start thinking about putting in a sink just for the chair, it gets into “too big/messy/expensive/complex” territory.

    Posted 3/5/24.

    Natalie Portman got divorced, so I’m pretty sure that means I have a chance

    Posted 3/9/24.

    did i ever tell y’all about the time i met a friend’s boyfriend for the first time, and he said “i don’t like man-hating feminists” and i whipped around to growl at him with demon eyes: “I AM THE MAN-HATING FEMINIST”?

    i’ll take “least surprising stories about sara” for twenty, alex

    Posted 3/10/24.

    My grandpa visited me for my birthday. It was also just his birthday.

    Me: Happy birthday!

    Grandpa’s girlfriend: He’s eighty-three now.

    Me: Wow, grandpa! You’re finally old enough to be president!

    I just had to share that with you guys because I think it’s the funniest I’ve ever been in my life.

    That said, this dude still fully does all his manual labor around the property (he has a pretty big acreage) and he’s sharp as a tack, which is why I don’t really care about any presidential candidate’s age. It’s all about policies. But that’s not the point of my story, the point of my story is that I’m hilarious.

    Posted 3/12/24.

    I know I’m an idiot because every time something I’ve written gets ripped off/copied, my reaction is mostly “good, you never could have made something that great on your own. Out here improving the mean quality of writing and not even trying 💅🏻”

  • bluesky,  facebook

    a couple weeks of wordvomit

    Posted on 2/12/24.

    I am getting my bff cat’s cremains back this afternoon and I’m a wreck all over again

    I have found I do okay the day after they die, and a couple days beyond, but receiving cremains makes it feel extra final and devastating

    Posted on 2/13/24.

    Sunshine wants to use my ouija board to commune with my cat Annie, who died a week ago today. On one hand, I want to encourage him to explore ways to process his grief. On the other hand, I’m still way too sad to feel up for a cat seance. On another other hand, what even is this life.

    Posted on 2/14/24.

    Playing BG3. Halsin hits on me. Invites me to be with him, and bring my boyfriend Gale. I’ve been really enjoying Gale. I broke up with Astarion for Gale. But I go tell Gale that Halsin is interested in sharing, and Gale is SO OFFENDED. I don’t actually want Halsin but I’m not owned by Gale.

    Torn because I am offended by how offended Gale was, but I wouldn’t pick Halsin over Gale, aside from this one element. The fearfulness and jealousy of forced monogamy is GROSS.

    omg all the monogamy i hate it so much, i belong to NOBODY but MYSELF. if i choose monogamy it’s from joy.

    irl i am ethically nonmonogamous (or polyamorous? idk the difference) but i haven’t dated in ages just because i’m so happy with my spouse and i don’t have any unfulfilled needs or desires, and we’re busy. so it’s like, chosen monogamy. i think that’s nice.

    possessiveness and jealousy is theeeee biggest turn-off in the world to me, i just don’t wanna be with gale anymore but idk that i’ll hook up with halsin either. just, i’m not into halsin in this play through. i’d rather be single than be with someone jealous and possessive.

    insecurity and jealousy should be approached with an open heart, curious mind, and full honesty. multiple relationships are never a competition but an expansion of one’s heart. i can (and have) love multiple people at once, the way i love both my kids, all my cats, and there’s no comparison

    really the main limiting factor with romantic relationships is time. i don’t have time for more right now. but i do flirt, and so does my spouse, and then we come home and over-communicate about stuff and reorient ourselves all the time, even though we usually find ourselves unmoved.

    in a video game i have played for 800 hours, time is not a concern. to say the least. lol

    give me the fantasy of healthy relationships that support rather than confine, stupid game.

    anyway gale isn’t a nice fantasy for me anymore so we broke up. Killdead the Slayer is single on the streets baby! watch out Baldur’s Gate!

    Posted on 2/15/24.

    My gothic fantasy book was written and edited entirely on psychedelic doses of THC, and this is my first time reading it sober-sober.

    Frankly surprised the book is readable at all, tbh. ahahahah

    God I love this thing

    Posted on 2/16/24.

    thinking about also pirating doc martin (i have an acorn subscription) just so i can watch ahead in the show without my 13yo realizing i’ve cheated on them

    maybe if i download the episodes to my ipad, disconnect from the internet, watch the episodes, then delete the app before reconnecting to the internet

    My first actual novel was a fabulous 100k-word fantasy novel about five girls who each controlled the elements in a world without men (I was 12)

    Before that I wrote the most amazing novel length Animorphs/Sailor Moon crossovers

    I didn’t start writing terrible books until my 20s tyvm shit was GOLD


    I did include lesbian relationships. Gender apocalypse books sometimes don’t.

    Babies were all divine foundlings or divine pregnancy, but gods were girls too.

    I did not have a nuanced understanding of gender and it was actually sex based. And I didn’t know about intersex conditions.

    My first major series published as an adult (after the teen werewolves) had a central intersex woman as the heroine and she remains my most popular ever character. I figured it out eventually lol

    My first fantasy book had the heroine dying and going to a Hell-like place! A recurring motif.

    The fantasy series led directly into my popular urban fantasy series, which I began drafting when I was 15, and reuses several elements from the fantasy book. When I tell you guys I have been at this for a long time, I really mean one thing specifically 💀

    It was all really excellent tho

    I am turning 36 this year and I wrote my first original novel about 1/4 of a century ago. It’s wild, man. I wrote that first book (and its fanfic predecessors) on an IBM compatible, in WordPerfect (iirc), saved to 3.5” floppy. Eventually upgraded to windows 3.1 with a GUI to make editing easier.

    I did my 8th grade book report on my own novel. My mom used to let me skip school whenever I was finishing a book. It happened 1-2x a school year. I wrote longhand in classes and told off teachers trying to interrupt me.

    I think 2023 is the only year since ~1998 I haven’t written at least one book*

    * I finished one novel from a previous year and started a couple others tho

    Posted on 2/17/24.

    I think 3/5 of my cats are autistic as fuck

    I have two cats that are normal levels of cat weird (which is Very Weird) but then I have three with obvious sensory processing issues that make them EVEN WEIRDER in various ways

    omg self do not even type out comments like “crush me mommy” on hot author lady photos without hitting enter, someday i will hit enter on my intrusive thoughts and there will actually be consequences

    i’m gonna complain in the style of an Internet Old via greentext. (if you don’t know what greentext is, just read these as a weird blog post, it’s fine.)

