• resembles nonfiction

    In Defense of Being a Snooty Crank

    I don’t often love movies, TV, or books earnestly. It does happen occasionally – my obsession over Scavengers Reign is intense – but I’m someone who gets the most enjoyment out of critical dissection.

    I’ve grown up in an era of American anti-intellectualism where I can’t go five steps without meeting disdain for anything with literary aspirations, and people often defend stuff *for* being brainless rather than despite it. Sympathy for the palliative effects of mindless media should subsume other concerns. Hence, folks have always said that if you don’t like the popular thing, you are [insert various insults here]. Elitist? Sexist? A jerk? Whatever.

    With these influences, I used to think my preference to engage with media critically is because I’m a big snooty crank who doesn’t want people to have fun.

    The experience is a little more complicated.

    With recent autism diagnoses in the family, and seeing neuropsychologist analyses of the exact pathology of our brain miswiring, it’s become obvious how much of my disability is social. Humans are social animals, so disrupting social functions (like emotional regulation, filtering one’s language to be appropriate, and bonding with a social group) is kind of a big deal, and it manifests in multitude ways.

    You might have already noticed my vocabulary trends over-formal or -complicated on one end of the spectrum; on the other end, I can get extremely crass, un-punctuated, and messy. I switch based on the tone in which I intend to speak rather than situational appropriateness, which I find difficult to meter.

    It also means that I struggle to “hook into” popular things. Something that is very popular socially (say, Taylor Swift) will generally clear a bar on quality where there’s no big criticisms to be made on craft, so it’s easy to fall in love with the work because everyone you know loves it. It’s fun! Everyone’s having a good time!

    Because my personal tastes skew esoteric, and I can’t feel part of any in-group, I don’t get pulled into the fervor. And then I get frustrated because everyone is talking about something I can’t genuinely enjoy.

    With repeated exposures to something popular – Barbenheimer, the TikTok book du jour, American football – I find it difficult to avoid having *any* opinion about something that was not intended for me, does not appeal to me, and sometimes is overtly offensive. Billions in advertising dollars have been spent to make sure that certain things remain in my face.

    Likewise, the conversations are omni-present. The internet water cooler always wants to talk about something I don’t like, and I live on the internet water cooler. Nobody likes having something they love criticized. But as a social animal, any sort of social interaction is better than none, even if it’s a bit antipathetic.

    I’d live and let live if all that stuff would let me go. There are fewer places to escape these advertising machines than ever. It makes me wonder if I belong on the internet at all anymore, sometimes.

    ~

    Another fun feature of autism is moral rigidity. Also, a rigid adherence to rules, which may or may not be rules that anyone other than the autistic individual is familiar with.

    One of my Special Interests is the intersection of media analysis with social justice. I believe fiercely that stories are one of the oldest social technologies that humans have, and must be wielded consciously for the good of humanity; I take my art very seriously. I’d prefer to think of myself alongside the likes of radical author-activists of previous generations than think of myself as a content creator for the internet.

    While I want to entertain foremost (since that’s core to the technology), I also have a whole lot to say, and I find that I say it best in fiction. I like people. Humans are my favorite animals. I hate systems and hierarchies. I want to help other people see how the problem is always a ruling class, not the individuals, and how working together can save us.

    I receive negativity expressing these ambitions, too. Because every feisty opinion I share *feels* like it’s In Defense of Humans, Opposed to Hierarchies, I’m always baffled and wounded by the reactions and find myself incapable of communicating context effectively.

    Somehow, this does nothing to discourage me. My brain has welded together art and morality. I’m wired to love this much more than I would love acceptance.

    It also means I have a negative reaction to media with lower ambitions, sometimes. I don’t mean that the project aspires to be simpler. I mean lower ambitions, like making a project so bland as to appease a fascist model. I mean putting no hint of soul into something humans spent hours of their lives creating, and will spend hours more consuming.

    When people are Just Having Fun with the Popular Thing, it’s pretty offensive that I would be Mister Buzzkillington about it because I think the creator has (say) a painfully white heteronormative lens in subservience to the capitalist machine of advertising.

    I get why people don’t like that I do that! I don’t love it either.

    And yet here we are.

    ~

    These priorities have put me into a place where I can sometimes *love* media that is badly made, in poor taste, and broadly disliked, but somehow interesting to me. But might have nothing good to say about something very popular that treads extremely dull ground.

