Posted 4/6/24. Facebook.
I was playing with my formerly feral cat. She jumped up on the back of my chair and bit the back of my neck.
Isn’t that how cats kill prey? Did my cat just…kill me?
~
i’ve been lucky to read 2-3 books this year that i actually loved (i really struggle to find stuff that suits me) and everything i’ve read in between those books has really helped emphasize to me why i liked those 2-3
it’s always a personal taste thing, of course; there’s nothing actually wrong with the other books. i have narrow tastes/desires in books the last few years. i have to cast a wide net (or get recs from similarly aligned friends) in order to find a couple that stick to my ribs.
this year i’ve loved
BOY PARTS
THE BELL JAR (yes, my first read)
MY YEAR OF REST AND RELAXATION
(i was REALLY in the mood for a book without a plot, so the lattermost item scratched the itch extremely well)
i didn’t love it, but i did end up liking NIGHTBITCH. the more i reflect back on it, the fonder i feel. i’m like “heh.” i love messy authentic flawed things, and that’s kinda the whole point of nightbitch. and all the books i haven’t liked at all make nightbitch stick out more, yk?
i dnf’d The Rabbit Hutch, but i might take a swing at it again later. the dialogue felt too stylized for me at the moment. i like the format enough that it might be worthwhile when i’m in a different head space.
i do not mention books where i’m like “pah!” and forcefully close them, so these are all compliments from the bottom of a deep pit of literary anhedonia.
loves/likes from previous years:
SPINNING SILVER, Naomi Novik
THE KILLING MOON, NK Jemisin
A LONG TIME DEAD, Samara Breger
THE SALT GROWS HEAVY, Cassandra Khaw
THE WORM OUROBOROUS, ER Eddison
BITTERBURN, Ann Aguirre
PARABLE OF THE SOWER, Octavia E Butler
UNDER THE PENDULUM SKY, Jeanette Ng
GARDENS OF THE MOON, Stephen Erikson
THE NOTEBOOK, Agota Kristof
i really like genre fiction written as literature, and i was hoping that moving into contemporary literature might give me more options for reading. plus i never used to read anything that isn’t sff. so i am trying to reach out a bit and generally pleased so far.
anyway, i post this in case someone on my flist has similar tastes and can recommend me something i’d like. i’m very fond of genre-as-literary, mythic and historically influenced stuff, big world building, devastating emotions, broad vocabulary, and mostly woman authors.
any recs??
~
Posted on Bluesky.
something about the title screen music for katamari damacy reloaded is so ominous
na…na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
Posted 4/7/24. Facebook.
i described the basic conceit of Hannibal to my 13yo, with the whole passionate death-spiral between Hannibal and Will Graham, and they said “So it’s basically Doofenschmirtz and Perry the Platypus from Phineas & Ferb?” and my entire life is changed
Posted 4/9/24. Facebook.
I actually finished writing a book today. It’s wild, I haven’t finished a book in a year. I’ve been doing a zillion other things.
This is Fated for Firelizards, the interactive novel I’ve been serializing on itch.io. I’m gonna finish posting it on itch and then edit a single-track novel version (Author’s Cut), so I’ll let y’all know when the Author’s Cut ebook is out. It’s NOT a Descentverse book, but kind of a fun silly thing. I think folks will enjoy it anyway.
~
The other day, my eldest came to wake up Spouse and me. They were down at the side of the bed. It looked right to have their adorable face at that level. I was petting their hair and sweet-talking them, which they tolerated like a champ.
Then they stood up…and up…and up…
And I remembered this is a 13-year-old human who is at least six feet tall, and increasingly lanky, and I just turned into the Crypt Keeper then blew away into dust.