    > be me
    > login to website host to register a new silly domain
    > notice my payment info expired
    > panik
    > realize I have a Really Really Important domain that will expire in 2 weeks
    > domain is registered somewhere else completely
    > cannot login to Somewhere Else
    > try recovery with every email I know
    > fail
    > panik
    > submit request to recover account managing domain
    > will take 3 days
    > panik
    > consider backordering my own domain so i can bid on it if this fails
    > realize that this domain came from one place originally but does its management from yet another place
    > start logging into every related site via Really Ancient Email i barely remember
    > find that my payment info has expired on all the sites
    > autorenew is disabled for domain
    > cannot enable
    > definitely going to lose my website in 2 weeks
    > PANIK
    > update payment info literally everywhere because i can’t tell where the renewal actually occurs
    > still can’t enable autorenew
    > finally access Somewhere Else
    > update payment info there too
    > still can’t enable autorenew
    > can’t renew right now because that’s disabled too
    > initiate transfer to normal website host
    > still panik but less
    > remember that i have now asked to have access restored to domain management that i am simultaneously trying to transfer
    > worried but incapable of doing anything about it
    > realize i would have never remembered to check on this or do anything about it in time if i hadn’t quit weed
    > remind myself that never would have happened because i’m psychic and my psychic powers clearly compelled me to start this journey tonight
    > optimistic that everything will turn out ok as long as i didn’t clusterfxk it with multiple recovery attempts
    > suddenly 10pm
    > too wired to sleep, still kind of PANIK

    Posted on 2/18/24.

    I kinda think everyone should learn to crochet *only* to make socks. Socks are really fun and easy to make. Plus, I can churn out socks while watching tv/movies, and then I just like…have lots of socks around. I use yarn so distinct that they’re easy to scoop out of the laundry. They fit perfectly because I crocheted them to my foot shape. They become incredibly soft in the washing machine.

    also i had a great hair hour yesterday, between taking down my bun and brushing my hair. I’ve been trying to treat my hair like it’s curly to see if I’d get more of a wave pattern. Eldest Moonlight has the most amazing naturally curly hair, like big heavy ringlets, naturally as wide around as your fist, that lay across their back gorgeously. I suspect this happened bc of my family’s slightly-wavy genetics and my husband’s much-thicker hair follicles (mine is fine but dense). I mess with my hair so much (SO MANY CHEMICALS) that i don’t have a clue what my actual texture is like. But I’m sleeping with a silk bonnet, *usually* combing with a wide-tooth comb rather than brushing, squeeze-drying, and doing curly-specific conditioner, and it does seem to be helping waves form.

    FWIW moonlight loves having their hair brushed and played with and that makes me feel SO LUCKY. They got all the good genetics but at least i get to play with their hair

    If you’re an American, it’s really fascinating to search for the indigenous names for local features. I was looking up indigenous names for the Truckee River. My region sits on unceded land home to Washoe and Northern Paiute.
    Northern Paiute call the Truckee “Kuyuinahukwa”, wherein Kuyui- refers to a type of fish (the cui-ui) that you find in Pyramid Lake (called Kooyooe Pa’a Panunadu – note again the “kooyooe” as cui-ui). Washo calls Pyramid Lake “Á’waku dáʔaw” meaning Trout Lake.

    Meanwhile the Washoe have different names for different parts of the Truckee River, which makes a lotta sense. The river goes through a lot of different biomes between Tahoe and Pyramid Lakes and has different characteristics in these areas. Át’abi wá’t’a would refer to the Truckee nearer Pyramid; Dawbayódok refers to the Truckee nearer Tahoe.

    If you’re not familiar with my geographic region, Lake Tahoe is a cold alpine lake in the Sierras, while Pyramid Lake is in a much more arid region. You’d drive through there and say “oh this is a proper desert.” In between, we have a mix of wetlands and whatnot. The whole thing was prehistorically underwater in one giant lake mass we call Lahontan.

    It’s fascinating to think how definitional the fish in the system are/were to indigenous folks. The nation who live around Pyramid Lake have a name translating to (sorta) the Fish Eating People. When I think of my area, fish are the last thing I think about, but the source of water and food for our predecessors would *obviously* be so important. It should probably still be important. But life is so muddy on a day to day basis, I have so little connection to the actual hyperlocal conditions that I live among. My brain is on the internet, I eat stuff out of wrappers from a grocery store, I walk around a golf course inhabiting wetlands.

    Management of Pyramid remains in control of the Northern Paiute afaik, and I really wanna read more about local indigenous involvement in ecological matters. I believe that American land resources should all be under the management of the nations who used to manage them, but I don’t know what that looks like. How different would things look with non-colonial watershed management, food supply, etc? Why don’t I eat more pine nuts?

    One of the reasons I’m thinking about local indigenous populations is reading more about my own Irish background, and learning about indigenous Irish people, and kinda trying to draw parallels between my own ancestry and the indigenous folks I have as neighbors. My bloodline isn’t remotely noble or recently indigenous (we’re very working class city people), but we were cut off from our indigenous language only two generations back (for example) and it’s fascinating piecing together a puzzle of what human life looks outside of empire.

    (My apologies if I have shared any improper detail or inappropriately Westernized spellings; my intent is to be accurate & respectful but I am not fully aware of my own biases, as most people are not and cannot be, and it’s wholly possible I am being unknowingly offensive somewhere here.)

    still waiting for my 13yo to realize that having young parents means that their tastes are nearer my cringe tastes than not

    gonna laugh my ass off when they realize mid-Millennial and Gen Z/Alpha cusp are not so different and start looking at real estate on zillow for fun

    mock me now, beloved offspring, because if you mock too long into the abyss, the abyss will mock you back

    Posted on 2/19/24.

    I’m slowly studying French. If y’all want a recommendation: I’m really enjoying an app called “Learn French” by Reword on iOS. It’s not expensive, like $10/year? I really like the flash card and review method.

    This is mostly for expanding vocabulary, not learning language rules. I’m also watching dubbed Disney movies and bothering my family by gargling random French words in their direction. Like grabbing my kid’s ear and shouting “l’oreille!” and saying aujourd’hui every time I have any excuse.

    Posted on 2/20/24. Facebook.

    The ONLY thing I don’t love about French is having l’accent aigu est l’accent grave. You don’t need two. Pick one.

    I’ve been having funny heart symptoms since I quit weed. Not sure how to describe the sensation. Just like, I can feel my heart sometimes, like it’s beating funny, or I’m anxious for no reason. It’s an incredibly common experience quitting weed, but I thought I ought to get myself into the doctor for an EKG regardless.

    The *important* part of this story is that my EKG doesn’t show issues, although she heard a PVC while listening to my heart (beating “out of order”). We’re gonna look at my thyroid again because I do have a thyroid autoimmune disorder and if that’s all good then I’m going to see a cardiologist for a more thorough scan. But right now everything seems ok.