    Sometimes, I can jump in on bandwagons by engaging critically. It allows me to pick apart a given piece of media and say, “These parts work for me. These parts don’t. This is why.”

    The effort it requires to tease apart creator intent and execution, meaning and impact, and all those other elements that go into a finished product–that can be fascinating to me regardless of the finished product. Every single story has a story behind it. No movie is produced in total isolation; no book is published without cultural influence and without responding to some call from another book.

    Which might help answer the question nobody was asking: “Why do you have such developed opinions on something you don’t like?”

    Because reaching the opinion is the entertaining part. Sometimes the *only* entertaining part.

    But hey, I’m enjoying the thing you’re enjoying, too. Just from a different angle. Isn’t that kinda nice?

    ~

    The cover of the book Twilight, for no particular reason.

    Sometimes something I find terrible for xyz reasons will be *so* interesting that I’ll get hooked and become a Hate-Fan.

    I could write essays about the terrible things I’ve loved before.

    Venom 2: Let There Be Carnage, I’m looking at you.

    Hate-fanning might not be ideal, but I see no harm in the practice with healthy boundaries. Getting wrapped up in the criticism is no good if the criticism makes you feel bad.

    We’ve got a toxic outrage culture surrounding pseudo-criticism right now, especially on YouTube. If you want to talk about places that eviscerate low-intensity media in bad faith, you can go type the name of any movie starring a woman and “review” into the search bar and catapult yourself into algorithmic Hell.

    Toxicity is great for clicks. It’s really bad for your soul.

    Well, my soul anyway. I’m basically just a weird lil crochet mummy these days. I don’t want anything but good vibes in my zone.

    I defend the ability to find joy in dissecting media. I don’t defend being aggressive about it, or any part of the algorithm machines to which the internet is enslaved, but I defend the value in taking an intellectual approach to all the art we engage with. An intellectual approach should never delegitimize the emotional approach; we don’t harsh others’ mellows, kinkshame, or diminish folks for enjoying something no matter how problematic it might be.

    There is a difference between “this is a terrible, racist movie” and “everyone who loves this movie is terrible and racist,” and we’ve completely lost that nuance in the clickbait era of the internet.

    There is room for grouchy, snooty, intellectualist cranks like me.

    Having an opinion isn’t a big deal. You know, with boundaries.

  • sara reads the feed

    Sara Reads the Feed #3

    I’m currently getting my dopamine pathways hijacked by writing movie reviews, but I also love rewatching movies in quick succession. So what do I do when I watch something like 9 to 5 once, write a review, and then watch it again the next day? My initial review was sort of a recap, so going into the meatier themes that made me love the flick seemed about right.

    I’ve been having my dopamine pathways hijacked and re-hijacked a lot lately. Earlier this year I got hijacked by a project in Adobe InDesign; that was knocked out of place by an abrupt obsession with crochet on July 31st; I was seized by an interactive fiction project in September that I now have minimal motivation to finish; modding Skyrim took over my dopamine pathways when I lost the novelty of drawing dragon flong.

    Hence I do recognize that my desire to write movie reviews, and blog posts in general, especially the kind you’re reading right now, is just another rollercoaster ride for my poor stupid golden retriever dopamine pathways.

    Since we’ve established this relationship is frail and will vanish at the drop of a molecule, let’s get into the RSS reader.

    ~

    Her Hands, My Hands read one of the urban fantasy classics, First Grave on the Right. Great commentary.

    Is it a classic if it was published 13 years ago? It was everywhere 13 years ago. But that was the beginning of my career, and that feels like old-timey days now.

    ~

    RBmedia released a list of the bestselling audiobooks of the year.

    ~

    I wonder if deciding to remove dog meat from South Korean menus is as good as it sounds, or if it’s a complicated expression of the increasing Westernization of the region. I’ve never eaten it. That would be insane from my cultural perspective. Is it from theirs? I wonder what is lost when a traditional food source is banned.

    That said, despite my frequent threats to turn my French bulldog into French onion bulldog soup, I still like dogs better than people and I’m not sad to think of more living dogs.

    ~

    Why are Millennials still attached to American Girl?

    Parts of this article seem like they might be worthy of consideration, particularly when the opinion comes from outside the article.

