• Diaries,  facebook

    Imbolc awakenings

    Posted 1/27/24 at 9pm.

    Day One of my new weed-free life went well. I pined for my vape several times but got over it quickly. I have no appetite, I still felt stoned all morning, and now I’m getting that weird empty feeling. That’s all fine.

    My weirdest symptom of withdrawing from cannabis: My gag reflex is back, and it’s more sensitive than I’ve ever experienced.

    I did not discover that by doing the thing you’re thinking about. But go ahead and think that I did, because it’s much funnier.


    Posted 1/28/24 at 8am.

    My vet told us that if you see a pitbull with a docked tail, it’s not a breed standard, but a sign the pitbull injured its tail wagging too hard and it couldn’t heal because the pibby wouldn’t stop wagging, so they dock for safety. Literally pibbies are such happy dorks they wag their tails off.


    Posted 1/28/24 at 4:30pm.

    I think it’s really funny how I excuse drawing mostly women by saying “I’m not as good at men,” but I was just looking through all the 3D assets I’ve acquired and…it’s almost entirely hot girl stuff. lmao. I should be honest with myself that I just like looking at hot girls and that’s that.

    I haven’t done art commissions in a long time but I took on a Very Special Project for a friend of a friend, which has me going back into 3D. I have so much stuff. I forgot I actually know how to do this. I was getting pretty good at rigging and lighting scenes and stuff.

    I guess I wonder…how do people kinda…keep track of all the skills at their disposal as they age? I’m in my mid-30s and I’ve been obsessively following interests all over the show so long, I am getting to a point where I forget how much I know.

    Like…I used to know enough about fitness to pass a physical trainer test. Before that, I knew a *lot* about being a doula and lay midwife. I used to volunteer in women’s health counseling. I have learned crochet. I cartoon, I draw charcoal, I do 3D modeling and layout, a tiny bit of digital painting. I’ve got bits of some programming languages. Very technical with computers, even worked with mainframes in the past. Did facilities & maintenance a couple years. I still launch a new website every year or so. A construction class once. Lots of biology and botany! I’m a writer obviously. I can write very diverse styles and formats. I’ve researched tons of bizarre stuff like poisons, history, demonology, trauma care, etc. And whatever else I’ve forgotten! Parenting stuff? Baby stuff? I could probably still give lectures on any of the above subjects.

    It seems like by the time you hit your 50s or 60s, you must just be utterly *pouring* experience out your ears. Doesn’t it get to be A Lot? HOW DO YOU DO THIS?

    I’ve always laughed at the Sherlock Holmes “attic mind” thing where he’s like, I just throw away the stuff I don’t need to remember anymore. Obviously that’s not how brains work. But I kinda think you gotta be able to throw this stuff out somehow.

    Otoh, this makes me look at all my older friends with enormous heart-eyes because I’m like, omg, you guys must feel this too yeah? You guys must have EVEN MORE THAN ME. I want to sit at everyone’s feet and listen to them tell me about the specific cool stuff they know.


    Posted 1/28/24 at 8pm.

    Day Two of my weed free life has me LAUGHING that I was so scared to quit because so far it is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING compared to nicotine, lmao. I guess they really aren’t kidding when they say that nic is the second (third?) most addicting substance in the world. Wow, man. I kinda wanna go back in time two yearsish to when I quit nic and give myself some hugs. That Was Some Shit All Right. How does ANYONE do that.


    Posted 1/30/24 at 10am. Bluesky.

    I do not like football or Taylor Swift, but I am very reluctantly amused to watch the NFL learn they’re small potatoes compared to a pop star and learn to take the knee for her influence on the media.

    Ever since I read this paper about how sports constructs gender – and put it together with the kind of cis womanhood that is constructed by Taylor Swift’s brand – I suddenly understood why my nonbinary ass finds the whole thing annoying, though she is demonstrably as skilled as any artist I follow.

    I’m like, “Everyone says if you don’t like tswift, you’re sexist, but I don’t think I am? Am I sexist?” and kinda sat in that a while. But no, it’s just my general inability to have any interest in binary gender and the commercialization of it as such. Same thing that bounces me off a lotta romance.