    The *unimportant* but *hilarious* part of this is that I saw a new-to-me nurse practitioner. She’s so hot. Probably around my age, dirty blonde, slow to speak, very dry and sarcastic. Soooo hooootttt. I was VIBING ON HER. And I think she liked me too (probably not in a gay way) so we were bantering.

    Well Hot Nurse is listening to my heart. She’s standing close enough that I can smell her perfume even through my mask and I’m getting all ~gazey~ at the pretty lady. She remarks, “Well, your heart rate just went up.” My husband SNORTS. He instantly knows I am in a GAY PANIC.

    So I had to lay through this EKG for my heart rhythm when I am bantering with the HOTTEST SARCASTIC NURSE and I’m like, lady, you’re gonna have to be way less hot to get reliable results out of this. (I did not say this part out loud.) But she kept remarking on how my heart was perfect, just perfect, and I’m like, omg you’re perfect.
    My husband was just cracking up, he loves witnessing me do a lesbionic flopsweat. I was grinning the whole way home lmao.

    I had a doctor appointment today. She walks in and asks if some program can listen in via her phone to make transcripts easier, analyze the appointment for the associated hospital, etc.

    I asked, “Is that powered by AI?” Yes. Yes it was.

    reader, how quickly i said no

    i let them use me for medical student practice and stuff, i honestly have no shame. but i’m also a writer and artist and at this point, if i can say “NO” to having AI absorbing *any* part of my life for usage, i’m gonna say no.

    Keep thinking about an author who posted something that said (paraphrased): “everyone has books they read to make them feel better about their writing, don’t lie”

    Because I seriously don’t and i don’t know why you would

    I am very secure in my writing. But even if I weren’t, why would it make me feel better to get judgy and mean about someone else’s writing? What would I learn from that? Would it make me feel more confident REALLY, or would it make me think people hate-read me to feel better too?

    Writing is so subjective. I am a really good writer and still, loads of people have no time for what I write because it’s not to their taste.

    Very few people write to my taste. That doesn’t mean the rest of the world is *bad writers,* but just kinda up to something else. Yk?

    I have increasingly little time for commercial genre fiction because I find it hollow, unambitious, and inauthentic. Hate-reading would only make me feel worse. I still would never say it’s Bad Writing because it’s like falling in love…there’s something for everyone.

    Professional jealousy is completely normal among authors; it’s weird and difficult to handle. I have never found that feeding into professional jealousy will give me anything. Good things always come out of acceptance and collaboration.

    I think the professional jealousy thing springs from personal insecurity. A desire for external validation you aren’t getting. Writing is one of the most vulnerable arts (imo) because it’s very unfiltered and personal and solitary; you’re REALLY putting it all out there.

    What’s strange about publishing success (probably all successes) is that none of it is going to make you feel better if you don’t figure out how to internally validate yourself. It will never be enough. You will always want something else. Even once you get your type of success, you can be bitter.

    It’s a brutal industry; odds are never good. It can be frustrating to see others succeed and feel like you lost that opportunity. But you didn’t lose an opportunity. You weren’t gonna get that thing. There is nothing to be jealous over. Literally nothing. You must be secure in yourself + writing.

    This isn’t about anyone in specific. I’ve just been around ages and the Professional Jealousy Bear rampages all over. I don’t know many people who haven’t struggled with it tbh. But some people really feed into it and that’s why you get some VERY strange author drama.

    Looking for validation from an industry with extremely narrow odds of the loftiest success is a quick path to misery. It’s never gonna heal your hurts. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t strive for success. Just means you should also strive to feel good inside yourself despite it.

    Posted on 2/22/24.

    If you’re feeling bleak about the news today, make something. Anything. Make something pretty or ugly and awkward or meaningful or silly or…whatever occurs to you. Build something new. Add something to our world.

    Currently reading My Year of Rest & Relaxation. Just finished Boy Parts.

    It’s weird reading litfic in the subgenre of “horrible women being dreadful” because I relate *so* strongly. I’m like, oh, who went and wrote about my entire twenties for me?

    I should write one of these books. It’s basically the horror for the mundanity of a white woman’s existence writ large.

    Posted on 2/23/24.

    I wish I were an owlbear.

    Posted on 2/24/24.

    I want to start a web ring for people who maintain websites that are interesting, independent, and mostly not paywalled. We’re losing an internet where we could have All The Information straight from passionate interesting people and discoverability engines are just about selling products.

    This isn’t a project I’m embarking on just yet, but eventually I do actually sincerely want to make an old-fashioned web ring. It’s how we used to find our way around to random interesting and semi-related websites in the 90s. Literally you’d have a couple buttons on your site that led to others.

    Thing is, I’m not even sure where to go looking for people who have fun independent websites these days. All the interesting people are still on social media or some platform or other. Substack and Patreon have paywalled most blogs of substance and benefit dodgy companies.

    Nobody seems to have the time, money, or inclination to wing it anymore. Or at least, if they are winging it, the discoverability engines are making sure it never crosses into my space!

    (oh, medium is another one, medium is also where a lot of the people are atm)

    My lil blog Egregious is almost entirely movie reviews, though it does have flash fiction, short stories, personal diaries, etc too. Basically wherever my ~special interests~ have been leading me. I just wanna have a web ring with other people who have ~special interest~ websites. It’s my dream.

    I am so sober you guys~ ❤

    Over four weeks without weed now. I’m still “peeing dirty” (which is to say, my tests are positive) so it’s STILL in my system aplenty. I think withdrawal is really going to just be a long slope of symptoms cresting and receding as my brain/body reorganizes itself. I’m certainly not at a baseline yet.

    If anyone else has an addiction history, here are thoughts I find helpful:

    1) Whatever problems (in the world or in your life) send you to ~Substances~, remember the ~Substance~ isn’t going to change it. Period. At best you get to turn your back on it for a few minutes (but does it reeeaaally console you? be honest). All you’ve done is spent money on another problem to babysit.

    2) Withdrawal means you’re free. You don’t have to have the Thing around anymore, you’re not captive to the need to keep it around, you don’t have to pay for it. Use cravings as a chance to think “Ah ha, that’s the sign I’m getting out of this! I’m freeeee~”

    Also: if you’re addicted to something (especially something with a high-demand pattern like nicotine), you’re already experiencing lots of withdrawals in between using. So you’re actually dealing with it already. Don’t drag it out. Face the withdrawal and it’ll end this time, *forever*.

    These two thoughts are actually so helpful that I’m quitting caffeine at the same time I’m dealing with the weed stuff. When I left nicotine, I was so shaken, it took me over two whole years to work myself up to quitting weed. I think if I’d understood these (should-be-obvious) things, I might have quit weed sooner. I can handle weed + caffeine now. Kinda cool.