    Brit Bennett, in her 2015 Paris Review essay on Addy, asks, “If a doll exists on the border between person and thing, what does it mean to own a doll that represents an enslaved child who once existed on that same border?” Such complexity, even uneasiness, was how the brand thrived.

    But other parts of the article get my eyebrows lifting.

    Almost all dolls prepare girls to perform womanhood. Baby dolls ready them for mothering; Barbies for being sexual objects. Rowland’s twin innovations—a multifaceted, highly detailed consumer universe paired with a doll that was herself a girl—invited girls to perform themselves.

    I never once mothered a baby doll in my life, but my baby dolls used to make out with other baby dolls in the closet a lot. My Barbies were up to some weird brainwashing scheme. I really, really don’t think I’m unusual in this experience. One weird assumption like this makes me disengage, honestly.

    Maybe it’s as simple as the fact that everyone loves nostalgia, American Girl dolls are easier to buy once you’re a grownup, and some Millennials are at the point where we can get fancy frivolous things for ourselves.

    Since I mostly played with 12- and 18-inch fashion dolls as a kid, the sheer size of American Girl dolls was the main source of my interest. They take up a lot of room. I ended up buying a custom boy American Girl for my kid when he was small and the creepy thing lurks in a closet somewhere.

    ~

    Karen Gillan still hasn’t managed to escape Steven Moffatt’s writing.

    ~

    Swedish dockworkers are refusing to unload Teslas at ports in broad boycott move.

    I love this for them.

    ~

    Very specific rules around breastfeeding videos mean they can be monetized on YouTube again. I don’t even know how to start unpacking the levels of Bothered I am about this whole entire subject. I breastfed for over six years straight between two children. There’s a major rift in intergenerational knowledge surrounding breastfeeding which communities are still trying to heal. So yeah, folks need videos to help them. But we still have to get really specific about what kind of videos can get compensated for views, just in case there was some nipple and someone might be able to fetishize that? Oh, and make sure there’s a child in the shot. That helps somehow.

    I hate tech companies. I miss nursing.

    ~

    So…Hugh Grant as an Oompa Loompa is another one I could pick apart for days.

    The origin of Oompa Loompas is not as some random magical orange humans. (link is a PDF)

    In his 1964 book Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Roald Dahl depicts the iconic Oompa-Loompas as African Pygmy people. […] In Dahl’s 1973 revision of this text he depicts the Oompa-Loompas as white.

    Cocoa’s production is troubling, so there’s some cognitive dissonance in seeing a wealthy English actor pout over someone stealing his cocoa beans.

    Not to mention that changing Hugh Grant’s proportions means they didn’t cast a little person. Here’s a statement made in regards to a past movie:

    A rep for “Little People of America” tells TMZ, the entertainment industry should be actively casting little people.

    The rep adds, “This means both casting people with dwarfism as characters that were specifically written to be played by little people … and other roles that would be open to people of short stature.”

    I’m not sure how many people were actually at risk of seeing yet another Willy Wonka movie, but I’m not, and this doesn’t change the maths.

  • image credit: 20th Century Fox
    movie reviews,  resembles nonfiction

    Five Lessons from Nine to Five (1980)

    Aside from providing us with one heck of an ear worm, Nine to Five remains equally relevant forty-three years after it hit movie screens. Well, maybe not as relevant in regards to the sheer volume of perms, but we forgive the Eighties. (Banner image credit: 20th Century Fox)

    So much could be said about the enormous talent of the actresses leading the ensemble. Lily Tomlin is so good at doing that thing where she looks harmless while murdering you. Jane Fonda’s physical comedy gets me cackling every time. And Dolly Parton. Oh, Dolly, Dolly, Dolly… The word effervescent was surely coined to describe the way she fizzles like the inch of air above a fresh pour of Coke.

    The three of them together are so talented. There’s no excuse for the volume of entirely un-feminist thoughts I have in their direction. But I am basically a useless sapphic who will find excuses to praise any cast led by women (I’m just being honest here), so what really gets me revved over Nine to Five is the politics. Those juicy, delicious politics.

    You could only get such a powerful, radical message befitting THE Jane Fonda if you drape it in enough silliness to pass muster. Like Chaucer, Nine to Five is here to show us a thing or two while having fun. Labor reform driven by the working class has never been such a hoot.