    Hey! I just scrolled past another post describing what’s wrong with me if I dislike a music artist. “If you have a negative reaction towards her as a person, it’s because our society still goes after successful women in a way that men avoid.” There is a lot of simultaneous right and wrongness going on.

    Aside from being unable to grasp personal taste, the number of posts I see that act like taylor swift is somehow subversive is…staggering. I assume that people who think she’s subversive are living in very oppressed regions/cultures tbh. I must be coming from such a wildly different perspective.

    Her fanbase is so hostile, I have tried to just mute/block everything related to her name on platforms where that’s possible so I can try to know as little as possible, and hence Not Be A Negative Nelly, but it feels like I’m being beaten over the head with a club by this pop culture moment.

    All that said, I like tswift more than I like the nfl, reluctantly, given that she is the kind of person who would date Matty Healy, but she has given many fewer young men major brain trauma than the NFL. So i’m like, go ahead, Taylor, eat them up.


    Posted 2/1/24 at 8am.

    The injection for King’s cancer has gone *really* well. He seemed to feel so crappy the first couple days. The tumor got all bulging and swollen and black and gross. I think the mast cells were releasing crap into his body as they died off, and the steroids/antihistamines/etc could only do so much. He was very low.

    Yesterday the last of the tumor fell off. It just shriveled into a black raisin and disappeared (I don’t need to know what King did with it, let’s pretend it fell off). Now there is a hole on his stomach. Just a big round clean circle leading straight to muscle. Sounds gross, I know, but it’s *extremely* clean, great margins, no signs of infection whatsoever, inflammation reducing. And basically the instant the last of the tumor-raisin fell off, his mood improved 20,000%. He’s cheerful again!

    The circle is already constricting so I suspect it won’t be long before the tissue closes up and then it will mostly be a memory. We’ll keep an eye for more tumors obviously. Hopefully we won’t have to do this a lot in the future, but right now it’s looking really really good.


    Posted 2/1/24 at 9pm.

    Okay y’all. I’m now six days from quitting cannabis. I still feel stoned most of the time.

    THC, the complex of psychoactive compounds in cannabis, binds to fat cells. I gained sixty pounds from the low point of my eating disorder (I was hospitalized January 2020) through the depression of the pandemic. That means I gained sixty pounds while absolutely *slamming* sources of THC. That means I have sixty pounds of adipose tissue stuffed with it. I’ve been doing daily walks, and once I start walking, my body releases a bunch and it’s like I’ve taken a massive bong rip. I’m stupid and kinda stumbly. (I’m avoiding driving for now.)

    Also, your body makes a ton of receptors to accept the flood of chemicals that THC provides. Once you stop adding new sources of THC, there’s all these empty receptors weeping for neurotransmitters. It’s going to take a while for my body to regulate receptors to the amount of chemicals I produce endogenously (and I’m probably producing less endogenously at this point too).

    So basically, I feel foggy and stoned all the time, but also completely bereft, like my brain cannot get any traction. Weirdly, I am not really fighting with cravings. I don’t feel any urge to relapse. My mood is mostly okay. But I also just…kinda…don’t exist. Mentally. I’m spending so much time standing/sitting around staring at nothing.

    This reinforces that I’ve done the right thing, tbh, and realizing what a commitment it is to regain sobriety/clear brain makes me just wanna never use it again. I mean, you really do gotta pay the piper eventually.

    It’s really nice to be sobering up (sometimes I feel awake) and realize how much I’ve grown up, though. My eating disorder is a *lot* of the reason that I got into alcoholism, nicotine, and overuse of cannabis. Getting my eating disorder under control is easily one of the best things that has happened to me in my life, period, end of subject. I used to live as an enemy and stranger to myself, and I’m now so fully inside my body, perfectly happy with it, genuinely grateful, and I just don’t have all those difficult feelings that I used to run away from anymore. Having food become a source of cope and comfort and bonding with family was massive. I think I’m probably going to lose weight from quitting cannabis because I don’t have the munchies 24/7 anymore and I don’t even think of it as a benefit? I’m happy to just let my body rearrange into whatever.