    I also would have quit sooner if I’d known that weed would be easy! The dependency is NOT the same. Weed really is a friendlier friend than the other guys, but it was weighing me down. The relationship didn’t serve me anymore.

    It’s nice that I have positive associations with weed but don’t wanna use anymore. It feels like I’ve broken up with a girlfriend who I’m still distant friends with. I think break-ups are almost never failures, but a natural stepping stone in life, and it’s healthy to say “thank you, I have so many fond memories, I love what I got from you, but it’s time to move on.”

    Unlike with nic and booze where I’m like “omg f0ck you so much, you f0ckerito.” Still pretty shaken by my experiences with those. No love lost. Abusive boyfriends, the both of them.

    Fond feelings about weed aside, I’m looking forward to having non-stoner cognition back…at some point. I still can’t keep track of a darn thing. Where are my headphones? I literally JUST HAD THEM. A month out and I’m still halfway tonked. omg. you guys.

    wake me up when timothee chalamamalala is walking around ass-out in the robot titty suit.

  • facebook,  writing

    Character blocking – less can be more

    I’m enjoying the work of reading the first Malazan book, but the prose itself, I do not like. The amount of character blocking bothers me. I get why the author does it (you can find his analyses of a scene or two online) but…it doesn’t read well for me.

    Character blocking is something most writers I know do. Including myself!

    I say “blocking” in the manner of a stage play. It is describing many small gestures of a character that doesn’t meaningfully add to a scene, or just doing it to excess. Character blocking is a broader way of describing something that is *usually* Eye Choreography.

    X looked at Y. He looked away.
    Y’s gaze cut to the ground.
    X looked at the thing, and then he looked at his sword.
    He walked to the bar with his gaze averted.

    There are two issues here.

    1) A book is less like a stage play and more like an impressionist painting you create in a reader’s mind. Broadly describing behavior will allow readers to fill in gestures themselves.

    2) Gestures don’t mean the same things to everyone. It’s unclear. I just touched a hand to my chin. What am I doing?
    Is this a thoughtful hand?
    Am I messing with a blemish?
    Am I hiding the cleft in my chin?
    Maybe I’m about to say something.

    Looking at things or moving your hands or whatever can definitely be relevant, necessary scene information…sometimes. *Writing* it can also be totally necessary for *you*, the author, to work out where things are in the scene and what is happening. YOU know why the character is Looking.

    A character’s mood and physicality can be conveyed throughout the scene in MANY ways. It should form a greater picture for readers. Save specific gestures for when you wanna “zoom in.”

    In editing, I get rid of all blocking except the stuff that makes a scene *less* confusing.
    If he absolutely needs to look at the window or nobody is going to realize he’s talking about someone outside instead of inside the room, then yes! Block that. It zooms us in on that “look.”

    But remember: Gestures mean different things to different people. A lot of people can’t read body language at all, even on the page. You are adding gestures that “zoom focus” without adding more information or experience for the reader. I am exhausted constantly zooming focus on characters’ faces when their whole bodies exist and inhabit a setting.

    There are alternative beats you can use, if you want to confer a pause in dialogue (though I think you can let readers infer a lot about dialogue cadence too). I will favor beats that embody characters in their setting in meaningful ways.

    I really like beats that add *new* description to a character or setting. That breaks up big blocks of description and adds color and vivacity.

    I also like character-specific beats. One character might mess with his ear a lot. Another has antsy feet. One can’t stay sitting.

    Using character-specific beats consistently across scenes, chapters, and books helps fix a character in the reader’s mind. And the reader will bring biases about the character to fill in smaller gestures (X looking at Y, then away) as appropriate to their personality.

    In Malazan, Character Blocking is frequent. I know from reading the author’s analyses of his scenes that he does intend these lines to confer information. “By looking at the sword, Tattersail is thinking xyz.” He doesn’t actually intend for anyone to know what that means though. The author generally doesn’t care if anyone knows what he’s talking about. While I respect the attitude, I find that his reliance on blocking to express information he doesn’t care about conveying isn’t NEARLY as well-thought-out as his worldbuilding details.

    I dislike the insulting connotations of “lazy” when I mean “convenient at the expense of quality,” but lazy is the word I think reading a lot of this dialogue. Perhaps less lazy, more cursory? Like “FINE I guess people have to inhabit this world I’m writing, and they talk.”

    Likewise, I can’t say the prose on Malazan is bad when what it actually is, is that the writer and I have way different priorities. That’s all.

    I see my prose on this level as the Welcoming Center of my book. It needs to get out of the reader’s way so that my story and world can thrive. I want my language efficient and my meaning clear. I am not deliberately puzzling anyone, unless the specific intent of a scene is to puzzle, and even then, I will communicate it wholly differently.
    Efficiency of language can be so beautiful.

    Malazan is legendary for its complexity, opacity, and demands upon the reader’s patience. The world and experience of conquering the books makes this worthwhile. For my writer friends, I suggest editing out Character Blocking in draft 2 because you aren’t writing Malazan, probably. Don’t worry about the rough draft. Write whatever you have to write in the rough draft. But consider taking a scalpel into your scenes to excise all but essential blocking.


    Blocking (and especially Eye Choreography lol) is super common in some areas of fiction. It’s an instinctive thing. We’re trying to think our way through a scene and conversation and we put in unnecessary information while we work it out, which is better removed later, imo.

    A story written so minimalistically need not be dry – action and dialogue alone can still be compelling if your story is compelling. I do like to add some physicality of gesture, commentary, inner thought, etc on those things, and that’s nice too.

    A novel writing class is probably bringing some of these thoughts out because I’ve had to read Hemingway. Hemingway does not do this in his dialogue at all, and his dialogue is still effective (imo).


    “Santiago,” the boy said to him as they climbed the bank from where the skiff was hauled up. “I could go with you again. We’ve made some money.”
    The old man had taught the boy to fish and the boy loved him.
    “No,” the old man said. “You’re with a lucky boat. Stay with them.”
    “But remember how you went eighty-seven days without fish and then we caught big ones every day for three weeks.”
    “I remember,” the old man said. “I know you did not leave me because you doubted.”
    “It was papa made me leave. I am a boy and I must obey him.”
    “I know,” the old man said. “It is quite normal.”

    Then we can look over at Gardens of the Moon by Stephen Erikson for the other end of things.