     

    1. Don’t believe the lies that divide us.

    At first, Parton’s character is isolated by rumors she’s mistress to the boss. It’s easy to believe a woman so beautiful is easy, right? That lie is spread by her boss, who likes the appearance of masculine virility and doesn’t give a crap about a married working woman’s reputation, much less her dignity.

    Doralee is being predated by Hart, but he’s stripped her of any protection she might enjoy from coworkers. It’s a shame because Violet also rankles at his harassment. Only once they let the walls down and realize they’re on the same team can they get up to the good shenanigans.

     

    2. Bravery is contagious.

    Nobody likes working in a miserable place, afraid of being noticed by the boss, constantly on edge in fear of a verbal dressing-down. Small missteps can mean major upheaval, like losing one’s entire job for holding the wrong conversation. On a day-to-day basis, everyone is just trying to get along and pay the bills.

    Yet as soon as one person throws down with the boss, she meets another willing to do the same, and another. Our three heroines can be braver after seeing the bravery of one another. And they’re admired by other coworkers for this, too.

    The instant they connect and start talking, they get stronger.

     

    3. Women (and labor) should stand in solidarity.

    Every woman in the movie is pretty rad, aside from the pick-me Roz, who commits a mortal sin: she is not on Team Women. She is the eyes, ears, nose, and throat of The Boss. Like Marthas and Aunts, she serves to enforce an abusive status quo, hoping it will earn her favor.

    Roz busts the faintest hints of a union by getting a woman fired for discussing salaries in the bathroom. She also reports our heroines to the boss. Still, the worst the other women do to Roz is help her get a French lesson.

    You can learn a thing or two about narrative approval from this. The screenplay itself totally lacks misogyny. Hart’s wife is a genuinely nice person who has her whole heart in an undeserving place. She praises Doralee’s beauty and expresses such gratitude for the flowers. Too bad Doralee seems to stay with her husband because I was feeling the vibes between the two of them.

     

    4. A more livable workplace benefits everybody.

    The movie wasn’t spinning tall tales with those memos showing the many benefits of workplace support, like day cares. Accommodations for flexible schedules make it easier for people with disabilities, families, or a life outside work (the audacity) to contribute productively. And yeah, this kind of thing shoots productivity through the roof, which businesses should love.

    A world where people have jobs that respect their humanity is beneficial to the people and the jobs.

    Yet the bosses in this movie rankle against such measures. Clearly it’s not statistics they’re worried about. They like having the power.

     

    5. Cruelty isn’t the entire point, but it’s a lot.

    Getting to act cruel is one of the rewards of a system that provides few pleasures. Does Hart really seem happy to you? Has all that money left him contented? I mean, does a happy man have reason to dread his wife, assault his secretary, and plan his schedule to avoid his life outside work? No, Hart has leapfrogged up the hierarchy specifically because he likes the sadism. He is bettered by trying to make others worse.

    Masculine power plays are razor-edged veils for deep insufficiency.

    You’ve probably seen a boss act like that at some point in your life.

    Beautifully, gorgeously, 9 to 5 also reminds us that punching up isn’t cruelty. Threatening the man who sexually assaults you with a gun isn’t cruelty. Hanging a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot from your garage door opener when he misbehaves isn’t cruelty. And that might be the greatest lesson of all.

  • sara reads the feed

    Sara Reads the Feed #2

    Yesterday was so much fun. I watched a ton of movies while weaving, which is so much slower for me than crochet. I can’t put my finger on why it takes so long, nor why I find it dissatisfying, yet I keep picking up that cheap little lap loom to keep adding rows.

    It’s not as fun as crochet but it’s Good Enough on days when my hands/arms/shoulders/chest muscles have had enough of punching a hook through tightly-woven heavy-weight acrylic and I clearly need a rest. Who knew I’d have to treat crochet like heavy lifting sometimes? In terms of recovery, anyway.

    Didn’t I mention I was watching movies? I was about to *stop* watching movies when I decided to do one more before bed. On a whim, I tossed Four Christmases on the tv, and I loved it. I never would have picked that of my own volition. What a treat!

    Of course the world is still outside and my feed is on fire. Shall we read a bit?

    ~

    One side-effect of COVID I wouldn’t have expected? It slowed work toward ending tuberculosis. Nonetheless, doctors are getting closer to the end of TB, and they think we’ll see it in this generation.

    ~

    I am not a global policy wonk but I’m guessing that Biden and Xi finding a pleasant place in US/China relations is good news for general stability, especially during war in Ukraine and Gaza.