    I feel really good. Just. Also completely empty, unmotivated, and almost braindead. lmao. It makes it hard to feed/hydrate/exercise myself, and I am struggling to remember my prescriptions, and that part will make me feel crappy. But everything else is a big gray blanket of nothingness.

    I was hoping to finish writing Fated for Firelizards in February but at this point I’m not married to it, just because I’m even less verbal than usual and I think recovery needs to be a priority.

  • Diaries

    diary of a reformed stoner, day 2

    Day One of my new weed-free life went well. I pined for my vape several times but got over it quickly. I have no appetite, I still felt stoned all morning, and now I’m getting that weird empty feeling. That’s all fine.

    My weirdest symptom of withdrawing from cannabis: My gag reflex is back, and it’s more sensitive than I’ve ever experienced.

    I did not discover that by doing the thing you’re thinking about. But go ahead and think that I did, because it’s much funnier.


    I guess I’m afraid of losing the third eye that it feels like I gained from being on enough cannabis to experience psychedelic effects, over a long period of time.

    Hang skepticism up on a hook; I’m not being especially silly here. Usage of psychedelic substances just changes the scale of perspective. You lose a lot of mindfulness/immediacy of the moment and your thoughts turn to the universe. Greater rhythms seem more obvious. It’s a really nice meditation aid. I have done a lot of soul-searching about myself and my position in the world. It’s lovely-weird to feel like you can gain clarity when you’re zooted all to beans.

    One of the reasons I decided to quit-quit instead of just switching to edibles is because I think that sense of perspective needs to…not be a daily thing. Or even a weekly/monthly thing. I am not a universal being, haha. I’m a human who exists inside of skin. I am sitting at a table, I touch the wood grain, my cats meow at me. Frankly the matters of THE UNIVERSE are so big as to be none of my business.

    But I will miss it!

    I was already cutting way back so I was mostly just getting the soporific lazyguy effects of cannabis anyway, realistically, full honesty. The last couple months was just sitting around feeling vaguely paranoid and sleepy and coughing up junk. Like, that’s not a beautiful glimpse of the universe, and I have to be SO HONEST about how stupid it would be to remain in a groggy/sick state.

    I feel extremely silly typing this out because I think you all know that psychedelic insights *feel* very meaningful and fascinating, and they can be personally useful, but it’s also like. Yes Sara. You can’t do that all the time. It doesn’t actually mean anything.

    But I really LOVE feeling like there is no differentiation between myself and all the other star-stuff in this universe. I find it harder to hate anyone now that I “see” we are made out of the same thing. That we are all here together in this universe-scaled system in the way that proteins are together in our cells, doing our lil guy jobs to make the cell work, and the cell working makes the organ work, and the organ working makes the body work, and the body working makes the community work, and–

    Do I get to keep those insights? Will that profound feeling of completeness, oneness with the stones and the earth and my friends and my enemies and my plants and my cats, will it stay? Can I keep it when the chemicals fade from my system, or will the chemicals take away my ability to feel that unity because it was only chemicals all along? What if the world is a bleak magicless place that isn’t pumping along to the great music of existence?

    This is why I think I should get into yoga. And maybe transcendental meditation. lol

  • sara reads the feed

    Day One Actually Sober, ketosis, and blah blah blah whatever

    Quitting cannabis, so far, is absolutely 10,000% easier than nicotine. At least on day one. Day one quitting nic was like an itchy haze of random sobbing and shouting at people and tearing my hair out. So far, I’ve just kept remembering that I can’t vape and getting a little bummed because I miss being fucked up. But it’s okay, I don’t have to be fucked up. It’s a lot easier to switch between tasks and Do More Things and that is worth giving up the peace of vaping through my day.

    …well, BREATHING is worth giving it up, and the other stuff could be worse.

    Again: I have been at this for eight years, and before that (with overlap), I was an alcoholic. I don’t really know what a Sober Sara is like. Certainly not a Sober Sara who has been a grown ass adult for so long. I was quite a young adult when I was last Chronically Sober and not just California Sober. A lot of people keep telling me that I might not change much at all from this. Will I be the same as I was last week? Last month? Is there a different Sara who’s been snoozing under the weight of our happy green flower friend, waiting to perk up and blossom?