    “Are you the last left in the cadre?” he asked.
    She looked away, feeling brittle. “The last left standing. It wasn’t skill, either. Just lucky.” […] She heard Hairlock laugh, the sound of a soft jolt that made her wince. “The tall one,” she said. “He’s a mage, isn’t he?”
    Whiskeyjack grunted, then said, “His name’s Quick Ben.”
    “Not the one he was born with.”
    She rolled her shoulders against the weight of her cloak, momentarily easing the dull pain in her lower back. “I should know him, Sergeant. That kind of power gets noticed. He’s no novice.”
    “No,” Whiskeyjack replied. “He isn’t.”
    She felt herself getting angry. “I want an explanation. What’s happening here?”
    Whiskeyjack grimaced. “Not much, by the looks of it.” He raised his voice. “Quick Ben!”
    The mage looked over. “Some last-minute negotiations, Sergeant,” he said, flashing a white grin.
    “Hood’s Breath.” Tattersail sighed, turning away.

    That is some dialogue from the beginning of Malazan, which I personally feel is too much blocking. The information conveyed is not important and it breaks up the conversation too much, distracting from the way the conversation is meant to propel the scene.

    But again, as I said above — This is an issue of different authorial priorities. The author here think it’s important we should know that the cloak this mage is wearing is heavy in the middle of an explanation about the situation and people in the situation, and I think it’s too much.

    (I originally posted this on Facebook on 2/12/23.)

  • bluesky,  facebook,  tsfka twitter

    Punxsutawny Says Spring

    Posted on 2/2/24. Facebook.

    I am so obsessed with 9yo Sunshine’s energy and confidence. I found a school paper that he graded for himself. He only spelled 2 out of 8 words correctly. He graded himself with an “F+” and then wrote “bad but still good” next to it. He can’t even fail himself without getting cheerful about it. He invented F-plus! lmao

    He’s got a little speech about how nobody is perfect, which means he cannot be perfect, but to him that seems to mean that being 70% awesome is actually 100% awesome and the other 30% is just inevitable humanity.

    I had really really awful self-esteem for most of my life. I felt absolutely radioactive until I met my spouse, and even then it took over a decade to genuinely internalize my self-worth. I don’t think Sunshine’s ever going to deal with that. It’s a massive relief, and also extremely charming.

    (I spelled perfectly at his age, fyi, and got 100% regularly, and I was an absolute wreck disaster human. I prefer bad grades from a happy kid than good grades from a miserable kid.)

    Posted on 2/3/24. Facebook.

    You know what’s funny? My older sibling tells me that I was the first in the family to “come out,” but I have zero recollection of it. Apparently I formally told my mom that I liked girls before my siblings did. (I’m the youngest.) I declared myself bisexual.

    I don’t even know that I’m bisexual now, lmao. My younger, forgotten self was so confident. I got crushes on girls and boys and That Was That.

    It was probably so unremarkable because I wasn’t afraid of my mom’s reaction. I DO remember her telling me that she would always love me, no matter who I loved. I was very young in this memory. I think we were playing with Barbies. I was probably doing something weird and gross and unselfaware, like making my mom watch two Barbies scissor. Parents know! Kids can’t hide for crap.

    This is odd to me, I guess, because my sibling is transgender and I’ve always just thought of them as The Queer One, placing them up on a rainbow pedestal in my heart. They are the one who asked for different pronouns; they are the one who made it clear their bio-sex was not just wrong, but an uncomfortable fit; they crashed against homophobia all the time just for existing. I advocate for them at the doctor’s office and step in to enforce proper pronoun usage with other people and do whatever I can to protect my sibling’s right to be themself.

    I take my own queerness for granted because I camouflage. I’ve dated women, but I’m married to someone AMAB with a beard; I married him wearing white and we made babies together. Neither of us tell anyone IRL that neither of us consider our genders to align with our sexes. Not that we’re hiding. It just seems irrelevant, and anyway, nobody seems to understand if we try to explain it. I think you can only start to grasp exactly what a gay relationship we have after spending a while with the two of us. Sometimes we are like a sapphic relationship, both of us women. Sometimes we are gay as fuck, like two dudes. We virtually never fall into m/f style roles, except by accident. Our fluid gender identities are part of our couple identity, too.

    My beloved sibling calls me Woman+ in terms of gender. I like being a woman. I am not only a woman. If gender identities could be written down like states on the map of America, my location would not be a dot like a state capital, but a blob of weather that encompasses the entire west coast with fingers across the northeastern seaboard. I am a woman in the most basic of ways, and then something happens and you’re suddenly hanging out with a Reddit neckbeard who talks like gay Dane Cook.

    I am most often a man in romantic situations with women; I’m a gay man with men; I am jarred and confused when I meet men and they treat me like a ~woman instead of a masculine peer. But in social situations with women, I’m a woman. I also definitely do not want to look androgynous. I want to look feminine, but get received as a man. I feel silly trying to explain the amorphous boundaries of my gender. Like, nobody’s even gonna take me seriously. Why bother? People don’t think my climate is even real. “All women feel like that,” say people who have no idea what I’m talking about.

    So I just don’t bother, really. I’m just Queer and that’s that. But somehow, when I was young, at a time I don’t even remember, I knew that I was bisexual enough to announce it and then forget about it, and I think that is SO INTERESTING. Some critical piece of personal history I’ve got no memory for.

    Posted on 2/5/24. Facebook.

    I’m on day 10(?) without weed. I’ve been having emotions all day and haven’t wanted to relapse. I started *really* over-using when my first cat died, so it’s a testament to the coping skills I’ve been working on.

    I’m still not very thinky. A lot of the fog from weed has passed, but my emotions are very surface and it’s taking a lot of effort to write anything that makes sense. (Which you might not be able to tell by the amount of posts I make…lol)

    The main thing I’m doing to pass the time is hanging out on sobriety support forums to talk with people. I always find congregate therapy settings valuable. I’m not doing stuff IRL right now, but online is basically as good.
    Mostly people in group therapy need validation, and peer validation is really effective. There’s really nothing so loving as a recovery group. And I’ve made it so that if I feel a craving, I just…go online and talk to people about how to manage cravings.

    I am extremely sad and crying a lot because of my cat, and all the associated feelings, but I also feel really healthy about it so that’s good I guess.

    Thank you to everyone who has been sharing love and support. It means a lot to me.


    King Charles has been diagnosed with cancer after his prostate surgery. They haven’t released details on his prognosis, but it is serious enough that his estranged son is flying out to visit.

    I think it’s interesting that this does somehow align with Nostradamus’s predictions, if you squint. Here’s the relevant quatrain, which some have read to mean King Charles:

    Because they disapproved of his divorce
    A man who later they considered unworthy
    The People will force out the King of the islands
    A Man will replace who never expected to be king

    So…if you squint.