    When asked if he would still describe Xi as a dictator, Biden said (to paraphrase): “Yeah, because communists have dictators.

    There are plenty of people in power who see democracy and communism as enemies of one another. Folks can’t escape conflating One Particular Execution of Political System with the Whole Political System. I argue that America doesn’t look real good in its execution of democracy either. Our leadership is so old, they’re still waving McCarthyist era flags, and that’s a *real* bad era for democracy. In America, communism is China’s or Cuba’s dictatorships.

    This is on my mind because I was talking to someone in the Boomer generation about her knee-jerk response to words like communism and socialism. A whole generation conditioned to jerkaknee over something so hard, they’ll kick anyone who says, “Maybe public ownership can be better than private ownership in some situations?” There’s minimal room for nuanced discussion about systems of governance that might do more for the social contract America is failing to fulfill.

    ~

    My first and favorite talking point about usage of the computer stuff we market as AI is “we need consenting and compensated inclusion in data sets.” Which is to say, I think ‘AI’ can be cool when everyone has agreed to be involved. I still have gross feelings about YouTube’s AI song thing, but that’s probably because my next few talking points are about the ecological impact, practices which continue aggregating wealth at the top, and “how much synthetic media do we really need?”

    I do respect how much *fun* AI can be to play with, especially for non-artists, so this is probably in that vein.

    ~

    The Crown is back. Before I try it again, I’m going to need a LOT of good reviews saying they treated Diana right. They whiffed it in season 5.

    ~

    For kids in crisis, it’s getting harder to find long-term residential treatment.

    Intermountain parents and staff were shocked when the facility announced suddenly at the end of the summer that it would close its doors this fall, blaming staffing shortages. […] Megan Stokes recently worked as executive director of the National Association of Therapeutic Schools and Programs. She thinks staff shortages are not the full story regarding Intermountain’s troubles.

    “We are seeing a lot of long-term facilities moving to what they call the short-term, intensive outpatient,” she says. “You’re able to get insurance money easier.”

    Too many families are suffering unsupported in this country. Many folks are stuck at home in a situation where they can’t provide safe and appropriate care for their children.

    Healthcare reform would help a lot of people. I want to see insurers out of the game entirely and medicine made nonprofit. Unrealistic, I know, because there is private insurance even in places like Canada and the UK, but that shouldn’t be the endgame goal.

    We have to keep talking about the silent tragedies happening to families all around us right now because they’re too busy to tell us they need help.

    ~

    Sega in America is accused of union-busting via layoffs.

    ~

    Shadow & Bone was cancelled by Netflix. I’m sad on one hand – I loved the first season, and all the Darkling/Alina fics that spawned from it are *my* Reylo. On the other hand, I didn’t get through the second season and kinda completely hated it. Would I want to hate a third season? No, but if this kills my flow of filthy fanfic, I’m gonna get grumpy.

    Unfortunately, that also means no Six of Crows spinoff.

    ~

    Jon Stewart versus China continues? This thing has been weird for a while.

    ~

    “Can we please stop shooting things in space?” ask private space companies. “It’s hard to fly around the debris.”

    Russia shot down one of its older satellites, Kosmos 1408, with a Nudol missile launched from the ground. The test, intended to demonstrate Russia’s capability to shoot down assets in space, showered more than 1,500 pieces of debris into low-Earth orbit. This has forced the International Space Station and Chinese Tiangong station to perform avoidance maneuvers, along with many private and government-owned satellites.

    Russia is not the only country to perform such tests. India recently did so, and in the more distant past, China and the US have also demonstrated such capabilities.

    ~

    You can read an excerpt from Tananarive Due’s new book, The Reformatory, on Tor.com.

  • a french bulldog sitting at a laptop
    sara reads the feed

    Sara Reads the Feed #1

    Happy Wednesday. It’s a quiet week in the House of Reine. We put up the Christmas tree (this is late for us) and I’ve been enjoying my holiday turn toward romance- and comedy-themed movies. I watch a lot of the same movies every year, even if I hate them, which is how you end up with me developing an entire standup routine my family must endure whenever I watch Love Actually again.

    I try to have an RSS feed reader that keeps me scrolling through hundreds of articles a day across many sites – that way I get a broad look at things and don’t get bogged down on Reddit. It seems it might be fun to read the feed “together” and round up some snippets of my commentary on the articles as we go.