    It’s just so hard to imagine because I’m also really productive and full of interests when I’m stoned. Like, all the amazing things I’ve done in the last eight years, I did stoned. Being stoned didn’t let me do it, obviously. But it suppressed my energy (a desirable side effect for me, frankly) so I’m like…if that’s how awesome I am when I’m smothered by THC, how much more awesome am I gonna be the next few years when the fog is clear? Can I control the frenetic human-scribble energy of my psyche unconstrained by the sensory numbing of weed? Guess we’ll find out.

    ~

    NPR has an article about the medical applications of a ketogenic diet. I spent years on a ketogenic diet. I did experience a lot of benefits. But I also found it was incredibly punishing on my digestive system, isolated me from my family because I ate so differently, and fed into my neuroses around “clean” food.

    I think the conversation around ketogenic diets misses that it really should just be a medical diet. I really think the average person should not be on keto. If you are dealing with seizures that need a ketogenic diet – or schizo-affective disorder – then obviously the costs of medicalized eating are absolutely worth it. But eating shouldn’t be medical or even functional for most people. It *should* be cultural, emotional, and a source of relief. (Not talking about binge eating. I’m talking about just eating normal meals with people you love and enjoying food that tastes good.)

    The hormonal effects on women are not well understood, but there is reason to believe ketosis is not good for women (source: apocrypha). Also, ketosis is a stressful survival state. Your body will be more stressed, all the time. They call this “eustress” to mean that the stress is good for you…but think about how many other sources of stress are in your life, and ask if you need to be systemically stressed out *further*.

    This article is fine because it’s urging medical applications, but I can’t see “keto” pass my feed without panicking a little because the scientific/medical appeal of it really, really appeals to orthorexia, and I don’t know many women who aren’t worried about eating clean in some way.

    ~

    I knew that 23andme had gotten hacked. I didn’t know they were going explicitly for accounts with genetic data associated with Ashkenazi and Chinese ancestry. (Engadget) Of course it has to be racist evil, it can’t just be more general bad behavior.

    ~

    I didn’t realize Cracked was still around, but they published an essay from Penn Jillette, famously libertarian, explaining why he is no longer a libertarian.

    ~

    Jessica Valenti reports that multiple states are trying to make it “trafficking” to take minors to states where they can legally get abortions.

    On the other hand, Washington State is trying to enable pharmacists to prescribe and issue abortion pills.

    ~

    Al Jazeera English has a roundup of national reactions to the ICJ interim ruling in regards to the Gaza conflict.

    ~

    John Oliver says that it’s really exciting to see Jon Stewart back on late night for an election year, but also, he thinks Amber Ruffin and Roy Wood Jr should maybe have the desk. I agree. (Variety)

    ~

    AJE’s article about Panama’s “Little Hiroshima” was a sobering lesson in recent American history.

    ~

    Sierra Space is experimenting with inflatable habitats for humans in space. (Ars Technica)

    ~

    Variety’s interview with Suzy Bemba, a French actress in Poor Things, was a really interesting glimpse at the state of working in French cinema.

    ~

    ElevenLabs was identified as the creator of the Biden robo-phonecall discouraging Democrats from voting in the primaries, and they banned the account behind it. Okay, have fun with whackamole, guys. Pandora’s AI box is wide open. Are we going to pretend that things like fake political phone calls aren’t the main reason this crap exists?

    ~

    JD Barker, who came up in publishing because of a (distant) working relationship with Stephen King, was not protected by his faint friendships when he decided to ask for nudes from underage people on TikTok. He has been dropped by his agent. (Publisher’s Weekly)

    Genres outside romance aren’t always good about moderating bad behavior so I was glad to see the hammer fall swiftly on this one.

    ~

    Britney Spears fans are NOT having it with JTimberlake’s new nonsense. (Variety)

  • essays

    Commentary ~ Jon Stewart’s return to The Daily Show is a regression for Late Night

    If you are a left-leaning liberal or centrist, you might remember Jon’s politics aligning more with yours. In fact, Jon was never very interested in partisan politics; The Daily Show under his tenure was mostly about holding media to account. A single interview of John Stewart by Tucker Carlson was responsible for shutting down an old Fox show called Crossfire – the best example of Jon’s interests on TDS. But even though he often stood in opposition to Fox News due to their poor journalistic standards and entertainment news, it’s not really because he’s “anti-Conservative” or something. I’d say he’s about as centrist as a man of his wealth can be.

