another walk in darkness

had a really nice walk this morning before sunrise. it was warmish despite being late-October and very dark, pitch black but maybe 45f with barely a breeze. i could actually feel the knots inside my skull coming undone bit by bit. walking through utter darkness in autumn is a purgative act.

my head’s been messy lately. nothing is meaningfully wrong. i am struggling with isolation. i’m homeschooling, parenting, crocheting, writing, drawing, programming, gardening, and therefore always busy, but almost never leave the house. it is painful somehow.

i’m far from idle in this idyll, no wordplay intended, but even when i’m doing a lot of really happy fulfilling stuff, it is psychologically difficult to be confined. i am immune compromised. i’ve been socially distanced a long time. haven’t really traveled. just at home, being domestic/artistic.

it feels like there should be absolutely nothing to complain about, and yet my head gets twisted up in all the ugliest knots anyway unless i actually physically move my body around, go outside, walk, exchange casual greetings with neighbors. I don’t even need that much! but I get so agoraphobic.

i like walking in the dark. it eases my agoraphobia. i didn’t even wear my glasses. there wasn’t anything to see except some distant street lights. just kept to the sidewalks/paved trails and moved through space, unseen and unseeing, under blurry starlight

a couple livestock guardian dogs heard me and came to bark at the fence along one part of the trail. they were VERY BIGUNDO SCARY BARKS. but i used my soothing baby voice to say good morning and praise them for being such good guards and then they got quiet and followed me to the end of the farm lol

i love dogs!!!! they are so good to their goat friends. those goats have nothing to worry about with such great big scary shaggy protectors.

it is those small moments that break up my day that my soul absolutely *needs* and yet i often find so hard to get ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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