~
Posted on Bluesky.
my vacuum-insulated cup is so bananas. i made hot hot coffee this morning and didn’t touch it, and it’s STILL HOT??? i know this is new to nobody but myself lol
it’s like friggin magic
~
I have been watching ghost photos/videos with my kid and it’s the brightest part of the day, and I’m still never sleeping again
~
hear me out: rootbeer float except it’s chocolate fudge ice cream in iced coffee
Posted on 4/10/24. Bluesky.
after watching x-men 97 i will never feel joy again
Thank god for the comic book revolving door of death or else my whOLE WEEK would be ruined
Posted 4/11/24. Facebook.
Amazing how one minute I’ll be like “omg I’m the artist of all time” and then the next minute I’m like “MY ARTS IS THE WORST, I AM GARBAGE, THROW ME IN THE COMPOST PILE”
~
Posted on Bluesky.
Nothing reminds me how long it’s been since restarting my computer as effectively as Adobe products, which will basically just fart all over my monitors until I reboot
Posted 4/12/24. Facebook.
I’m so committed to trolling my 13yo. They’re VERY pleased to be taller than me, even when I stand on my toes…so I ordered platform heel Crocs. Yep. I’m going to wear 6-inch Crocs around the house and pat them on the head.
~
I am “subscription to insoles for hip pain” years old.
~
Posted on Bluesky.
I just did a sinus nasal rinse and I think my brain came out, the pain, the burning
Posted on 4/13/24. Bluesky.
If you haven’t watched Scavenger’s Reign you’re living a hollow half-life, a shadow of humanity, unaware of the greatest adult animated show ever made
Posted on 4/14/24. Bluesky.
hoping that this analgesic will make my body feel less like shattered death, pray for me
~
From now on, I am only sexting with cuneiform.
Posted 4/15/24. Bluesky.
playing frostpunk
me + peasants: yay! we escaped the lords!
the lords: “hey can we move in with you?”
the game: WHAT A QUANDARY
me: lol die in a storm, lords
the game: …you must surely feel conflicted
me: WE DO NOT
the lords: yOu ToOk OuR EnGiNe
me: frozen dead lords say what
the lords: …what?
the game: WHAT A QUANDARY!
~
one of my friends is sending me screenshots from fallout 4, so i thought i’d grab it and try it
it’s so buggy (STILL) that i had to go do some modding to even make it wanna run. oh bethesda. <3 now i'm into mods and it's making me wanna go back to skyrim again lol ~ Downloaded a zillion mods, now to see if it’s any worse at launching than vanilla
Posted 4/16/24. Facebook.
I wish Facebook would let me hide posts but not, like…take it personally. I believe if you hide posts at all, the algorithm says “oooh this is a Bad Post somehow” and will ding the visibility of the individual or the post (depending on the overall metrics). I need a “it’s nothing personal, but don’t show me this one again” button for when it keeps bringing up someone’s really personal post 10x over three days. Like, that wasn’t any of my business the first time I saw it, but that person has every right to post it, and I just think it’s weird Facebook keeps reminding me that xyz person is having family drama with xyz family member I don’t even know!
~
My favorite gain from going fully sober and quitting cannabis? My singing voice is back, baby! Sometimes I start singing and startle myself with how full my range has become. I got so used to singing in a limited range because lower or higher octaves were so strained, and switching registers made things goOOoooOO crackLYEEYY.
Basically I had to sing like the episode of Friends where Phoebe had a cold, but I’m back to being a wee lil songbird.
The dreams are also rad. You’re not supposed to dream on cannabis (which is one reason people with PTSD love it), but I had dreams every night; they were just always a very specific kind of travel dream. Airplanes, cruise ships, trains. Very weird. But now I have a full spectrum of vivid dreams that are so wonderfully weird, I look forward to them every night. I can control them to a small degree. I usually dream about whatever I was doing right before bed. I was playing Fallout 4 last night, so I got Fallout dreams!