    (If you’re not familiar with my usual speeches about class solidarity, I will say “class solidarity always comes first” and Jon’s part of the ruling class in America by virtue of provisional whiteness, extreme success in the entertainment industry, and the access his money provides him. Hence, we would consider it strange if he did not behave like a Rich American, right?)

    Jon’s a true believer in American exceptionalism, which is a viewpoint making someone vulnerable to a lot of blind spots about America’s role in the world. He’s mostly wielded his power and opinion for good, though! He advocates for 9/11 rescue workers and American veterans, which is the exact kind of activism I hope to get from that stance. His persistence navigating political systems to advocate for these folks is my favorite work of his.

    Unfortunately, Jon has also espoused some marginal, paranoid viewpoints. I don’t have anything to point to besides a really strange interview with Colbert about the “Wuhan lab leak” covid conspiracy – but Jon left TDS to go into a farm in the woods and grow a beard, and it seems like he maybe bought into the crazy bearded guy in a farm in the woods bit too well. He may have had more marginal, paranoid viewpoints in his pocket when he lost his Apple deal, but I suspect Apple was also being weird. Either way: Jon has strayed further from mainstream appeal in the intervening years and he might have something *really* weird in his pocket.

    But I think that he wants to go back to TDS because he feels a sense of responsibility. His mission to point at American journalism and say “this sucks” didn’t end up helping much; our infotainment and propaganda systems have worsened, radicalizing an already polarized country. I think Jon Stewart wants a platform to return to media accountability in the year of the 2024 election because he wants to put his finger on the scale against another Trump presidency.

    We’re in a really different world than the one left at the end of TDS. Correspondent Jordan Klepper is doing some really challenging, agile work exploring right wing extremism in America. Former correspondent Roy Wood Jr had a vision for TDS moving forward, but Comedy Central refused to play ball with him, so they lost one of their best voices. There are other great potential successors in the wings, like Amber Ruffin, who could bring something completely new to TDS – and John Oliver, the most leftward late night personality, voiced his support for Uncle Roy and Ruffin.

    It’s impossible to say what Jon Stewart is going to do on his return, but the temporary nature of it makes it clear this is a special project for him, and I question how much meaningful sway he’s going to have on this election. Comedy Central has chosen to do away with a regular host for the foreseeable future, and a late night host is a big boss who organizes correspondents, facilitates comedy careers, and also gets a platform for her own interests.

    It feels like this is promoting Jon’s desire to save us from Drump, and Comedy Central’s desire for advertising dollars, at the expense of other performers’ careers — without actually adding much to the conversation. Late Night in general is more vessel for PR than an effective tool for organization, as proven by Stewart and Colbert’s own 2010 Washington rally that was only a comedy show and didn’t register a single voter (or do anything else). We have already seen what Jon does with peak TDS; I would rather see Uncle Roy or Amber behind the desk full-time (or Leslie Jones! or Charlamagne tha God! my two favorite guest hosts) in an election year, a time of political turmoil. We should not burden any Late Night show with more responsibility or expectations of relevancy when America’s problems are much more profound than Jon’s perspective, limited by his own successes, can pick apart.

  • sara reads the feed

    creative Capitalization, disliking what you reap, and mid-budget victories

    is gen z aging faster than millennials? I hadn’t thought so, but… (link to X with my apologies.)

    i just thought they looked mature to me bc it’s fashionable to wear clothes/makeup that code older to my generation, while millennials dress young. i see so many gen z looking very well groomed with very mature makeup routines. gen z made Coastal Grandma a fashion. of course they code more mature, while a lotta millennials never aged out of jeans and a tee.

    it feels to me like Gen Z had to be more mature because Millennials just kind of rolled over and culturally infantilized ourselves as a response to the structure/judgment of our parents. it was regressive for us to be sloppy; it’s regressive against us for gen z to be groomed.