    ~

    Meta calls for legislation to require parental approval for teens’ app downloads.

    I don’t love anything that puts walls between youths and the potential support and information of the internet. Parents’ best interests are not always the kids’ best interests. Kids who are queer, abused, or otherwise reluctant to share everything with their parents deserve to be able to find community elsewhere. Sometimes the internet is the only place that can happen.

    It seems like Meta doesn’t want to engage with their audience-manipulating practices; they want to put the onus on safety elsewhere, even if that’s going to make youths more vulnerable whether they get on the site or not. It’s fine for Instagram to manipulate people as long as adults give the thumbs up, right?

    ~

    Workers Unionize at Drawn & Quarterly, Vaunted Literary Graphic Novel Publisher.

    It’s wonderful seeing how unions standing together are inspiring more unions to do the same. The labor movement historians called as a likely follow-up to this pandemic continues to gather momentum.

    While “working with the publishing team and D&Q authors is a joy,” one publishing assistant, commenting under condition of anonymity, said in a statement, “we often work long hours and engage with the comics industry outside of our jobs because we are passionate about bringing excellent comics to readers without additional compensation. While there are lots of opportunities to take on more responsibilities and learn more skills in the publishing office, there are rarely paths to promotion for assistants. It’s hard to see or commit to a future if there are not transparent conversations about what all our learning and acquired skills might lead to.”

    I hope the workers get what they’re asking for.

    ~

    Like Obamacare that way: Benefits from Biden’s infrastructure bill sinking in.

    People generally like the impacts of Biden’s infrastructure bill.

    Still, some polls show Biden trailing Trump.

    Many Americans have always supported fascism. The ability to own, control, and destroy other humans is core to the foundation of the United States of America. Until we honestly reconcile this history and contemporary reality, we’re going to have plenty of enthusiastic grassroots support for getting fascist strongmen in charge.

    That’s why the popularity of Biden’s infrastructure bill isn’t necessarily salient to the election. The fascist right has an unchanging base. Meanwhile, other Americans can see our own history and know that the center-right incrementalism of the Democratic party is worse than treading water unless we have serious reform against corruption.

    I’m optimistic that the aforementioned labor movement could give rise to new leadership with a genuine eye for reform, but I don’t really have anything to back up that feeling except my dreamy wish it would happen.

    ~

    It’s been 10 years since Batkid. He’s now fifteen-years-old and healthy. That’s so nice.

    ~

    Who in the world wants this? Edith Piaf AI-Generated Biopic is in the works at Warner Music.

    The film will be narrated by an AI-generated facsimile of Piaf’s voice and promises to “uncover aspects of her life that were previously unknown.”

    “Animation will provide a modern take on her story, while the inclusion of archival footage, stage and TV performances, personal footage and TV interviews will provide audiences with an authentic look at the significant moments of Piaf’s life,” the music company said in announcing the project.

    It’s hard to imagine how artificial narrative would be superior to human narrator. Since the estate is involved, it’s not like anyone else has the right to tell them no, but I suppose audiences will determine whether they prefer a resurrected Piaf or La Vie en Rose.

  • a photo of a Cynopterus brachyotis specimen
    Diaries,  facebook

    I am in shape. Potato-on-stilts is a shape.

    I gained a lot of weight in the last 3.5 years, went from US size 4 to a size 16, and it’s funny how my internet now advertise ~plus size clothes~ to me aggressively. i feel incredibly normal sized at size 16 but the ads are like “Hey fatty! Want clothes for your FATNESS? You can still look hot EVEN IF YOU ARE A FAT FATTY” Also, diet products. SO MANY DIET PRODUCTS.

    It’s wild because at size 16, I feel incredibly normal and I’m within the average spectrum of sizes in my community. I am a 35 year old woman, mother of two, who does not leave her house right now; my body is very suitable for my circumstances. I am five foot ten and around two hundred pounds. Most men would not consider themselves overweight at these proportions, particularly when they do as much house work as I do. It is only women who must feel insufficient because we dared to stop counting calories.

    Capitalism hopes that changing in this way has completely flipped my identity around. I now need to identify as a PLUS SIZE GIRRRRL who wants to DRESS FOR MY CURRRVES (I support women who do this, you’re all really hot, marry me). Personally I dress so that I look like an eldritch witch-elf lurking in my house, like a trap spider, hoping to eat anyone who passes nearby. I do this at all dress sizes.