    I don’t hold any opinion on Nostradamus because I am currently in flux (kind of in the “I have no idea what I believe about anything” place) but this has often been read to mean that Charles would be unpopular, abdicate, and someone not-William would inherit.

    Interestingly, Prince William has been saying things that indicate he *isn’t* interested in the traditional monarchy, including being head of the Church of England. But he has also shown signs he would like to take over for his father on his own terms.

    I don’t think Prince William’s personality would permit him to willingly step aside, though. There were whispered rumors of William & Kate divorcing – which would be unpopular after her hospitalization – so Nostradamus’s quatrain could also potentially apply to Wills.

    Or it could all be UTTER NONSENSE and it’s just interesting to watch history happening in real time and we could probably bend/stretch/squeeze this prophecy to fit *literally anyone*. I mean, if the new King of Denmark divorced his wife (who would probably be happy to escape the dude), this could also apply to them. yk? and the monarchy in Denmark has been “slimmed down” so I could imagine odd succession happening there.

    I truly cannot imagine a likely scenario that would lead to King Harry and Queen Meghan, but you’re going to see people talking about this a lot in the weeks to come anyway, and this quatrain is a significant reason why.

    Posted on 2/6/24. Bluesky.

    freestyling about how much i love my nebulizer while assembling a new mouthpiece

    i love my nebulizer
    love a bronchiodilator
    iprutropium bromide for
    making me breathe more
    take my albuterol now
    like i’m a boss who breathes now

    …sorry i’ll stop

    Posted on 2/8/24. TSFKA Twitter.

    i wasn’t going to see dune 2 in the theater because i’m a fussy bitch about splitting movies into episodes released years apart (how dare). but. the dune 2 popcorn bucket is gonna make me do it. and i’m mad that i’m this cheap. stupid dune 2 popcorn bucket.

    Posted on 2/9/24. Bluesky.

    New cat owners are so funny. I keep coming across posts where people are like “what’s wrong with my cat? It will push everything off my lap and climb on my face and never stops rubbing on me and meows at me every time I move.”

    It’s love. Your cat loves you. Lmao

    The more annoying a cat is, the more they love you. Rub them and talk to them in a baby voice. Accept your servitude. Your lap is theirs. This is why you got a cat.

    “Why does this cat purr the instant he sees me even if I’m not doing anything?”

    YOUR CAT LOVES YOU, this is supposed to happen! I think new cat owners expect their cats to be aloof, sort of decorative, and just aren’t ready for the fact cats are clingy little weirdos (which is why I love em)

    Posted on 2/11/24. Facebook.

    Two weeks sober now. Woo woo! Mostly unremarkable. However, I spent the last few years only having one kind of dream (travel dreams), and now I’m having all sorts of bizarre dreams.

    Like I dreamed about having four boyfriends last night. Four BOYfriends. Wtf is my brain even thinking?

    (I am definitely also attracted to men; I just have way more exacting standards and don’t trust dudes easily, so the idea of finding four men I’d bang at once is ridiculous to me! OTOH if four women were like “join us Sara” I wouldn’t have enough a brain to even ask questions.)


    I was finally honest with myself and bought MARRY ME with Jennifer Lopez and Owen Wilson. I didn’t think it was a very good movie the first time I watched it. It’s all I want to watch right now, and frankly Jennifer Lopez romcoms are all I want to watch about 60% of my waking hours.

    When I say “Jennifer Lopez romcoms” I do in fact mostly mean THE CELL (2000). It’s a romcom between JLo and ME.

  • Diaries,  facebook

    Imbolc awakenings

    Posted 1/27/24 at 9pm.

    Day One of my new weed-free life went well. I pined for my vape several times but got over it quickly. I have no appetite, I still felt stoned all morning, and now I’m getting that weird empty feeling. That’s all fine.

    My weirdest symptom of withdrawing from cannabis: My gag reflex is back, and it’s more sensitive than I’ve ever experienced.

    I did not discover that by doing the thing you’re thinking about. But go ahead and think that I did, because it’s much funnier.

    Posted 1/28/24 at 8am.

    My vet told us that if you see a pitbull with a docked tail, it’s not a breed standard, but a sign the pitbull injured its tail wagging too hard and it couldn’t heal because the pibby wouldn’t stop wagging, so they dock for safety. Literally pibbies are such happy dorks they wag their tails off.

    Posted 1/28/24 at 4:30pm.

    I think it’s really funny how I excuse drawing mostly women by saying “I’m not as good at men,” but I was just looking through all the 3D assets I’ve acquired and…it’s almost entirely hot girl stuff. lmao. I should be honest with myself that I just like looking at hot girls and that’s that.

    I haven’t done art commissions in a long time but I took on a Very Special Project for a friend of a friend, which has me going back into 3D. I have so much stuff. I forgot I actually know how to do this. I was getting pretty good at rigging and lighting scenes and stuff.

    I guess I wonder…how do people kinda…keep track of all the skills at their disposal as they age? I’m in my mid-30s and I’ve been obsessively following interests all over the show so long, I am getting to a point where I forget how much I know.

    Like…I used to know enough about fitness to pass a physical trainer test. Before that, I knew a *lot* about being a doula and lay midwife. I used to volunteer in women’s health counseling. I have learned crochet. I cartoon, I draw charcoal, I do 3D modeling and layout, a tiny bit of digital painting. I’ve got bits of some programming languages. Very technical with computers, even worked with mainframes in the past. Did facilities & maintenance a couple years. I still launch a new website every year or so. A construction class once. Lots of biology and botany! I’m a writer obviously. I can write very diverse styles and formats. I’ve researched tons of bizarre stuff like poisons, history, demonology, trauma care, etc. And whatever else I’ve forgotten! Parenting stuff? Baby stuff? I could probably still give lectures on any of the above subjects.

    It seems like by the time you hit your 50s or 60s, you must just be utterly *pouring* experience out your ears. Doesn’t it get to be A Lot? HOW DO YOU DO THIS?

    I’ve always laughed at the Sherlock Holmes “attic mind” thing where he’s like, I just throw away the stuff I don’t need to remember anymore. Obviously that’s not how brains work. But I kinda think you gotta be able to throw this stuff out somehow.

    Otoh, this makes me look at all my older friends with enormous heart-eyes because I’m like, omg, you guys must feel this too yeah? You guys must have EVEN MORE THAN ME. I want to sit at everyone’s feet and listen to them tell me about the specific cool stuff they know.

    Posted 1/28/24 at 8pm.

    Day Two of my weed free life has me LAUGHING that I was so scared to quit because so far it is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING compared to nicotine, lmao. I guess they really aren’t kidding when they say that nic is the second (third?) most addicting substance in the world. Wow, man. I kinda wanna go back in time two yearsish to when I quit nic and give myself some hugs. That Was Some Shit All Right. How does ANYONE do that.