    also: gen z’s more cultivated appearance comes from a cultural era where their adolescences have been entirely online, as a brand, performing for other humans. their appearances may be cultivated for internet entertainment regardless of greater context. there’s upsides and downsides. i don’t think Gen Z got to be kids. that’s such a downside. but the upside is they’re actual grownups at grownup ages and they can probably run circles around millennials on almost everything except maybe navigating DOS. lol

    that said, i think gen z actually is older than we actually give anyone credit. i often think of my 13yo as Gen Z but a lotta places list them as the first of Gen Alpha, which means that Gen Z is all older teens and adults having families now…

    so gen z, if you’re tired of people talking about you, it’s almost over. millennials caught shit until a couple years ago and then they switched to you but they’ll switch to your little brothers next, don’t worry. duuuuust in the wiiiiind

    (As evidenced by the creative punctuation and caps, the above commentary was also originally an X thread I posted. A reply pointed out that Gen Z started vaping young and suffered a lotta stress, so that could be a cause, and I can’t argue.)

    ~

    I guess Katt Williams got under Dave Chappelle’s skin. (Variety) It’s telling that Chappelle’s reaction is to complain about the criticism broadly rather than engaging with the reason Williams chose to criticize him specifically.

    I’m sure Chappelle is right that his story is very sympathetic; nothing that has happened to him justifies spreading hatred.

    “Hurt people hurt people, but I am a hurt person that never hurt people, and he does it all the time: ‘Fuck this one, and fuck that one, and fuck this one,’” Chappelle said, impersonating Williams.

    Yeah so basically we can’t expect Chappelle to change any time soon. He’s never hurt anyone in his life.

    ~

    Mean Girls has “only” earned 50 million in theaters, but its budget was 36 million, so everyone is happy. (Variety) Are studios realizing we want mid-budget stuff in theaters again? That this was a long-time sustainable business model for good reason?

    ~

    Since I’ve been doing some game design stuff, I found this Balloon Juice article on puzzle design really interesting.

    ~

    Now this is quite a read. From Ars Technica: Convicted murderer, filesystem creator writes of regrets to Linux list

    ~

    Netanyahu keeps saying exactly what he plans to do: He wants the Palestinian state to no longer exist. (NPR)

    ~

    I’m disappointed that Comedy Central won’t be picking a new host for The Daily Show, mostly because Roy Wood Jr left the show for this reason. If Uncle Roy doesn’t like it, then I think it’s a terrible idea and they’re making the wrong choice.

    ~

    A former NASA administrator is not impressed with contemporary commercial spaceflight standards. Hear hear. (Ars Technica)

    ~

    Determined to ensure Indiana Jones continues being harvested for capital, we will be getting an Indiana Jones video game. (Engadget) Honestly, the game might be fine; I’m just two movies past wanting more from the franchise and sorta annoyed they keep going on with this.

  • Diaries,  facebook,  slice of life

    sliced life~

    lmao. Okay. So King *needs* to be on Benadryl leading up to the procedure for his cancer. It’s a mast cell tumor; he needs an H1 antihistamine to keep inflammation down so it does not spread. In the past, I have not had trouble giving him pills with his kibble.

    Today I discovered he’s been hiding half his Benadryl under his pillow!!!! omg dog I AM TRYING TO SAVE YOUR LIFE.
    Anyway. This dog, he is so human in his facial expressions. You can really tell what he’s thinking all the time.

    I tried putting his pills into cheese to dose him. He started delicately eating the cheese so he could pick around the pills, like he wasn’t entirely sure why I’d given him the gross-tasting cheese but he was game to eat it anyway. Basically spitting out the pill parts.

    Again: OMG.

    I just grabbed the pills and opened his mouth and put one on the back of his tongue so he had to swallow (which I used to do to administer pills on a difficult dog).

    King was MORTIFIED. He ran off to the other side of the kitchen to STARE at me, and I swear to God I could tell he was thinking, “Wait, it’s like that? It’s serious? I *have* to do it? I had no idea it was *like that*.” I could see the little gears turning in his head to recontextualize this activity from “mom keeps giving me gross cheese” to “I have to eat this whole thing OR ELSE.”