I really miss the act of smoking. I have a lot of really fond memories of sitting outside in nice weather and smoking up a bowl. It’s hard to explain what a sensory pleasure that is, top to bottom: breaking up nuggets (the colors, the smell, the texture), grinding them finely, scooping it into a bowl, patting it down, using the lighter to toast the edge, that first inhale of creamy white smoke…
But I figure it’s like a breakup from a romantic relationship. Of course I miss the nice things about her. I loved holding hands with her, and the smoothness of her neck, and the smell of her hair. I can’t have those things in isolation from all the things that motivated the breakup. That isn’t how life works. So I miss the smoking, and I say, “Thank you for the memories,” and then don’t do it.
~
Posted 4/16/24. Bluesky.
when i’m trying to talk myself into doing something, i call myself “self-bae” in my head
“come on, self-bae, you don’t even need to do that much”
“i know it’s hard, self-bae <3 you can do it"
i know it is dorky but i used to be *really* hard on myself, so it's very healing to refer to myself like i'm my own girlfriend? my loved one? just soothing and reassuring myself
~
We dnf’d the fallout show on episode 2 on account of boredom
~
Posted 4/17/24. Bluesky.
Truly impressed and horrified by how many times my AirPods have enjoyed trips through the washing machine in my pocket
~
extremely bothered seeing how people talk about their teenaged and older kids on the internet. like, you realize you made those things, right? you know they still can’t read your mind? you know communication is hard and growing is hard and nobody magically figures things out, right?
i have some acquaintances who are not invested in having ongoing relationships with their adult kids, and i just hope they’re not unpleasantly surprised when those kids aren’t interested in having ongoing relationships with them either.
recently my sibling told me that not everybody likes their kids, especially as they get older, and it has haunted me. i wonder if that intergenerational divide is normal? if part of growing *demands* friction? am i going to wake up one day and be sick of my teenager’s shit?
~
i just love john leguizamo and dulce sloan on The Daily Show. i could watch the two of them every night forever. they’re so fucking out of pocket, it’s hilarious
leguizamo acting like biden wants him “but we’re both married men, it would be wrong *saucy gaze*”
~
playing games <<<<< playing games so heavily modded they're unrecognizable i enjoy adult mods for games, but i have to laugh at so many of the "sexy" outfits added. like people just cut random holes out and nothing looks remotely wearable (or even sexy!) and i'm like, girl, tuck your nipple into the strap, you're defying physics ~ no more agonizing over my letterboxd top 4. it changes weekly now. all movies are my favorite movies. chaos reigns.
Posted 4/18/24. Facebook.
Pulling together the “author’s cut” of my interactive novel is harder than I anticipated. I wrote *so* much material that only exists in one story track or another (meaning I have to go all over the file to see what I can possibly add), and a *lot* of text varies based upon reader choices. It’s one long personality test of a book, so…it’s a mess!
Also, the chapters read differently without the page breaks/questions/illustrations. Once it’s just text, I see so many things I want to smooth and fill out. It’s a bigger editing job than anticipated!
Fun project, though. Anything with dragons is fun.
Posted 4/19/24. Facebook.
Y’all, I had such a violent nightmare last night that I woke my spouse screaming his name in my sleep. Wtf? He thought something was wrong and got up to look for problems before realizing I was still asleep.
I couldn’t wake up, it was dreadful. There was a demon possessing my house. I couldn’t shut the doors to keep it out of my bedroom. It kept appearing as my beloved late cat, Annie, in really disturbing gory ways. I have the St Benedict’s prayer memorized (crux sacra sit mihi lux, non draco sit mihi dux, etcetera) but all the prayer and salt in my dreams wouldn’t keep the demon out.
This morning my spouse asked if he should wake me from dreams where I’m obviously distressed and the answer is OMG YES PLEASE DO.
Weirdly, I fell asleep in a great mood. Nothing is wrong! I had a beautiful nighttime walk with my family under a very bright moon. I was so chipper. But not my subconscious, apparently.
Posted 4/20/24. Facebook.
I gauged up my ears today from 2g to 0g. I thought it wouldn’t be too bad because they used to be this size, but OWCH. It’s harder to do it to oneself, bc ow.