    Posted 1/30/24 at 10am. Bluesky.

    I do not like football or Taylor Swift, but I am very reluctantly amused to watch the NFL learn they’re small potatoes compared to a pop star and learn to take the knee for her influence on the media.

    Ever since I read this paper about how sports constructs gender – and put it together with the kind of cis womanhood that is constructed by Taylor Swift’s brand – I suddenly understood why my nonbinary ass finds the whole thing annoying, though she is demonstrably as skilled as any artist I follow.

    I’m like, “Everyone says if you don’t like tswift, you’re sexist, but I don’t think I am? Am I sexist?” and kinda sat in that a while. But no, it’s just my general inability to have any interest in binary gender and the commercialization of it as such. Same thing that bounces me off a lotta romance.

    Hey! I just scrolled past another post describing what’s wrong with me if I dislike a music artist. “If you have a negative reaction towards her as a person, it’s because our society still goes after successful women in a way that men avoid.” There is a lot of simultaneous right and wrongness going on.

    Aside from being unable to grasp personal taste, the number of posts I see that act like taylor swift is somehow subversive is…staggering. I assume that people who think she’s subversive are living in very oppressed regions/cultures tbh. I must be coming from such a wildly different perspective.

    Her fanbase is so hostile, I have tried to just mute/block everything related to her name on platforms where that’s possible so I can try to know as little as possible, and hence Not Be A Negative Nelly, but it feels like I’m being beaten over the head with a club by this pop culture moment.

    All that said, I like tswift more than I like the nfl, reluctantly, given that she is the kind of person who would date Matty Healy, but she has given many fewer young men major brain trauma than the NFL. So i’m like, go ahead, Taylor, eat them up.

    Posted 2/1/24 at 8am.

    The injection for King’s cancer has gone *really* well. He seemed to feel so crappy the first couple days. The tumor got all bulging and swollen and black and gross. I think the mast cells were releasing crap into his body as they died off, and the steroids/antihistamines/etc could only do so much. He was very low.

    Yesterday the last of the tumor fell off. It just shriveled into a black raisin and disappeared (I don’t need to know what King did with it, let’s pretend it fell off). Now there is a hole on his stomach. Just a big round clean circle leading straight to muscle. Sounds gross, I know, but it’s *extremely* clean, great margins, no signs of infection whatsoever, inflammation reducing. And basically the instant the last of the tumor-raisin fell off, his mood improved 20,000%. He’s cheerful again!

    The circle is already constricting so I suspect it won’t be long before the tissue closes up and then it will mostly be a memory. We’ll keep an eye for more tumors obviously. Hopefully we won’t have to do this a lot in the future, but right now it’s looking really really good.

    Posted 2/1/24 at 9pm.

    Okay y’all. I’m now six days from quitting cannabis. I still feel stoned most of the time.

    THC, the complex of psychoactive compounds in cannabis, binds to fat cells. I gained sixty pounds from the low point of my eating disorder (I was hospitalized January 2020) through the depression of the pandemic. That means I gained sixty pounds while absolutely *slamming* sources of THC. That means I have sixty pounds of adipose tissue stuffed with it. I’ve been doing daily walks, and once I start walking, my body releases a bunch and it’s like I’ve taken a massive bong rip. I’m stupid and kinda stumbly. (I’m avoiding driving for now.)

    Also, your body makes a ton of receptors to accept the flood of chemicals that THC provides. Once you stop adding new sources of THC, there’s all these empty receptors weeping for neurotransmitters. It’s going to take a while for my body to regulate receptors to the amount of chemicals I produce endogenously (and I’m probably producing less endogenously at this point too).

    So basically, I feel foggy and stoned all the time, but also completely bereft, like my brain cannot get any traction. Weirdly, I am not really fighting with cravings. I don’t feel any urge to relapse. My mood is mostly okay. But I also just…kinda…don’t exist. Mentally. I’m spending so much time standing/sitting around staring at nothing.

    This reinforces that I’ve done the right thing, tbh, and realizing what a commitment it is to regain sobriety/clear brain makes me just wanna never use it again. I mean, you really do gotta pay the piper eventually.

    It’s really nice to be sobering up (sometimes I feel awake) and realize how much I’ve grown up, though. My eating disorder is a *lot* of the reason that I got into alcoholism, nicotine, and overuse of cannabis. Getting my eating disorder under control is easily one of the best things that has happened to me in my life, period, end of subject. I used to live as an enemy and stranger to myself, and I’m now so fully inside my body, perfectly happy with it, genuinely grateful, and I just don’t have all those difficult feelings that I used to run away from anymore. Having food become a source of cope and comfort and bonding with family was massive. I think I’m probably going to lose weight from quitting cannabis because I don’t have the munchies 24/7 anymore and I don’t even think of it as a benefit? I’m happy to just let my body rearrange into whatever.

    I feel really good. Just. Also completely empty, unmotivated, and almost braindead. lmao. It makes it hard to feed/hydrate/exercise myself, and I am struggling to remember my prescriptions, and that part will make me feel crappy. But everything else is a big gray blanket of nothingness.

    I was hoping to finish writing Fated for Firelizards in February but at this point I’m not married to it, just because I’m even less verbal than usual and I think recovery needs to be a priority.

  • facebook

    The crossroads of January ’24

    Posted on: 1/24/24 at 2pm. Facebook.

    Today I released ladybugs into my plant collections, as I periodically do, and I never get over the surprise at how LOUD ladybugs are.

    Loud, you ask? How is this possible?

    Imagine 1500 tiny cows climbing on top of a forest and falling off constantly. That’s how.

    Posted on: 1/25/24 at 4pm. Facebook.

    Doctor didn’t have appointment. Went to urgent care.

    Me: I have my biannual chest infection because I have asthma and I vape. I need prednisone.

    Physician’s assistant: Do you have any signs of sickness? Fever, sore throat, ear…? *doing all sorts of poking and listening*
    Me: No, I’m quite sure I just have a chest infection from the vaping.

    PA: OMG you absolutely cannot vape, you do not have the luxury, you cannot inhale anything but inhalers when you have asthma.

    Me: OMG nobody ever told me that before.

    PA: Really??

    Me: No.

    Nobody told me that getting lectured by young-20s medical professionals would get more annoying as I get older.