    So this smart beautiful boy gagged down the next piece of cheese with the remaining pills. Consciously, deliberately, looking at me to make sure he was doing the right thing. He resisted the urge to chew. And then we cheered him on and petted him a lot and King was like, “…huh.”

    We practiced swallowing cheese chunks whole after that. He decided the game where he Eats Quickly and people are Very Happy is actually a lot of fun, and he would be happy to keep playing that game as long as the cheese holds out.

    This is good news because I am afraid this cancer boye has many medications in his future.

    I feel silly realizing I should have just “explained” to my dog that we’re taking medication now because he would have just done it. Instead I gave it to him without telling him and of course he was like “surely this is a mistake. gross. ptooey.”

    I’m just amazed at what a personality he has, and how obviously, consciously he registered that Mom Is Serious This Time and he changed his mind. I didn’t have to like…actually train him. He just modified his behavior. It’s insane. He’s so smart. He’s just a fuzzy little baby person. I need him to live forever.


    Actual verbatim quote from 9yo Sunshine:

    “I’m going to build this engineering box on my own. It’s for ages eight to twelve, and I’m nine, but I’m as mature as an eleven-year-old, which is basically an adult. I can do it.”

    and i’ll be damned if he didn’t build the engineering project on his own. he only needed help with this tiny rubber band, and we sorted that with tweezers the project didn’t include.

    i feel like i noticed how quickly my now-13yo was growing because they’re my first and oldest, thus always the oldest kid I’ve ever had, and I fall easily into the trap of thinking Sunshine is still my tiny baby (since he will always be the youngest child I’ll ever have again). but now he’s actually almost an eleven-year-old which is basically an adult.

    we’ve also been having incredibly complicated conversations about his emotional landscape (he is dealing with ongoing grief from our dog’s death two years ago, and our current hospice cat) and it’s just amazing to see how much he’s grown inside where i can’t see it. i just get glimpses of this whole wilderness in there, while the outside is still a very cherubic little tanned blond angel with golden eyes. (can you believe i have a blond?)

    his sense of reciprocity is also so clear. he has sturdy boundaries. he loves serving and helping and taking care of people, but he also expects that people will repay him in kind overall. he won’t let himself be used. he’s a force of nature. so yes, he’s also still having a lot of trouble at school and getting into big trouble because he doesn’t see a reason to act respectfully toward adults he doesn’t feel respect him. i can’t be mad tbh. he’s not wrong.


    My 13yo Moonlight is finally old enough to observe the years-long pattern of Mommy’s Interest Swings. Notably, they have seen how I went from having a gazillion plants to having 0.5 gazillions of plants and stuffing our house with yarn instead.

    (Note: Plants and crochet are very compatible hobbies. Plants go where it’s bright. Yarn goes where it’s dark. There is room for NOTHING ELSE IN THE HOUSE. NOTHING.)

    I told Moonlight how I’ve been having stress dreams where we have to move houses quickly, and I can’t figure out how to move my plants. I’m like, “I just love them so much, and I have a lot, and I really have no idea how to move them now? What would I even do?”

    So seeing me creating weird little crochet dolls, Moonlight asked, “Aren’t you worried you’re going to start having nightmares about having too many dolls following you everywhere, once you don’t love it as much anymore?”

    and i was like omg now i’m worried about it

    Too Many Weird Dolls Dreams might be the creepiest potential classification of dream. And I have some pretty freaky dreams about aquariums/vivariums gone wildly beyond my control, so Moonlight might be onto something here.

  • sara reads the feed

    Bad sounds, international queer perspectives, and Jesus

    I’ve been married to my husband for fifteen years now (well, in a week) and I still get all like “omg!!!!” when I get to see him naked. I’m like. omg. He’s so hot. omg. He’s not wearing clothes. omg. play it cool. PLAY IT COOL.

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    It still surprises me when I try to pay attention to how many “productive” hours I have in a day. It’s never as much as I expect.

    Mind that when I’m being productive in a focused hour, a lot happens in that hour! My maximum writing rate in an hour is about 3,000 words, which means if I wrote one of those little Harlequin romances at that speed, it would take less than a forty hour work week (theoretically) to finish it. Those lil dudes are around 40-60,000 words. So we’re talking maybe 20 hours to draft.