Posted 4/21/24. Bluesky.
i was really trying to get into fallout 4, but i’m just not clicking with it. i couldn’t click with fnv either. i guess fallout shelter is the only fallout i want, lol.
i’m putting skyrim back on my computer. it’s still kinda my perfect game. which is weird! it’s the same engine as fo4!
~
i have napped twice today and i slept a lot last night and i think i could just sleep all of sunday, literally
i feel really good tbh, i walked a bunch yesterday in the sun and i think my body just wants to recharge
i walked in the evening & thought i wouldn’t need sunblock. i was wrong. i’m slightly toasty. i have found that i get sun sickness really easily; i didn’t get sun sickness yesterday, but i was probably close. if i’d been out an hour earlier, i’d be dead today. instead i’m just deliciously exhausted.
i’m not sure if sun sickness is a real thing tbh. i THINK i heard of it somewhere…it’s like where you burn, and your body has an immune response like you’re sick. i don’t have to be very burned to get some crazy flare. i really get very sick the day after even mild sunburns.
oh well, webmd calls it sun poisoning (for whatever that’s worth). after sun, i get fever+chills, nausea, exhaustion, aches, dizziness, serious dehydration. did i mention i’m basically some swooning Victorian lady who faints over everything? like a walking ghost.
(i do have two documented autoimmune conditions and god knows what else so this is pretty normal for me, tbh)
(i am a delicate hothouse flower)
OH i bet it’s also related to stretching my ears yesterday. i gauged up from 2g to 0g. i always have this weird shock response to piercings and tattoos. my poor body must have no idea what’s going on, stretching out my lobes (IT HURT) and then frolicking in the sun. “ahhh I’m dying”
~
my head aches even checking in on publishing world drama. this is why i now randomly publish stupid shit for an audience of me, myself, and i.
This isn’t about RTD, but rather gossiping authors and essays about authors who should go fuck themselves and etc.
omg just go write your friggin books and chill out.
There are extremes of “authors must always get along rainbows daisies” and “authors I disagree with should all jump off a bridge, and I disagree with everyone”
JUST GO WRITE YOUR BOOKS
Posted 4/22/24. Bluesky.
there is SUCH a difference between walking two miles when it’s mild and walking two miles when Nevada is doing its whole sunny hot thing
it was only like 80f but i’m still whooped. gonna be a heck of a summer when we get over 90-100f
i can still walk outside when it’s that hot, but i start wetting down light scarves (almost like veils) and covering myself in them, and then also taking an umbrella as portable shade. not bad when it’s also windy. wish i had a stillsuit.
Posted 4/23/24. Facebook.
It’s incredible how I can wake up and chug a half gallon of water like it’s nothing. What happens to me overnight? Do I completely desiccate??
I genuinely don’t eat that much salt, and i have an eye on my blood sugar so i can say i’m not diabetic
i’m just a Thirsty Betch
~
i told my kids to avoid internet content that seems specifically designed to make them angry (or feel other negative emotions) and it’s helped them a lot, so i am now sharing that advice with you
click away from outrage, you’ll feel better.
~
Posted on Bluesky.
It’s really incredible my husband is still married to me when I will text him live updates from the toilet, and half the time he asks what I’m doing and I’m like “…modding skyrim”
Posted on 4/24/24. Bluesky.
But why is Dev Patel SO ATTRACTIVE
Posted on 4/25/24. Bluesky.
It’s maddening how many people wanna shove AI down our throats when all datasets rely on theft. So it’s like saying, “I have no choice but to steal to promote my books 🤷🏻♀️ don’t blame meeee”
Just makes me realize how many people happily talk their way into ethical voids and truly do not mind being class traitors if it means they feel likelier to profit off exploitation rather than being exploited themselves
(Spoiler: it won’t protect you, it’ll eat you too)
And omfg it’s not that hard to learn how to Art, it’s completely natural to humans.
And you’re not entitled to others’ nonconsenting labor if you don’t feel like doing that learning.
