Posted on 2/2/24. Facebook.
I am so obsessed with 9yo Sunshine’s energy and confidence. I found a school paper that he graded for himself. He only spelled 2 out of 8 words correctly. He graded himself with an “F+” and then wrote “bad but still good” next to it. He can’t even fail himself without getting cheerful about it. He invented F-plus! lmao
He’s got a little speech about how nobody is perfect, which means he cannot be perfect, but to him that seems to mean that being 70% awesome is actually 100% awesome and the other 30% is just inevitable humanity.
I had really really awful self-esteem for most of my life. I felt absolutely radioactive until I met my spouse, and even then it took over a decade to genuinely internalize my self-worth. I don’t think Sunshine’s ever going to deal with that. It’s a massive relief, and also extremely charming.
(I spelled perfectly at his age, fyi, and got 100% regularly, and I was an absolute wreck disaster human. I prefer bad grades from a happy kid than good grades from a miserable kid.)
Posted on 2/3/24. Facebook.
You know what’s funny? My older sibling tells me that I was the first in the family to “come out,” but I have zero recollection of it. Apparently I formally told my mom that I liked girls before my siblings did. (I’m the youngest.) I declared myself bisexual.
I don’t even know that I’m bisexual now, lmao. My younger, forgotten self was so confident. I got crushes on girls and boys and That Was That.
It was probably so unremarkable because I wasn’t afraid of my mom’s reaction. I DO remember her telling me that she would always love me, no matter who I loved. I was very young in this memory. I think we were playing with Barbies. I was probably doing something weird and gross and unselfaware, like making my mom watch two Barbies scissor. Parents know! Kids can’t hide for crap.
This is odd to me, I guess, because my sibling is transgender and I’ve always just thought of them as The Queer One, placing them up on a rainbow pedestal in my heart. They are the one who asked for different pronouns; they are the one who made it clear their bio-sex was not just wrong, but an uncomfortable fit; they crashed against homophobia all the time just for existing. I advocate for them at the doctor’s office and step in to enforce proper pronoun usage with other people and do whatever I can to protect my sibling’s right to be themself.
I take my own queerness for granted because I camouflage. I’ve dated women, but I’m married to someone AMAB with a beard; I married him wearing white and we made babies together. Neither of us tell anyone IRL that neither of us consider our genders to align with our sexes. Not that we’re hiding. It just seems irrelevant, and anyway, nobody seems to understand if we try to explain it. I think you can only start to grasp exactly what a gay relationship we have after spending a while with the two of us. Sometimes we are like a sapphic relationship, both of us women. Sometimes we are gay as fuck, like two dudes. We virtually never fall into m/f style roles, except by accident. Our fluid gender identities are part of our couple identity, too.
My beloved sibling calls me Woman+ in terms of gender. I like being a woman. I am not only a woman. If gender identities could be written down like states on the map of America, my location would not be a dot like a state capital, but a blob of weather that encompasses the entire west coast with fingers across the northeastern seaboard. I am a woman in the most basic of ways, and then something happens and you’re suddenly hanging out with a Reddit neckbeard who talks like gay Dane Cook.
I am most often a man in romantic situations with women; I’m a gay man with men; I am jarred and confused when I meet men and they treat me like a ~woman instead of a masculine peer. But in social situations with women, I’m a woman. I also definitely do not want to look androgynous. I want to look feminine, but get received as a man. I feel silly trying to explain the amorphous boundaries of my gender. Like, nobody’s even gonna take me seriously. Why bother? People don’t think my climate is even real. “All women feel like that,” say people who have no idea what I’m talking about.
So I just don’t bother, really. I’m just Queer and that’s that. But somehow, when I was young, at a time I don’t even remember, I knew that I was bisexual enough to announce it and then forget about it, and I think that is SO INTERESTING. Some critical piece of personal history I’ve got no memory for.
Posted on 2/5/24. Facebook.
I’m on day 10(?) without weed. I’ve been having emotions all day and haven’t wanted to relapse. I started *really* over-using when my first cat died, so it’s a testament to the coping skills I’ve been working on.
I’m still not very thinky. A lot of the fog from weed has passed, but my emotions are very surface and it’s taking a lot of effort to write anything that makes sense. (Which you might not be able to tell by the amount of posts I make…lol)
The main thing I’m doing to pass the time is hanging out on sobriety support forums to talk with people. I always find congregate therapy settings valuable. I’m not doing stuff IRL right now, but online is basically as good.