    Yet those 20 hours have almost never in my life happened all at once; the fastest I think I ever got out a good book from start to finish (outlining and editing inclusive) was a month, or four weeks. And that was absurd.

    So much of my time isn’t spent productively, even though it always feels like I’m pregnant with my current creative projects. It’s hard to think about aught else. But a lot of that thinking happens when I’m clicking around my news feed, reading articles. Or when I’m walking somewhere. I think and plan frequently. Yet I think the main reason it feels like I work *so much* (at my peak) and can’t find more time is because it’s just really Mentally Intensive. I feel every minute so the hours seem longer than hours spent curled up in my chair with yarn. And I just can’t do that very much! It’s been hard for me to do that more than an hour at a time, these days. (I’m rebuilding stamina.)

    What this is circling toward is saying I haven’t been posting feed commentary much because I bumped another hour or two of weekly productivity toward fiction. I am really determined to just *finish* all these outstanding projects I’ve got on my docket. Egregious is an ongoing passion project that I don’t mind letting sleep for weeks or months at a time. I’ve done it before.

    Just kinda funny to see how an hour taken away from Egregious means, like, three fewer posts here, but only another  chunk of chapter on the book.

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    I have a problem with misophonia. This interesting Psyche article connects it to interoception problems, which makes so much sense. There is a lot of brain activity when “bad sounds” are bothering you. It’s very real!

    It also seems like it may be connected to (or alleviated by) mirroring.

    Kumar surveyed hundreds of people with misophonia and found evidence that those with more severe symptoms were more likely to say that they imitate the actions and sounds made by people producing triggering noises. Many of the participants said they often feel compelled to mimic whatever action is triggering them and that doing so brings relief, whether that’s chewing loudly or tapping their feet.

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    The Southeast Asian Anarchist Library has a thought-provoking post about the colonialism of “gay pride” and queer identity labels currently being used. It’s a dense read, but the insights gave me a lot of perspective on how some of this movement has mixed impact abroad.

    It seems the language of queer liberation is being applied in a way that still mostly serves to export American capitalism, and that is a *deeply* disappointing but helpful perspective to gain.

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    Tor dot Com has informed me that we are getting a Highlander reboot, which I am DEFINITELY ready for. Henry Cavill feels like the inevitable casting. Is Adrian Paul still around? Oh heck a quick search says he’s only 64. We put 64-year-old men in action movies all the time. Can we have Adrian Paul?

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    Ars Technica has an article talking about how fewer pollinators means that plants produce less pollen. Is it weird my first thought was like “omg it’s the way my hair produces fewer oils if I don’t use shampoo regularly.”

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    I really loved Niecy Nash-Betts’s acceptance speech at the Emmy’s. (Variety) Also, on a very shallow level, holy crap she is murdering me in that dress. She looks incredible.

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    Lil Nas X shouldn’t apologize for anything in regards to his J Christ track. (Variety) His expression of the Biblical stories is very pro-Jesus and anti-Satan. Like, there’s really nothing to complain about unless you don’t like a femme Black gay man being the one who is so good at Bibling.

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    Balloon Juice talked to NYT Pitchbot, who is a Balloon Juice alumnus. Most of the interview is on Substack (so I didn’t read it) but I think you can get a decent sense of character and thought process from the excerpt.

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    The New Yorker has my favorite article of the week: The Abortion Provider Who Became the Most Hated Woman in New York.

    Restell was no mere opportunist; she genuinely believed in abortion. This much is clear from “To Married Women,” an essay-advertisement that functioned as a manifesto for her practice. “Is it not but too well known that the families of the married often increase beyond the happiness of those who give them birth would dictate?” Restell asked in one version, published in 1840. “In how many instances does the hardworking father, and more especially the mother, of a poor family remain slaves throughout their lives?” Abortion and birth control, she reasoned, were not sins but ways to cultivate health and human thriving. “Much of the suffering, misery, wretchedness, and vice existing around us can be attributable to our ignorance of the capacity granted to us for a wise end to control, in no small degree, our own destinies,” she wrote.