Posted on 3/13/24. Facebook.
I’m still on Windows 10 and the urgings to upgrade to Windows 11 are getting more demanding. I’m like, nice try. I would still be using Windows XP if y’all hadn’t forced me to Windows 7, and I’d still be using Windows 7 if you hadn’t forced me to Windows 10, and we are WELL ESTABLISHED NOW that I am not going anywhere until someone shows up at my house and shoves a new computer into my arms.
~
Bluesky.
you can tell my husband loves me because he laughs at my really bad jokes
me: next play-thru, i’m gonna respec everyone into bards and call it Barder’s Gate
him: genuine hearty sustained belly laugh
that’s true love
Posted on 3/14/24. Bluesky.
the anhedonia is STRONG today
Posted on 3/15/24. Facebook.
Thank you all for the birthday wishes. ❤ I spent my day disassociating tbh. Dealing with a lot of anhedonia and mortality-related anxiety. But mostly feeling nothing at all, except when I saw all the lovely birthday wishes of course! Definitely a bright spot in the ten-thousand-yard stare of death at my wall, wondering wtf life even means.
I’ve always been really weird about birthdays. I had my first mortality-related meltdown when I was like, nineteen. Nuts, right? It’s some kind of anxiety trigger.
I feel bad because I wanna show my gratitude for all the effort people put in around my birthday. I recognize it and genuinely appreciate it so much. But I feel uniformly horrible on the days surrounding my birthday. (It’s gotten markedly worse since 2020, when my birthday was the beginning of lockdowns!) My difficulty showing gratitude and pleasure is not at all a reflection on the love I receive; I just don’t have a filter and can’t conceal how dead I feel.
Anyhoo, thinking about my 2020 birthday, I was just telling 13yo Moonlight how the person I was in 2020 doesn’t exist anymore. Much of my days are occupied with crochet and plants now. I did not have *either* back then. I devoted a LOT of time to dieting and exercise. I also never played video games at length because I was always stressed out in a working frenzy. I worked hard and played hard. Basically 95% of my time was mindless frenzy, and 5% was getting wrecked on vacations. Now I am sober (!!!) and extremely moderate in my behaviors. I am a whole different Sara, which has been a lot of work to achieve.
My progress has been, in a way, a lack of progress – comfort treading water, finding smaller joys, spending time with my kids growing SO fast. It’s extremely strange to be an entirely different person every few years. This version of me is good too I guess. I’m still feeling pretty empty right now. Emotions will be back later, I assume.
Posted on 3/15/24. Bluesky.
i’m watching paula pell on seth meyers, and i’m wondering if sixty looks young to me these days because i’m getting older, or if people really just don’t age like they used to
like she looks sixty, but…not an old sixty?? idk, my mom is also sixty and i swear sometimes she looks younger than me.
i just got off a video call with my mom the other day and it was like this
me: byyyeeee love you mommy
*hangs up*
me to sibling, in a monster voice: WHY THE FUCK DOES SHE LOOK YOUNGER THAN US
Posted on 3/16/24. Facebook.
I am not sure if anyone is okay. Are you okay? I often am not. But I strive to be loving, purposeful, curious, kind, nurturing, and overall authentic – a good mother to life and a good roommate with myself.
Posted on 3/18/24. Bluesky.
My 9yo introduced me to skibidi toilet and the phrase “sticking out your gyat for the rizzler” and I feel very, uh…educated?
Posted on 3/19/24. Facebook.
Breaking news: Writers ain’t robots. If it’s taking a long time to get a book out, we’re not happy about it either. It’s not about torturing you.
Posted on 3/20/24. Bluesky.
I’m out walking my dog and some car drove by with the window rolled down
A masculine voice catcalled me
He said “I RESPECT YOU!”
it was my husband on the way to work.
~
Little Sunshine is so thoughtful. I told him I was feeling all crampy from my period, and he ran downstairs to heat up a rice sock for me. 🥹 Didn’t even ask, his own idea, SO SWEET
~
i’m trying to finish creating content for my FILTHY ASS interactive novel (just need a few more scenes and drawings and then to code it out), but i simply wish i would stop embarking on projects with key fetish content when i know i never wanna finish it. lol
whatever my tolerance for writing/drawing sex is, it’s always about 50% of what i feel like a fetish-themed story demands narratively. my author sense says “i need scenes x, y, and z” and i’m like “woo, scene x!” and then “sigh, scene y” and then “i’d rather die than finish scene z”
Posted on 3/20/24. Facebook.
Charlotte Brontë and I are very excited to go through this New Surrealism book. It’s a really good read/flip-through so far. The binding is divine. I appreciate that it included a bit on dadaism so that I could use it as a homeschool lesson.
My only complaint: I picked it up partially because I love Miles Johnston, but the Johnston pieces included are absolutely not his definitive work, nor my favorites, and I’m like. why these? WHY? This big beautiful printing doesn’t include the stuff that made him a notable name in surrealism. One of the paintings is a really nice one tbh, but I literally see movie posters emulating some of his more iconic work, none of which they included. Bah!
Surrealism is a really fun art movement to approach with a teenager who isn’t sure about fine art, btw. Moonlight confessed they’re 50/50 on “fine art is good” vs “this is nonsense and you’re pulling my leg,” but I think that the internet’s love of memes, random humor, and dadaism helps sway them toward understanding surrealism.