    And oh my god, the absurd diet/exercise products. I know more about diet & exercise than folks at my eating disorder hospitalization program did (you know how intense I am about crochet now? I was that intense about diet/fitness for 10 years) and I know exactly how ridiculous, injurious, and foolish these ads are. They seem so predatory, too. They are trying to bite at one of the most vulnerable places on my hide.

    Whether it’s “buy your way to pseudo-empowerment” or “fix yourself” nonsense, all I get out of this is that I might have grown in my relationship with body image, but society is still *really really* sick.

    Also I’m not always happy with my body’s aesthetics, but I’ve become a big fan of Body Neutrality. This is just me. I’m not going to hurt myself to change it. Ads aren’t going to talk me into hurting myself to change it. I’m fine.

    I kinda hate curvy fashion because none of it fits me. I’m an apple body type. If I didn’t mostly gain weight in my waist, I’d be two dress sizes smaller. They always think women will have big butts, big hips, big boobs, and then…any waist, whatsoever. I don’t have a waist! I’m not made that way! So I buy this stuff, and it cinches around my waist then looks like saggy diaper butt. Capitalism, if you want me to spend money on this stuff, you will have to make things that actually fit me. I’m going to keep wearing witchy muumuus.

  • Diaries,  facebook,  slice of life

    Annie’s Retirement Years

    I am now nursing a fourth pet through her end of life…the first three in 2019, 2020, and 2021, all in a row. I guess the thing that strikes me about the death process is how it *is* a process. For two of my animals who took longer to fade (the others were very ill and went quickly in the end), it’s a lot of slow up and down. Good pain days, bad pain days. Sometimes foggier than others.

    It was really hard going through this with my dog Ichabod because he had dementia, too. He mentally slipped away from us quite a while before he actually died. I kept nursing him as long as he was enjoying food, but even petting became uncomfortable for him, and he started having seizures.

    His death was my last relapse on alcohol. It was soooo bad. I abruptly quit nicotine and the mix of grief/withdrawal just sent me straight into clear liquor, and I got my own seizure when I realized that was stupid and stopped abruptly. (Don’t do that.) God, I was an absolute mess that winter. (Don’t feel too bad for me; I am okay, I immediately picked myself up and went to college for a couple semesters. Like I’m super rugged and committed to being gentler with myself.)

    I’ve had two years to chew on the enormity of my feelings about Ichabod’s death, and everything I learned/felt taking care of a canine dementia patient. It was truly just a time of such utter love and grief. Intimacy. Raw loss.

    Little sweet old Annie is taking me back, though. She’s been my obnoxious drooly best friend for sixteen years. This cat, she has never known the word “no” to mean anything. And everything she wants is affection. Human affection, to be clear. When she had more energy, she would not stay out of my face/hands for HOURS, no matter how many times I set her aside, and she has this dreadful drooling thing so it was MESSY.

    Annie’s also a big poo-starter with other cats. I don’t know why, since we watch all our cats closely, we’re literate in body language, we seldom saw actual conflicts between them. But something about Annie was so loathsome to the other cats when she was younger. She was the outsider of the household colony, firmly glued to humans. The sassiest little tortoiseshell with a crispy dragon-baby meow.

    Nowadays she has a Retirement Room. The spare bedroom has everything she needs, and she doesn’t have to compete for resources anymore. Her unpopularity paired with her growing weakness means she gets whatever she wants in a hundred square feet of cat luxury.

    Her body aches so she can’t clean herself well, but I brush her gently with a boar’s hair brush and wipe her greasy face. She has a gigantic tumor on her shoulder we decided not to remove because she’s been fading a while anyway (although I have doubts about this a lot), so I try to wash that and keep it clean too. She gets daily visits from the family. It’s a pretty nice retirement.

    This is one of her low weeks, though. I can see she is more uncomfortable. She loves cuddling, but her mood isn’t as…warm? I can just see the edge to it, and cats don’t really show pain, so she must be feeling it. All the heating pads and cbd in the cat food can only do so much. It is getting cold. I will keep brushing her for now.

    I don’t think I want her to have to stick it out as long as Ichabod did, but it’s a hard choice when she’s still very much mentally Annie.