Omg I really can’t talk about this I just go into constant outrage feedback loops it’s bad for my blood pressure
Posted 4/26/24. Facebook.
Yesterday I saw a trio of ravens mobbing a young hawk. The hawk was so small, I thought it was a dove at first. But doves don’t soar like that. I made out the ventral patterns when it came low enough. It was a hawk, just a baby, probably not long out of the nest.
First there was one raven chasing it, making big heavy flaps with those big black wings. Amazing how fast they can move. The little hawk couldn’t seem to flap enough to get away from it. However lighter the hawk was, the raven was clever, and it seemed to know where the hawk planned to fly next. The raven kept cutting it off.
Then came the other two, circling around to flank the hawk. You should have heard the noises. Sad, angry, fighting type noises. Squeaks and squawks.
The aerial dogfighting was amazing to watch. They covered blocks of the neighborhood as the four of them swirled around, heading north until I couldn’t see them, then reappearing south of my position.
Sometimes the hawk would fold its wings and suddenly plummet a hundred feet in midair, escaping the fog of shiny black feathers. But only ever for a moment. The ravens were too smart to lose it for long.
I don’t know how the fight ended. It’s hard to imagine the hawk won. A bird that small can’t have too much energy, and the second it touched down somewhere, those ravens would have been all over it.
There isn’t much room in the ecosystem for birds of prey. We already have quite a few, and they’re territorial. My house is part of a territory claimed by an older, larger hawk — one of the parents of the unlucky little guy. I guess this is one of the ways nature winnows down the numbers.
I couldn’t cheer for anyone. I have a soft spot for hawks, but I admire these ravens specifically (they’re around a lot), and nature is just being nature. What a stark reminder of how unfair it all can be. Let’s hope the little guy found somewhere to hide and will move further afield, away from the ravens, away from the other hawks’ territories, and find a place his own.
~
Granular edits on fiction are exhausting 😮💨
I’m a big picture guy. I love working with plot-level edits. I have never been good at details, like copy editing and proofreading.
But I am proofreading something now and my brain is like “no, please stop.” I’m taking breaks every chapter or so. I don’t know how anyone does this full time!
Time to level up this skill tho ⬆️
~
omg. just trucking along proofreading and discover i spelled a character’s name two different ways.
in the same sentence.
~
Posted on Bluesky.
I got to pet three (3) dogs on my walk today which is a pretty good level of dog petting, I’m satisfied
Posted on 4/27/24. Bluesky.
Bluey is an emotional assassin
~
Watching dog agility competition and feeling irrationally offended when they criticize a dog’s performance
HDU every dog is perfect
Knock over poles? PERFECT
Skip an obstacle? PERFECT
Murder the judges? PERFECT
Posted 4/28/24. Facebook.
I really thought quitting weed would eliminate my daily nap, but…nope. Two hours+ every day. And it feels like being reborn every day. ❤
Posted 4/29/24. Bluesky.
We keep getting angry letters from the school because we keep our 9yo home when he’s sick and they don’t like all the absences 🙃
His grades are excellent, he’s a gifted-and-talented kid, and he always gets sick FROM SCHOOL. What are we supposed to do here exactly?
1) I am not dragging him to a doctor every time he’s got symptoms of a head cold. Thats how you spread sicknesses further.
2) nobody masks in this unventilated-ass school.
3) even if they don’t care about disease spread, he deserves to rest when he’s sick! I’m not sending a miserable dude out.
I’d say they can suck my dick but I don’t want their snotty faces near any part of my body
~
Finally finished the Fallout show. It did pick up after the first couple episodes. I got into a vibe once we got to Ghoul and Lucy’s Fetish Funtimes. Looking forward to all the great novel-length Ghoul/Lucy & Dogmeat between-season fanfic we’re gonna get – also hoping for Maximus/Dane.
If God hates monsterfuckers then why do monsterfuckers keep winning
The whole Fallout franchise just doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t like the cynicism, I think. The 1950s retrofuturistic nostalgia, while purposeful, also just doesn’t do anything for me. I generally dislike Americana. But the actors were excellent, the story coherent, the effects decent.