    I know she’s right; I know everyone who has told me this is right. I quit nicotine, I quit alcohol, I even quit my eating disorder (and boy was that an Everest). I know I’m gonna quit vaping everything else someday. I think about quitting every single day, and I do not because I am waging some internal war that I have yet to win. A twenty-whatever doctor telling me, “You cannot vape,” does absolutely nothing to help me win that battle? Because here I am, right now, writing this post and vaping, and even though I “cannot” and “don’t have the luxury” somehow we’re still going.

    It’s like when my midwife told me I needed to stop gaining weight so fast in pregnancy. Like…I was struggling with crushing depression, unable to be medicated because I was pregnant, feeling constantly awful, and had absolutely no way of regulating my diet or exercise while I was going through the mental health chaos storm of pregnancy. But they tell you you’re supposed to stop gaining weight like someone telling you that is the ~magic switch~ they can flip.

    Give me resources to help me quit vaping weed, give me actual medically based suggestions for winning against my impulse control, or give me the dignity of silence because the alternatives do not help at all.

    At least I got the prednisone though!

    Posted on: 1/26/24 at 9am. Facebook.

    Today King is getting his Stelfonta injection for a cutaneous non-metastatic mast cell tumor on his left mammary chain. It will cause mast cell degranulation. He won’t feel very good, so he’s on a lot of antihistamines and steroids, which also don’t make him feel great tbh.

    I just keep reflecting on how much it sucks that King, who is fully our sweet little family member, so important to us, never has done anything wrong in his darn life, cannot possibly understand what is happening to him or why he has to feel bad. I know it’s just EMOTIONS but I jump straight to “welp this how we know there’s no god.”

    Please turn your thoughts toward healthy vibes for King: hoping that this falls off in totality, he heals without infection, and we don’t get any more tumors for a long while. They are very common in his breed but he’s only five years old.

    Posted on: 1/26/24 at 3pm. Bluesky.

    every time Scott Adams exists perceptibly, I remember writing him a hate email when I was like 12. he actually responded to me. I was so confused as to why he was even reading hate mail from kids, much less responding, lmao.

    (I loved Dilbert and I was REALLY disappointed to learn his politics)

    my hate mail was honestly not really hate mail, but as argumentative as i always am and can never resist being. i had seen some anti-gay writing of his (iirc) and i wanted to break down the errors in his logic because, well, i loved dilbert so I Should Fix Scott Adams.

    Perhaps it’s more confusing why I thought a cartoonist *wouldn’t* read all his email. I guess in my head, the guy in the funnies was the biggest celebrity ever, so I was actually just criticizing his viewpoints into a void. I did not respond to his response because it was just weird. ahahaha

    leave it to a 12yo to yell at an adult online, and then when the adult yells back, just kinda say “lol loser” and wander off picking her nose

    i guess the point of this story is that i’m amazed a fragile racist who can’t draw is still around, existing perceptibly.

    perhaps a secondary point is that i have not changed, at all, and i will probably be 112 years old continuing to pick small debates with people in the hopes i can improve their politics/compassion/art

    Posted on: 1/26/24 at 9pm. Facebook.

    I decided it’s time to quit-quit cannabis, period. I’m just not a guy who can moderate. If I keep at edibles, I’m gonna get back to vaping, and I need to take my lung health seriously. So that’s that. You win, 20-something doctor who told me to quit yesterday. I will prioritize asthma.

    I’m nervous because I have been on this stuff so long, I associate its use with…everything in my life. Yanno? I bet a few of you know. But I don’t even “need” the benefits anymore (I have grown so much) so it’s time.

    Considering I’ve quit nicotine before, this is gonna be easy-peasy, right? I went through months of mental chaos and sweating and itching and sleeplessness with that. This one can’t be like that. My brain’s just gonna be really confused for a minute and I need to reprogram associations. I can do it. NBD. Um.

    I already sent my husband around to grab all my stuff and throw it out so I’m already without Stuff. I’m gonna do it. I’m not losing my friend the happy herb; I’m losing frequent chest infections and gaining happy lungs.

    Posted on: 1/27/24 at 8am. Facebook.

    When I quit nicotine, I did a ton of reading about how it works, how it clears from your system, and how to manage withdrawal symptoms. There is a LOT of support for quitting nicotine – I’m sure because it’s been a public health problem since, idk, they were throwing cartons at soldiers in WWII, and we really really know how this goes.

    I’m frustrated trying to find the same information about cannabis. It probably doesn’t exist because, until recently, its classification as a drug precluded most studies. Everything surrounding it is community apocrypha, and for some reason, going off cannabis has been claimed by the same right-wing aesthetes who thought you should eat Kellogg’s cereal to stop masturbating in the 1940s. I’m not kidding. You can find a bunch of *total* *nonsense* that will ultimately link you back to places like Prager U.

    No thank you, I’m staying a leftist hippie and I don’t need fascism to give my life order, you predatory nards.

    So I tried Allen Carr’s Easyway book, since a lot of people like it for nicotine, but the version for cannabis is just…so wrong about cannabis? I can’t get over the recurring claim that cannabis itself does not have an effect, but rather that it relieves the discomfort of withdrawal. That’s how nicotine works: It doesn’t really make you feel better, but once you’re dependent on it, you’ll feel worse whenever you don’t have it. Cannabis actually does do a lot. The whole complex of THC molecules is fascinating.

    That doesn’t mean it’s not possible to develop a maladaptive behavioral relationship! We can even call it addiction if you want. But I find myself totally unwilling to take advice from a book that seems to be lying to me. They’re like, if you take it only once every three weeks, you are still ENSLAVED TO THE DEMON. I’m like, have you ever used weed? lmao.

    The reason it’s hard to quit weed (imo) is that it’s a big nothingburger with very few consequences and it’s genuinely nice. Like, who doesn’t want that? Asthmatics, that’s who. And people who live in places where you can only travel by car. I don’t drive stoned so I don’t go anywhere. I want to go places again. I want to breathe. That’s it. Those are big essential things, but it’s not because weed is a demon, and it’s *hilarious* trying to treat it that way.

    I mean, objectively hilarious. If you’ve ever seen Reefer Madness, you know that people have been talking nonsense unscientific crap about cannabis for generations. Stoners have learned to fully ignore people who have no idea what they’re talking about. I spent eight dollars to read a book by someone who has no idea what he’s talking about. lol.

    I suppose this means I just have to do this the old fashioned way: cluelessly. I found it helpful to understand the timeline of nicotine withdrawal symptoms, but that’s not gonna happen with cannabis. I’m just going to have to feel bad and keep feeling bad until I feel better again. The end.

    My best guess is that my dopamine pathways are screwed up, so I won’t be able to enjoy anything for maybe a month (which is how long it typically takes to “pee clean” with cannabis) and I’m gonna sleep real bad this week. Expect me to flop around on the internet acting depressed a lot.