Posted on 3/21/24. Facebook.
I have been escorted out of a coyote’s territory before. It’s super cool, kinda haunting, so magical. These are my favorite wild animal that live in my neighborhood (although the hawks and corvids are up there too). I am always surprised how many people *hate* coyotes.
Bear in mind the statistics show overwhelmingly that coyotes do not present any threat to humans; last I looked, there had only ever been one recorded death of a human by wolves in the Americas (a solo female who broke her leg hiking), while coyotes haven’t killed anyone.
If you dislike coyotes because of their risk to house pets, I will gently inform you that you should not have outdoor cats. They devastate the local bird populations. Your cat is *perfectly happy* indoors, no matter how much that liar tries to yell at you about it. Also, pet dogs belong inside, too, especially the cute little (delicious) ones. Cats and dogs have a lovely symbiosis with humans over the millennia; it is better for everyone involved if we keep them close.
When you’re escorted or have a sighting in a populated area: I recommend coyote hazing. That means shouting, waving your arms, throwing rocks near them. You don’t have to hit them or anything. You just want coyotes to continue feeling like humans are scary and hostile and that we shouldn’t be sharing spaces. It will help avoid tragic interactions.
Large predators are really important to a local ecosystem. We are also part of this ecosystem. It befits us to live alongside coyotes, wolves, predatory birds, etc. Don’t be afraid. Don’t hate. Just respect the delicate interconnectivity of nature and do your part by spooking the coyotes properly.
Posted on 3/24/24. Facebook.
Tom Ellis was really born to play Lucifer.
~
There are so many things I’ve never done sober. Like Beat Saber. The game where you swing laser beams around to slice blocks in time with music. Never done it sober until the last week or two.
Turns out I am so much better at Beat Saber while stoned. You wouldn’t think it, but there you go.
Posted on 3/25/24. Bluesky.
stepping away from my interactive novel’s code for two months while i was distracted/finishing the novel means i have absolutely NO IDEA where anything in the code is, or what it means, and i hate Past Sara sooo much
~
i still can’t get over my 13yo being taller than me. i’m 5’10”. they’re at least six feet now. i don’t know what to do with myself. THAT CAME OUT OF ME.
Posted on 3/26/24. Facebook.
You know what kind of day it is? I had my phone pinging my headphones, and I could HEAR THEM, and I was looking for them everywhere. But the sound seemed to move.
Because my headphones were in my pocket the whole time. Yyyyyeeeppp. It’s THAT kind of day.
Posted 3/27/24. Bluesky.
I need Kristen Stewart to dress me like a lesbian
Posted on 3/30/24. Bluesky.
I’ve been enjoying Beyoncé’s Jolene but I can’t stop singing “Gay Dean” from Community
🎶 your lifestyle is alternative, your influence is positive 🎶
Posted on 3/31/24. Facebook.
Man, spring break is always chaos. Totally throws me off my stride…whatever little stride I’ve had this year, lol.
But it really strikes me now that my kids are growing up so fast. 13.5 and 9.5 years old. They’re so much easier than they’ve ever been. They can entertain themselves when I need to take care of myself. Emotional self-regulation is at an all time high. Taking care of them when they were small was like getting emotionally run over, lol. Small kids are hard! Big kids are an absolute dream.
I’m okay getting my “stride” thrown off ad infinitum for a few more years while they’re still mine.
~
Bluesky.
I got cactus spines in my hand and THIS TIME I remembered not to pull them out with my teeth (thus transferring spines to mouth)
Please clap
Posted on 4/1/24. Facebook.
I’m reading THE BELL JAR for the first time and wondering if I should worry about how relatable it is
Posted on 4/4/24. Facebook.
I took Stoker on a walk early this morning, since it’s getting warm during the day. I try not to walk him when it’s more than ~65F outside because he pants too hard. He’s a French bulldog, and that means his sinuses are dreadful, his paws are delicate, and he’s a FANCY BOY who needs pampering. So we were out around 7:30 today (it gets more like 6am in the summer).
Lately I’ve heard dogs barking in back yards long before I approach with my dog, but I don’t see anyone else out walking. I haven’t been sure what was getting the dogs wound up. Maybe just a morning bark?
Today I saw the cause: A big ol’ coyote. She’s smaller than my pitbull and shaped more like a cat, and she moved like there’s no gravity. Just effortlessly bounding over sagebrush and slipping under trees. She kept looking at me over her shoulder as she ghosted into the fields.
No wonder the dogs have had so much to say!
I know there are coyotes on that trail because they mark it with scat and hear them crying at night. They sound like little babies. It jolts through me every time because I think I have to go check on one of my children…but they are big now and don’t cry out like that.
Sometimes I’ll see coyotes off other trails carrying rabbits in their mouths, but I think I’ve only *seen* a coyote on that trail once before, and only at night. What a beautiful animal. I feel so lucky. ❤ I hope she’s enjoying all the rabbits because we had a warm, wet winter and everything is kinda overgrown!
The toads in my backyard are also extremely numerous this year, which means I’m going to have even more garden snakes, which means I’m going to have even more red-whatevered hawks. (I can’t tell the species tbh.)
I LOVE this time of year.