Maybe we’ll get an Elder Scrolls tv show at some point????
Posted 4/30/24. Facebook.
I showed my 13yo a picture of their brother as a little baby. 13yo: “Revolting. That looks like a can of biscuits that didn’t pop all the way.”
~
13yo Moonlight and I encountered Canadian geese with fluffy yellow babies on our walk today. Aww! Right?
NO, the geese were ENRAGED. They hissed at us! We ran!
We almost got killed by dinosaurs!!!!
~
Posted on Bluesky.
Bsky threw a 20-year-old sexworker in my discovery feed and the full-body NO THANK YOU I felt was staggering
I’m like omg I’m almost twice your age!!! I could be your mum. I support your life choices but I do not want to see your life choices in the bath please
~
i watched a scary ghosts movie with my 13yo and now there are so many weird sounds in my bedroom suite
and my 13yo won’t even sleep over in my bed tonight to protect me :< the 9yo is sick and needs daddy so it's just gonna be me, the cat, and SPOOKY WEIRD NOISES IN MY BEDROOM SUITE absolutely should not watch spooky ghost movies before bed, i am too susceptible to spooky ghost stuff in a way that no other horror does to me but 13yo wanted it 🎶the things we do for love🎶 my cat is being weird and staring through the doorway
Posted 5/1/24. Facebook.
The variety in books I’ve written the last few years is pretty bananas.
I’m almost done editing Fated for Firelizards, which is incredibly lightweight (albeit brazenly didactic). It’s written in language almost as casual as my posts on here, with lots of “like” and “ish” and “you know, whatever” sort of attitude. It’s mostly supposed to get you from one sezzy scene with the dragon to another. Fun fetish content with plot made secondary. I usually put a lot of care into plot, so I feel paranoid and weird about how lightweight this one is.
But! I also am doing deep edits on Atop the Trees, Beneath the Mountains, which is plot-heavy, and then some. It aspires to be a proper fantasy doorstopper like Wheel of Time, although it’s more obscure and anarchistic like Dune. The world building is intense; sometimes the language is archaic. It’s very much a multigenerational gothic romance epic. And gay.
And I am also trying to finish a weird horror novel called “Insomniac Cafe,” which is NOTHING LIKE EITHER OF THOSE PROJECTS. It’s like Friends vs Fallout (the tv shows) done in the style of internet horror, a la The Backrooms. It’s surreal with a labyrinthine narrative and…insects. I just added 500 words of Rachel Green trapped in a septic system. It’s *gross*. I am told reading it makes everyone feel like they need a shower in Borax.
Oh, and there’s a really heartfelt small town romance called “You’ve Got Nudes” I never published. Which I’d like to do this year.
I think what this says about me is that writing like a hundred urban fantasy novels based on the same style guide, with similar tones, in the same universe, made me snap and go completely crazy and now I can’t write the same thing twice.
Posted 5/4/24. Facebook.
It’s not too hard to avoid doing specific things to your kids. “I will not traumatize them like THIS,” you thought as a child. And then you didn’t do THAT THING.
But you did other things instead. And your kids thought, “I will not traumatize my kids LIKE THIS.” They probably won’t. They will inflict their own bespoke traumas.
More important than anything, I think, is being open to listening to your kids. You can’t be perfect. You can, however, accept your kids’ feelings, listen to them, and forge real relationships based on growing. You can remain supportive instead of becoming defensive. Accept your own flaws so your offspring have room to process their hurts with you. Cuz there will be hurts.
This is just something I’ve been thinking about a lot. Just gotta keep working on it together, as a team, like my kids and I are allies, instead of in opposition to one another between generations.
It can be really hard not to flinch away from your own wounds (because kids having complaints/criticisms feels like getting stabbed sometimes) but embracing it is how you heal. I think? I’m still figuring it out.