Mostly people in group therapy need validation, and peer validation is really effective. There’s really nothing so loving as a recovery group. And I’ve made it so that if I feel a craving, I just…go online and talk to people about how to manage cravings.
I am extremely sad and crying a lot because of my cat, and all the associated feelings, but I also feel really healthy about it so that’s good I guess.
Thank you to everyone who has been sharing love and support. It means a lot to me.
~
King Charles has been diagnosed with cancer after his prostate surgery. They haven’t released details on his prognosis, but it is serious enough that his estranged son is flying out to visit.
I think it’s interesting that this does somehow align with Nostradamus’s predictions, if you squint. Here’s the relevant quatrain, which some have read to mean King Charles:
Because they disapproved of his divorce
A man who later they considered unworthy
The People will force out the King of the islands
A Man will replace who never expected to be king
So…if you squint.
I don’t hold any opinion on Nostradamus because I am currently in flux (kind of in the “I have no idea what I believe about anything” place) but this has often been read to mean that Charles would be unpopular, abdicate, and someone not-William would inherit.
Interestingly, Prince William has been saying things that indicate he *isn’t* interested in the traditional monarchy, including being head of the Church of England. But he has also shown signs he would like to take over for his father on his own terms.
I don’t think Prince William’s personality would permit him to willingly step aside, though. There were whispered rumors of William & Kate divorcing – which would be unpopular after her hospitalization – so Nostradamus’s quatrain could also potentially apply to Wills.
Or it could all be UTTER NONSENSE and it’s just interesting to watch history happening in real time and we could probably bend/stretch/squeeze this prophecy to fit *literally anyone*. I mean, if the new King of Denmark divorced his wife (who would probably be happy to escape the dude), this could also apply to them. yk? and the monarchy in Denmark has been “slimmed down” so I could imagine odd succession happening there.
I truly cannot imagine a likely scenario that would lead to King Harry and Queen Meghan, but you’re going to see people talking about this a lot in the weeks to come anyway, and this quatrain is a significant reason why.
Posted on 2/6/24. Bluesky.
freestyling about how much i love my nebulizer while assembling a new mouthpiece
i love my nebulizer
love a bronchiodilator
iprutropium bromide for
making me breathe more
yeah
take my albuterol now
like i’m a boss who breathes now
yeah
…sorry i’ll stop
Posted on 2/8/24. TSFKA Twitter.
i wasn’t going to see dune 2 in the theater because i’m a fussy bitch about splitting movies into episodes released years apart (how dare). but. the dune 2 popcorn bucket is gonna make me do it. and i’m mad that i’m this cheap. stupid dune 2 popcorn bucket.
Posted on 2/9/24. Bluesky.
New cat owners are so funny. I keep coming across posts where people are like “what’s wrong with my cat? It will push everything off my lap and climb on my face and never stops rubbing on me and meows at me every time I move.”
It’s love. Your cat loves you. Lmao
The more annoying a cat is, the more they love you. Rub them and talk to them in a baby voice. Accept your servitude. Your lap is theirs. This is why you got a cat.
“Why does this cat purr the instant he sees me even if I’m not doing anything?”
YOUR CAT LOVES YOU, this is supposed to happen! I think new cat owners expect their cats to be aloof, sort of decorative, and just aren’t ready for the fact cats are clingy little weirdos (which is why I love em)
Posted on 2/11/24. Facebook.
Two weeks sober now. Woo woo! Mostly unremarkable. However, I spent the last few years only having one kind of dream (travel dreams), and now I’m having all sorts of bizarre dreams.
Like I dreamed about having four boyfriends last night. Four BOYfriends. Wtf is my brain even thinking?
~
(I am definitely also attracted to men; I just have way more exacting standards and don’t trust dudes easily, so the idea of finding four men I’d bang at once is ridiculous to me! OTOH if four women were like “join us Sara” I wouldn’t have enough a brain to even ask questions.)
~
I was finally honest with myself and bought MARRY ME with Jennifer Lopez and Owen Wilson. I didn’t think it was a very good movie the first time I watched it. It’s all I want to watch right now, and frankly Jennifer Lopez romcoms are all I want to watch about 60% of my waking hours.
When I say “Jennifer Lopez romcoms” I do in fact mostly mean THE CELL (2000). It’s a romcom between JLo and ME.
